my story

home

I believe home is not a place but a feeling, a scent, a peace within yourself, a sense of safety. he was everything I ever wanted. he was, for a long time, my happiness, my hope, my peace, MY HOME. he gave me that feeling I thought no one else ever would be able to give me again. it wasn't the butterflies, nervousness, and fear like those described in nameless fairytales. it was all true. I never once had to be someone I'm not when I was around him. we threw skittles and starbursts at each other every chance we got. we laughed until we couldn't breathe and had tears rolling out of our eyes over things we knew we wouldn't remember by the time the laughter was over. my love with Tylor James was true. I knew it was true because, every time we looked into each others eyes it was like no one else was around like we were the last two people on earth, like nothing could ever go wrong. when him and I were together everything felt okay, and it was like time stopped. we got the chance to fall deeply hopelessly 100% in love with him over the course of two years.

one night I called him crying because someone told me to go kill myself and I was too scared to do it. he came to the house and I walked to him outside as I got closer with tears pouring out of my eyes I noticed a tear falling down his face. in that moment I realized he really did truly love me the way he said he did. as I got close enough to him I began to collapse in his arms crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath begging for a reason to live, a reason to keep going, a reason to not give up.

he held me in his arms right there in the middle of the driveway for what seemed like forever, until finally, he picked me up and carried me to my camper. when we got there he laid me on the bed and took his shirt off because I was cold and I've always liked skin to skin contact. from there things progressed and we ended up having sex. at the time I was only 15, and he was 21. that made me only fall even more hopelessly in love with him. after that we were inseparable for at least a month . then my mom found out that our relationship had progressed too far, and she turned him in because I, even though 3 days away from 16, was still underage. by the time he was tried and sentenced to2 years in prison and 4 years probation I was 18 years old.

after that I gave myself to anyone who wanted me because I just wanted to find that feeling again. I thought I found that feeling once again but you will hear more about that heartbreak later. having a court order that I was no longer allowed to talk to the man I had fallen deeply, hopelessly in love with at this point, broke my heart. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't do anything. I felt paralyzed. everything I ever wanted. everything I had fought for. everything I felt like I needed was gone quicker than I ever thought or imagined was possible. nothing was worth it anymore. I had lost everything. I didn't want to think, feel, breathe, laugh, cry, or even live without him. he was my home.

everything I went for was for a reason. every tear was preparing me for the unthinkable. I thought cutting my skin was going to help me get through it all. the rejection the rape and losing Tylor James all changed me. I started drinking and smoking more than ever before. at this point there was no return, no going back to the old me. the old me was gone and I was terrified. this, I thought was my point of no return little did I know it was going to get worse than I ever could have imagined.