Darkhaast

~ 5 ~

It became a strange habit to watch you. Every morning, you'd take the kid's hands and sprint to the car, encouraging them, "Hurry! Hurry! Junior! Rooh!"

"Poppy!"

"Dadda!"

They'd giggle at your enthusiasm. I'm always surprised your back doesn't hurt from carrying our family and arching down to tickle the kids. I think back to the initial days of our marriage when you shared your fears about being a father and how unwarranted they were. You were made to be a father, and I hope you know that.

You run backwards into the house to peck me on the cheeks and say I love you. I swear my heart skips a beat each time.

Tumhari ankho mei ye kashish aur yeh chahat dekh kar mera dil kabhi kabhi gabaraata hai. Kya mein tumhare dil ko sambhal paongi? Maa se kiya hua waada yaad aata hai. Woh waada jo mere andhar paal raha hai. Pagal nahi banugi, I promise. Tumhare saath ke begair ko faisla nahi lungi is nanhi si jaan ke liya. Bas, todha waqt mangu gi, humare options dekhne ke liya.

Abhimanyu slammed Akshara's diary shut with his finger trapped inside. The crushing ache felt comforting. Maybe pain was the only reminder that we're alive, Akshara once expressed. Shayad issi liya humne bachpan mein hi dard se dosti ki thi.

Her diary was in the personal belongings bag the hospital handed to him before they left with the bodies.

"What are they going to do with it?" Surekha asked as she and Mahima trailed their family.

"Medically dispose of it?" Mahima shrugged.

"It," they kept stating as if Akshara and Abhimanyu's baby was an object. Their callous attitude earned them glares from their family, but no one had the energy to snap back then.

"I want a proper funeral," Abhimanyu announced when they returned to Akshara's maternal home in Udaipur. "For both of them." Surekha and Mahima froze under his glare, overwhelmed with shame.

That night, after the announcement, Abhir found Abhimanyu in Roohi's room. Roohi asked her Poppy to tell her and Ayra stories of her Maasi as a rouse to keep him enthralled by happy memories. He complied and held back his tears as he recanted his first meeting with Akshara on vacation. Like Neil, Roohi was his backbone, always upholding and supporting him.

"Dadda, mujhe Mama ke last rites karne hai," Abhimanyu was shocked to hear such words from his 11-year-old. Abhir drew his lips together and clutched his knuckles tightly, fighting the tears pooling in his eyes. The grief aged him beyond his ears. All the sadness Abhimanyu and Akshara defied ultimately consumed him.

"Billa-boy" Ruhi embraced her brother, letting his tears stream down.

"Mera haq hai," Abhir said. Abhimanyu could see the regrets Abhir harboured from Abhinav's death. Abhir's desperation to see his papa and say goodbye as Abhinav passed into the other world of stars and skies still loomed in his eyes.

"Okay," Abhimanyu relented.

"Abhir, betu, dhyaan se." Abhir saw his mama in a simple, white anarkali when the pandit handed him the urn of holy water so that he could circle his mother's pyre.

"Oui jhaa," she facepalmed in jest as Abhir struggled to hold the burning log. Abhimanyu shouldered its burden and lit the pyre.

"Mumma," Abhir cried out and leaped forward to touch her presence. Abhimanyu caught him before he fell face-first into the incinerating pyre. Abhir struggled in Abhimanyu's hold until his legs gave out, and he fell into Abhimanyu's chest. His last vision was Akshara, Abhinav and Neil waving, 'phir milenge.'

"You see her too, na?" Abhir asked his father. "Am I going crazy?"

"Nahin junior," Abhimanyu tried to reassure him. "I see her, and Roohi sees her papa too. Because they're always with us, in here," he rested his hand over Abhir's heart, "and up there" and pointed at the sky as a shooting star fell.