Letters To The Dead

Chapter 19

Beth,

Hey. It's been a few days since I last wrote and we're still not close enough to the Hob. I know they say patience is a virtue but the more I think about it, the more crap it sounds.

The Kid has gotten worse. He's feverous and delirious, and he won't touch his food. It has gotten to the point where we have to force it down, and it's those moments I dread because he cries and gets so scared. And sometimes I wonder about what he sees when he doesn't see us, and to be honest I don't think I want to know.

Brant and I are slowly getting there. We're no longer tensed around each other, and we can actually manage a few awkward one worded conversations. It's not like how it was before but it's getting there. I wouldn't have admitted this before Redness, wouldn't even consider it, but I really want us to go back to the way it was. Good friends. Not with all the deceit of course.

I haven't been sleeping well. Every time I close my eyes all I see is that damn cell. The darkness from the cell, the burning light from the lantern and the rigged stone tiles that burned cold into my skin. And all I feel is that suffocating fear that paralyses me, then that freezing water. And I'm coughing and I can't breathe. I know I should try to rest because the Kid depends on me to look after him. I can't do that if I don't take care of my body like I should. But I'm so scared Beth.

I'm scared of being back in that place. I can't go back. I just can't. But to be honest I've had enough, of being all scared all the time and I just want it to stop.

Kara and I had a big conversation. It was around lunch time, and I pulled her aside to talk. I've been putting it off long enough because I was worried that she wouldn't be interested but I know I have to do it sooner rather than later. Despite everything, she still is our sister and I know that if you were here, you would have tried everything in your power to fix this.

"What do you want?" Kara asked, once we were far enough from the group.

"I know this doesn't fix anything," I said. "But I want you to know I'm sorry about everything. I should have been there for you instead of obsessing about revenge. I should have protected you and been a better sister."

"I can't forgive you," Kara said.

"I know," I said with a sad smile. "I don't expect you to. I want to make it up for you, be the sister you deserve."

Kara smiled tensely, cheeks going a noticeable pink. "I would like that. I've...missed you."

"I've missed you to," I admitted, and she flung her arms around me. I know that this doesn't guarantee everything. That everything will be okay between us. But it is a step towards something and that has given me hope.

For the night Kara has found us a cave and we've set up a temporary camp. Lyndsey has set up a really comfort bed for the Kid at the corner of the cave and he's all snuggled up. I've checked on him again but there's still no change in his condition. The more I check on him the worse I feel because I keep expecting, hoping, that he would be all better and well again. I don't know why I torture myself like that because nothing ever works like that in life. Hope is poison.

Brant has grown tired of my constant fidgeting and told me to rest.

"I'll watch him," Diane said from beside me.

"I don't know how to rest," I admitted a few minutes later.

"Figure it out fast because tomorrow we're going hunting," Kara said with a smirk. "And I'm going to kick your ass at it."

"I'll like to see you try, fish brain," I said, settling down in my bag.

Kara tensed up at that and left the cave. Fish brain. That was dumb. Why don't I ever think before I speak?

Diane squeezed my shoulder before following, probably to talk to her. For a brief moment, I longed to listen in and see what they were talking about. I knew it wouldn't be right, so I put it off and got this out instead. I hope that was alright because I needed to distract myself.  If I'm honest one of the few times, I ever feel safe is when writing to you.

From,

Lily