Letters To The Dead

Chapter 25

Beth,

Hey. It's been two days since we left the cottage, and we still have three days left until we reach that base. I don't know what's going to happen when we do. Help them. Settle down until we can leave. I know we have spoken about helping out but to be honest I don't know if I want to anymore. I will of course, for Brant and the Kid.

It's been a nightmare since we left. We came across Kara's boyfriend, who definitely was twice her age. I know she's of legal age to date whoever the hell she wants but that doesn't mean I have to approve. Not when he looked at her like she was a piece of meat.

Our travel was put on a halt for him as he later revealed that he was infected, which is why he wasn't at the Hob with Casey. He didn't want to hurt the kid. He spent days looking for Kara because he didn't want to be alone. Despite my disapproval, I actually sympathised with him and tried to help out when I could. Blankets. Food. Medical care.

The medical care wasn't much use because the bite infection had spread and the surrounding skin around the bite was starting to rot. I knew it wouldn't be long before he turned and that a choice had to be made. After I checked his wound out again, he weakly grabbed my hand before I could move away.

"You're her sister. Lilian," Trevor said, voice croaky.

"Yeah, that's me," I said softly.

"I know I'm turning," Trevor said, expression scared. "I don't want Kara to be on her own again, could you..."

"I have her back, that's a promise," I said, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

He smiled weakly at me and pulled away. Before he fell asleep, he asked me to do something else for him. Kill him. He hated those things, saw his brother get turned into one and he didn't want that to happen to himself. I approached Kara who was on guard duty again. When I stood beside her, I spotted the redness in her eyes and new instantly that she had been crying.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"Why? You don't like him so what's it to you?" Kara snapped.

"No, I don't like him, but he cares about you," I said, hesitantly pulling her into a hug. She tensed up at first, then relaxed and hugged me back tightly. "And he was there for you when I wasn't."

She pulled away, wiping at her eyes and smiled. "You really have changed."

"Kara. He asked me to kill him," I added with a dry mouth.

"I know. He told me," Kara admitted, reaching out she grabbed my hands. "I don't like it, but I know he won't change his mind."

"You want me to do it?" I said, surprised.

"No, like hell I don't," Kara said, annoyedly. "But it's what he wants. It doesn't mean you have to if you don't want to."

"Will you hate me for it?" I asked softly.

"No. I won't. Not anymore" Kara admitted, as more tears brimmed up in her eyes.

Before walking over to Trevor, she gave me a weak smile. I watched them together for a few minutes. How Trevor smiled at her, how Kara would giggle at something he said, and I knew that I had to do this. Better he dies as a human than one of those things because then Kara would remember him as that, a human. Someone she loved and shared memories with. That logic is fucked up, I know but life doesn't make sense as it is.

"You are you going to do it, aren't you?" Diane asked, breaking me out of my thought. "I suppose I can't change your mind?"

"He asked me to do it. I want to honour him," I said quietly, though it didn't feel like I was. I didn't want to do that to him. I don't like him, but Kara loves him.  I don't know how to explain it, but it didn't feel right.

"Honour him but don't do it in a way that goes against what you believe," Diane said, grabbing my hand.

"To be honest Diane, I don't know what I believe anymore," I admitted, voice tensed.

"That's why you should heed with caution upon this task," Diane said, and pulled me into a hug.

The next day, we got up and moving. Trevor was about to fully turn, and I knew there and then that it was time. Kara gave him a teary goodbye and I got the others to hurry along, and then it was just me and him.

"Just hurry up and do it," Trevor said, voice coming out as a growl.

Whipping out a pistol, I sat in front of him and held the gun against his head. His blue eyes, that was starting to turn yellow, met mine and it made me freeze. Nausea settled down at the pit of my stomach. It hit me, probably for the hundredth time, that I really didn't want to do this.

"Please," Trevor begged. "I don't want to turn."

"Why don't you do it?" I said.

"Because I can't," Trevor said, a few tears escaping, and I don't know why but a part of me understood. He couldn't kill himself because he didn't believe in it.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

I took the safety off my gun which he smiled gratefully at me. I couldn't bear to look at him when I did this, so when I pulled that damn trigger, I looked away. A loud bang made my ears rung and vision blur. I don't know how long I was sat there with the gun shaking in my hands, but I knew it must have been a worrying while because the next thing I knew, was Diane being there.

She slowly took the gun out of my grasp and helped me on to my feet, wrapping arms around me. Instead of joining the others straight away, she led me away from the body and through some trees to a small field. We stayed out there hugging for a few minutes. She didn't say anything, didn't say that it was okay, and I did what I had to. And to be honest I was grateful for that as she knew it wouldn't make me feel better. It reminded me that she got me, that she knew me in a way I didn't know myself and that was comforting.

Then we joined Casey, Lyndsey, and Kara walking on a different field. Casey, beaming again, ran over and wrapped his tiny arms around my waist. For a brief moment that heavy numbness was replaced with a joyful warmth, and I hugged our brother tightly. When I was hugging Casey, I looked over at Kara and nodded. She nodded back with a tensed smile, and I don't think she meant for anyone to notice but I saw her eye fill up with tears, that she immediately rubbed away.

When we got started on walking again, I couldn't focus. Emotions swirled around inside me like a storm in the desert, numbing and sharp. I felt distance, almost like I wasn't there and no matter how hard I tried to focus I just couldn't. And desperately, I tried not to think about Trevor or what I had just done for him. It wasn't until we set up camp for the night that I realised Diane was right about the whole belief thing. Since we escaped Redness, everything has been all over the place and I think I've lost myself. Now I'm getting it back but as something else and I don't think I like what I see.

I had to do it anyway. It was what he wanted.

I've been telling myself that since the camp set up but to be honest, that still doesn't make me feel good about it. But it has made me think about Solomon and what killing him what do to me. I know I still want to do it, but it has been making me feel conflicted about myself because I've become the very thing, I was scared of turning into since I started the mission.

A monster.

And to be honest I feel so lost Beth that I don't know what to do anymore. You know, I wish you are here. Maybe you would be shouting at me and be all disgusted with what I turned into. I think if I didn't feel so numb, I would be to. But I also like to think you get it because maybe then I would feel less alone, does that make sense?

From,

Lily