I guess I've never really known why I'm alive. I've never felt like I've had a purpose. Unlike my brother or my best friend or my teammate. I'm just kind of..here I guess. There's not much to me other than the fact that I'm the first formula one female driver. Which in hindsight seems like it's all glamour and sparkles and champagne and celebrations. But it's not...
It's nothing as to what I thought it was. I thought it was going to be this amazing thing where everyone loves me and everyone praises me because I finally changed a world of men but it's not..
Instead I'm sat here..in this grubby old bathroom in fuck knows where. Somewhere in my childhood home, or maybe somehwere in my home now, I don't know, and I have no idea what I'm gonna do tomorrow..or even if I want to wake up tomorrow.
Ever since I joined redbull, ever since I proved everyone of these fuckers who doubted me wrong my life has just fallen to pieces..
But there's nothing I can do to fix that.
It's like I've brought myself a fresh bottle of superglue at the start of every year but somehow, every year, without fail, I always loose the bottle or use it all up or do something that causes me to not have this bottle anymore. So then I spend all year piecing this life back together , that quite frankly doesn't even feel like mine anymore, just so that once the new season comes around someone picks it up drops it and stamps on it. No matter what I do I can never keep it together long enough to actually get somewhere in life.
I mean looking around now I see that even this bathroom looks cleaner than my life. It looks so put together and finished and polished. Unlike my life.
So instead I'll sit here staring at these blood red lines in my thighs. The ruler straight lines that have kept me from going insane since I was 13. God 13. It's awful how I've relied on the worst possible coping mechanism. But it's either this or I kill my self. It's either bleed or die. It's either bleed or never get the feeling or racing again. It's either bleed or never feel Oscar's love again. It's either bleed or never get another hug from lando again. It's either bleed or never feel the feeling of being "home" again. It's either bleed or never live Charles again. So I'd rather sit on this bathroom floor, bleeding, crying, trying to escape and not lose what these boys have given me...
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REASONS TO STAY ALIVE
Фанфик***TW*** suicidal thoughts, suicide, self harm, swearing,depression, anxiety, slight physical abuse, slight, mental and emotional abuse******also in first person*** Kayla tried so hard to be the perfect daughter, to be the perfect girlfriend, to be...
