ദൂരേ...

....

"I wanna die. I've been wanting to die.

Or more specifically, I wanna try dying. Not because I find dying interesting. I'm just longing to escape this.
If there is the so called afterlife after death, I would like to watch everyone, once more, before I go on my way to hell.
I wanna see if my friends are even concerned about it at all. If my mother sheds tears, if my father would say that he loved me at least once.

I also wanna see you.
I wanna know if you would be bothered by that news. If you would come running, or at least shed a tear drop for me. I don't know if you will. It seems like too much emotions to handle all at once for someone like you; you don't like it and you are not used to them.
I... I can't believe...

I can't believe that even when I'm thinking of dying, I'm concerned more, about your convenience.

I have never thought I would be this desperate for anyone in my life.

So desperate that I'm hoping so hopelessly that you'd at least turn around and take a glance at my grey, lifelessly cold body in the coffin, and maybe. Just maybe, I could find a speck of pain in your normally unreadable gaze; a single crack in your voice as you call my name; the warmth of your tears that would've run down your lips, on my skin, as you kiss me goodbye too. Along with my family.

In the most selfish way, I wanna know if the idea of my end, my death, would hurt you like your existence hurt me.

In the most selfish way, I wanna know, if my death would finally have you look at me. Not for too long, just a glance.

In the most selfish way, I wanna know if my death would make you long for the times when I was still alive and you didn't see me.

I am fine leaving this life as if I'm the most desperate person in the face of earth if it means that you'll prove all my doubts and fears wrong when I'm lying there grey.

I want you to.

But never, please never, play pretend for me. I'm no infant. I'm a woman, with a heart. I'm a woman, with all of my fears and tears and desires.
I just wish you would finally see her even though she had been right infront of you all along."