afterglow // hyunlix

a room with a view

There's a thought that goes behind killing your darlings, a cold sentiment Felix comes to learn from Hyunjin.

Written on: September 23, 2022 

The scent of Magnolia draped the afternoon, a scent from a candle lit yesterday, lingering from the balcony open where Felix stood lighting up a smoke. It is as if the burning followed him on his spot, gracing him again the feeling of unequivocal fright.

Ne me quitte pas...

These were hours before where he felt the morning shower. He found himself whispering from his careful breath, awake and consciously wanting that he could not keep his hand off from the love that lay next to him—Hyunjin. He couldn't be bothered at this hour, Felix doesn't want to. He was having his well-deserved rest after having to attend the small gathering Saint Laurent hosted, bringing with him as his companion, never the muse of his fashion house.

Nevertheless, Felix enjoyed the privacy, the strictness that comes from being apart and limited. He could handle the smallest of gazes Hyunjin gave him as he drank his champagne—the pair of eyes that oozes greed and desire for him. It felt like love even if it wasn't. He was only a mere convenience, what else can he do about it?

Perhaps it was his stubbornness, his pride persisting. Felix believed he can change Hyunjin's mind with every hold, with every kiss, and every outright fuck he can take even if he is left feeling ashamed for sleeping with someone who could never love him back. Yet, he was hopeful, too forgiving.

"Oh, there you are." Felix caught the last blow before turning his head to the other direction. He offered a smile and a polite nod upon gazing at the other.

"I thought you already left." Hyunjin lets out a laugh. "You weren't taking everything easy last night, I figured you needed the space." He stanced forward, closer to where the other stood, gesturing his hand to pass him the cigarette.

"I did. I felt everything. This is why I'm smoking." He did as he was told, rolling his eyes from wanting to dismiss that he needed to calm down from the aftermorning pangs of sores and quivers.

"Huh, okay. Wasn't expecting you to stay here longer, do you want breakfast?" Hyunjin drags a huff, barely catching a glance on Felix with his attention at the cityscape.

"My hotel room isn't far, though I appreciate it. There's something I want to ask you before I go."

"Go on."

"Have you ever once considered loving me?" Felix paused a little while, seemingly clear with being hesitant to confront what seems to be impossible for him. "This has been going on for months now... not that I want something more, but I can't seem to shake the thought off."

"Is it because I said I love you last night?" The glare in Hyunjin's eyes came to direct itself at Felix. Knowing what the sharpness of his answer meant, Felix could only blame himself for insisting.

"It's not like that, I just want to know if everything we did meant something to you, like has something occurred to you about everything I did to make you happy."

With a last swing of smoke from his lips. Hyunjin began to laugh. Shaking his head from disbelief while letting the other reveal that his fears were true all along.

"I did everything because that's what you want. I played along, that's all. If you're thinking that everything I said and did had the slightest intent to tell you that I fell in love with you, you're wrong."

Hope is a dangerous thing for the likes of Felix Lee to have, now that he feels the dream of being loved crumpled.

"I did it for them. It's what your agency wants to get your popularity up in the industry. Might want to consider that I did you a favor. Love doesn't exist anywhere close to what you're looking for, Felix."