The whole world kind of looked like a playground to me when I was a kid. No one told me that the world was this big and had so many people in it. I used to think that my hometown was the only place that exists and beyond the mountains and skies is nothing because I couldn't think of anything existing beside my hometown. My parents were busy with their jobs and didn't really had much time to educate and answer my questions, so I would stay in different corners of my house and just wonder about the world and everything that I could see. There was this little forest near my house which only included bamboos and some herbs. I was only 4 when I gained my consciousness as far as I can remember, this was the age when I started questioning and wondering about the world. Before joining kindergarten, I was in home for 2 years by myself because my parents couldn't afford but have to leave me home with T.V. to see. I remember I didn't had much toys to play with when I was little, I had a racing formulae 1 car toy which didn't actually belonged to me but I have some pleasant memories with it. A whole house to myself, a formulae 1 car, a T.V. and the emptiness was all I had back then. I didn't really had friends in those growing years and I wouldn't even make friends with the kids in my neighbourhood. The silence hits hard when you have to spent your whole day alone with no interaction to any humans. Some days I would just lay down and keep thinking about stuffs I wanted to know. The flowers my mother raised and the door my father made around our house was so beautiful to me back then. I would help my mother on her holidays to decorate her flowers and my father would be working near with roofs or drainage of our house. It used to be the days I would see myself laughing and smiling more often than any other days. I don't find such opportunities to spend with them anymore and I miss it. How often does children learn about the cruel side of their parents? I don't have any idea on how much of a ratio but I witnessed that side of my parents as well. They would fight endless over our financial status and there was me who they have to also take care of. I could often see in their eyes which was full of guilt and regret as if I was a burden to their situation. The loneliness kept growing as the days passed by and I knew for a certain that I am helpless and cant change my mind because that's how I am. Didn't really had a friend until I was sent into kindergarten. It used to feel like as if the time has stopped at a certain point and I was caged in it. The days would seem to pass like a year and there were times when I would just have to sit in one place for a whole day or so because I couldn't afford to do something that would be used as a complain against me. I would sit in one place and see the surrounding to let my childish mind calm down as if I was an adult already. People would often compliment me in fronts of my parents for being such a calm and disciplined kid when the truth was that if I wasn't like that then I would witness the wrath of my mother. Since I grew consciousness I was always scared of the mother. I don't remember seeing her smiling at me even when I was a child. She would always be drowned with her works and worries, and that made it worse for her. How can a mother be like this? I also used to question myself that but at some point I knew the reason and its not that she wanted me to suffer but she was suffering from her own worries instead. She is also human! Why wouldn't one be like that as well!" I would confront myself so that I wouldn't hate her because even if she doesn't want to see me, I only had her to call mother. I would look at her as if she was the empress and I was the servant to serve her. I don't know what kind of mother son relationship it was but I really loved my mother. I really never knew if she actually ever looked at me with love or not. Even with a twisted life like that I thought of a peaceful life , even as a child I always have thought of a simple life where I can live and respect myself. The saddening part of my life became a part of me forever as I found it aesthetic to my life and I started to accept that the pain is what keeps the beauty in this world balanced. If there was no pain to our loss then we wouldn't have respect the value of having something. In the mist of my own thoughts I got lost, I lost my way back and found myself with all the sins I never wanted to deal with. I would look behind and remember how innocent and peaceful the life was back when I was a kid. If by any chance I ever get to meet that little version of myself, I wonder what would he say to me?
