Dear Future Best Friend

Entry 6

9.15.13

Dear future best friend,

I haven't written here for a while. To be honest, I really haven't felt like it.

The day after my last entry, I lost my granny. It's been extremely hard for me to lose my great grandmother like this. I knew she wouldn't last forever, but I don't think I could even begin to describe the pain of losing her.

I grew up getting bullied all the time. It could be about anything and everything: I'm too skinny, too fat, too ugly, not enough for the world. I would always go to her anytime I got made fun of, and she could always just make me feel a little bit more at ease. She'd help me realize that these people don't define who I am. It doesn't matter what they say about me, it just matters what I say about myself.

She taught me that self confidence was what mattered, truly. Ultimately people don't see you everyday of your life 24/7. I am the only one in my own body 24/7 who has to be happy with myself.

I haven't even been trying with my appearance since she passed. I throw on the nearest thing by me that doesn't stink and just go to school. I've distanced myself slowly from everyone, even potentially Tia. We still sit at lunch together, but I don't talk as much as I used to. All I really enjoy doing anymore is doodling.

Grief is a funny little thing. It's different for everyone. Somehow my mom is going around acting like nothing happened just enjoying her life. I don't think I can enjoy anything anymore without her. She was the only person in my family that I truly felt connected with and now she's buried in the ground, suffocating from all the dirt.

My mom has still been making me go to see Ms Nicole, but I don't really talk with her— not like I used to anyway.

My granny was so beautiful— it didn't matter if she was young or old. I stand by the fact that she definitely could have been a model. She was treated so poorly by her husband for many years. I'm so glad I never met him. He passed away many years before I was even born. She didn't deserve to be treated like that.

I got to go hold her hand when she laid in her casket. It was so cold and so dull. It didn't even seem like her. I didn't cry at that moment in time; I don't think it had quite registered in my head what was really going on.

I mean how could someone just be here one day and the next not? How could someone be so full of joy and smiles and laughter, and then the next minute, it's quiet. It will be quiet for years in my mind.

She always liked the idea of me journaling and doing art. She said one day she would see my work in a magazine or museum. She will never get the opportunity to do that.

Now I don't even want to achieve and try to accomplish it because I know it won't be the same if she's not there watching me. How can I have that as a dream when it won't ever be the same without knowing she's watching over me.

My mom hasn't even noticed my worsening depression since she passed away. She thinks it's just normal teenage behavior. I have never been really close to my mom. I love her in her own way, but it will never be the same way as I loved my granny.

In some ways I don't think my mom has ever tried to get to know me. It seems a bit selfish to me. She always compares me to her, and I don't think she realizes that I am my own person with my own thoughts, passions, dreams, and flaws. If I had kids of my own, I would realize that they are their own person. I would never try to expect them to be like me. It feels like my mom wants me to be like her, but in reality I'm not. Trust me, I never will be.

I miss granny. I miss her smiling face and seeing all the gaps in her teeth. I miss looking at the wrinkles on her face and seeing her always in a good mood. It didn't matter what my mood was, she would be able to always make me feel better.

I hope that you never have to endure loss. I hope that it just doesn't happen for you. I don't want to think about my best friend being and feeling the same way that I am right now.

Maybe I'll be the one to die next. I wonder what it's like. I wonder what it was like for her in her final moments. Did memories pass by in her mind of her loved ones? Did she think about me at all? Was she in any pain? Was she at peace?

I'll always wonder about these things. Throughout my life though, I will never fully know the answer to them until it's my turn.

My bones ache, and my heart aches. Every part of me aches and I feel at a loss for what to do now.