Imperfect [Aph America Fanfiction]

Tears, Skin and Blood.

        After a few long months of binge eating and fluctuating weight, I noticed a few things. First, my skin was a lot rougher. Second, my face had thinned out. Third, my pants were super loose...and fourth, every bone in my body was showing. My ribs were exposed, and my stomach was sucked in. I had even gotten a few ulcers recently. My hair didn't look healthy and sometimes would fall out. It was a problem, and I knew it...But I didn't accept it.

A lot of people also noticed; though I tried to hide it. They said I looked pale, and I seemed sick, but they didn't know the half of it. I was sick. I was sick of people caring now that it was too late. I was perfectly fine. They started trying to get me to eat again, forcing it nearly down my throat. It was always "Alfred we aren't trying to hurt you." or "Alfred you're not well." and "You're killing yourself."

They were right but damned if I'd let them know that. Though there was one problem I didn't have before...Now I wanted to die. I was forcing smiles and laughing. Even my Boss was worried but I'd blow it off, saying I was just a little sick. I never really liked lying or faking a smile, but it was the only way to make them stop caring.

What was it like to be happy again? Days and weeks started blurring together and my sleeping patterns became erratic. I started drinking, heavily. I covered the mirror, I didn't want to see the person in the mirror anymore. They just weren't me...but they were...I didn't know anymore. It's like someone took my body and destroyed it, but I did that.

I hated bathrooms in public, it was like I heard someone laughing at me...taunting me every time I walked in. I would look into the mirror and see the new me smirking back, challenging me in a way to accept I was this now. After a week of it, I stopped using public bathrooms.

The dreams were worse. I had more than one dream that I was there, sitting at the end of my own bed, thin and frail looking. My eyes would be clouded over and my skin greyish, patches of my hair were missing. The clouded blue-grey eyes would stare at me and all that they would say is "Why did you kill me, Alfred?"

Every time I would wake up screaming. The first time I cried, and then the next I just shivered and couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. After awhile it seemed normal. I'd wake up to nothingness but my own bed sheets and be fine.

One day I decided it was time. It had been nearly 5 months since I had stopped eating now. I needed to see myself. When the curtain came off, I was lost for words. My skin was translucent now, paler than I've ever seen it, and my eyes were sunken in and looked almost bruised, they were so dark and baggy they were hard to look at. My cheekbones and started jutting out and my jaw was very prominent, though the full of my cheeks had started sucking in. I could make out the shape of my temple and brow bone, even my nose had gotten sharp and seemed longer.

On the other hand, my body was worse. My ribs were showing and every muscle was exposed. My stomach was actually inverted under my ribs slightly, but not horribly. My hip bones jutted out and my legs looked far too thin. When I turned, you saw each of my vertebrae and. I felt tears fill my eyes.

I was killing myself.