an alcoholics duality. collection

an alcoholics duality

⠀ ⠀ ❝⠀ THE TRUTH I CARRY with me, like the greatest secret treasure locked away in my little chest; like an alcoholic his last drink, is that I no longer know what I am. I wish I were the being people see in my blurred features. I wish I was the winged lunatic who laughs under the moon as the blood of the guilty drips down upon him.

I wanted to be something to be feared, and now I am this. Something in between everything. So easy to see through in my asylum of reality; like a zoo they walk the corridors looking at every aspect of my being until they realise all they see is the whiteness of the cells; no reality that will be the same tomorrow.

I have been told that I am unpredictable and I accept that this is how I must live now; with a world made of cardboard that I can no longer distinguish from one made of stone, so confused and blinded.

I have stopped being sad. I've stopped feeling anything that feels real and I can't get my heart to beat like it used to.

I believe that the madness in which I have cloaked myself is a better fate than the burden of ignorance and falsehood. I no longer know if I can be as sad as I used to be without falling into a void.⠀❞

Aurora Astor, anatomy of my head
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⠀ ⠀ ❝⠀ HE LOOKS AT ME from the shadowed corner and I don't return his gaze, even though I haven't seen him for so long. I wonder how long he has been watching me with my friends.

His arms embrace me for a brief moment, but I am no longer aware of his presence. Only the ringing in the back of my head, reminding me that he wouldn't leave.

Like a lover, he doesn't leave my side, he stays close, and like a faithful wife, I haven't recognised him between normality for a long time.

Once he was clearer, once someone completely different in my eyes. Back then I could see him distinctly and feel his touch like burning iron on my skin; I could cry while he clutched my heart and my blood flowed between his fingers along his hand into his sleeve.

Now I have gone blind. Numb. Had succumbed to the anaesthetic.⠀❞

Aurora Astor, the femininity of bleeding out
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