My throat seems blocked, it's stuffy一I seems to can't breath properly. There are times that you just can't really identify your emotions, yet you can't deny that it hurts. I know it sounds exaggerated but that's just how it should go. I often can't explain what I'm feeling but I am certain that it was pain. The prickliness on your chest, the heavy breathing, the tears that yet to fall一it was all so heavy and insuperable. You can feel the strong urge to cry and breakdown, but you still chose to fight it as you don't want to be filled up with melancholy. Emotions will come and go, we are all aware of that. But once you let the sadness devoured you一you can't back down. After being filled with sadness comes emptiness. I don't have a good grasped if I was not the only one who experienced this, but it often occurred to me. Feeling empty is the least thing that I would like to feel, and that's a reason why I always fight the urge to cry and being completely engulfed with sadness. It comes as a torture for someone like me as it's way more hard when emptiness coupled with numbness. Feeling numb is the least thing that i would ask for now, as it leads to no good. As someone who's self-aware, I know that numbness will only lead to sh. I've been clean for months now, I don't want to go back to that phase anymore一I'm tired of having relapses after being clean for a long time. I don't want my hard work to be wasted anymore, I've long been tired.
-xenizate-
