Life Goals

CH1 Life Wins

An.

So this  book/novel/thing

is something i've been wanting to do for a while, and well its gonna take a while to get the whole picture up. I have had this idea for ages and its going to take a few  chapters to make everything clear. Its going to be a weird book/thing but after a few chapters i think it will become quite enjoyable?  Nevermind, just bear in mind its not finished?

I have a bad habit of pissing people off. That putting  it mildly. I guess first impressions are extremely important. So important that i blow them. Regularly.  

A lot of the time i wish college was harder,  or i was dumber. As i would be able to forge some sort  of interest in school work.   Some thing like that could consume me. A passion, some thing, anything. A passion of some sorts, something to consume my spare time.  If i could have something, anything. Some skill or hobby. Then i wouldn't mind being consumed.

I remember, my first day of college. I had a little group of friends. (They were, and still are shitty bitches.) And was put in a form class with some i didn't really know. 

My main problem was the only two people i knew were besties. The sort of friendship were i some random, would just be treated like a random lackey, to be dispersed of when they spent time out side of school together.

 So after some assembly were my new principle lectured the year group  on how we were now part of a community. And that we should work hard etc. 

I was filed into a classroom with people my age i was just meeting. I sat with some random other loner girl. And listened.

My new teacher for the year (Yr 9) was this and that... blah blah blah. But mainly my eyes scanned the class. All these people, my peers .  Were beautiful. Actually now only a small minority of them i view was beautiful.   One of the things that happened, that opened my eyes that day. Would have been the roll. My teacher stopped talking about himself  and read through the class. Shouting out names, and waiting for the child's reply.  One of the things he did was, ask  what they did. 

"Jaydeeen"

"Ahhh, actually it's jadeeeenne"

"Well hello Jadene"

"Uh hi"

"So jadene, what do you do ?"

"Ahhh  bake ?"

"Thats great, do you do brownies?"

"Sure "

"Great"

This small conversation scared me. As in a period of roughly 30 seconds i had now realized i had no hobbies interests or passions. It scared the fuck out of me . Still does now. 

Luckily it went like this

"Mikaela?" [I Honestly wish that was my name.]

"Yeah"

"Tell me Mikaela, are you scared on your first day?"

"Not really"

"Hmppphhh"

Such a great first impression. I swear half of my form hates me. But they're all dicks so  i don't care. I'd like to think i don't care, pity   i do.

.

There's a multitude of quotes out there about life and what it truly is to be happy.  I haven't found anyone in particular that's better than the rest. They all just summarize that you need something to do (Preferably something you're good at, or find enjoyment from) some one to do it with, and some other thing depends on who said it. 

I wouldn't consider myself depressed or anything  just a standstill in life.  This is probably a whole lot of shit, but i don't have any friends. And no apparent passion or skill.   I don't even know, im probably just some random bitch bitching.

Really all i want is to feel alive. 

So..... there's this chick called ah Maureen. Her name is Maureen , totally. And shes in ma form, a bit of a bitch.  But today she hung out with some people and put pictures up on fb. Which is ya know a normal thing for people with friends. Like when i think of her im just like oh her. Nothing special. But  she is. She has so much more than i have, and i just feel like acknowledging that somehow someone has more than you.

 And that's life.

 I mean she not that smart or pretty. But shes pretty good  at basketball and has a bunch of close friends. Fuck, i'm smarter then her, and she is kinda ugly in a good way. 

Like pretty but not noticeably, and her nose is weird.  (And im just some sad judging jealous bitch.)And she can do that casually and flexibly. Just cash, gonna hang with  my friends coz we want to. That's a nice life.  

Its not mine, but i want it. I generally think of her as a bitch, (By the way she is but i wasn't sure  yet.)

But i bet while she was with her friends she was happy. I wasn't. Because i didn't. Because im a loner with no friends. But shes not. Shes someone i had no aspiration towards.

 Yet she has so many things. All her friends, that she can be with. I would like to be with them, to have fun and make memories but i didn't.  Today i come straight home from school. She didn't i did. She hung with people, and was happy, reached that  moment were your satisfied with life and made memories she'll treasure forever.

 She wins at life i don't. Pity