My poetry

The See-Through Shiver

TW: nudity, vomit, panic attacks 

Sometimes when I walk into a room,

I feel naked.

I feel like everyone has seen all of me.

And it's true,

They have.

At home I feel as exposed,

Like I have no privacy,

It makes me hate myself.

Knowing that everyone in my household has seen me at my worst,

Seen me screaming crying,

Seen me with blood running down my arms,

Seen my body,

Seen me preform sexual acts,

It's sickening.

People find comfort in their family,

While I always feel embarrassed.

I hate crying in front of my family,

Because it reminds me of everything that has happened,

I hate wearing bathing suits in front of them,

Because I feel like they can see through it,

They have seen EVERYTHING.

To this day I get this random shiver,

I always thought of it as,

The See-Through Shiver.

Nothing is worse than this.

No panic attack,

No nauseous,

Not even flashbacks,

Are worse than the shiver.

It feels like someone is taking an x-ray of your insides,

Of all your feelings,

Of your mistakes,

Of your body.

I feel judged by my family because I am ashamed of what they have seen,

I feel uncomfortable being touched or comforted by them.

The shiver is something that I cannot get rid off,

It will live on with me as long as the people who were involved are in my life.

I wish I didn't always feel so uncomfortable,

I wish I didn't feel so guilty,

I wish I wasn't judged constantly,

I wish I didn't feel naked even with clothes,

I wish I was never exposed.