you got the same eyes as your father, and you carry the same kind of tempter too

Chapter 5 - Lily

"You need therapy."

The look he sent Clarisse's way was scorching, bewilderment bleeding through his every pore. He had no doubt he needed therapy, but he didn't have the time. He was managing school and a baby, all while trying to get an internship and grieve his best friend. Clarisse held it without fear, her own eyes staring just as intensely back, back straight and lips pursed in a thin line.

"Listen," she finally sighed. She pushed the tea Oscar had gotten him closer, disdain briefly flashing on her face at the temperature it now was. "You're trying your best. I know. But you need to let us help you. You're not alone in this, and there's people who want to make sure both you and Daisy are okay."

"By people, you mean you and Huan?"

"Yes. He told me he's willing to go through his contacts and find you a good therapist. I know the cost isn't the issue, either, so he can recommend a really good one."

"It's fine."

"But it's not," she snapped. She took a deep breath to collect herself, hand petting Daisy's hair on where she was sleeping in the baby seat next to them. "Julian, you're going to run yourself to the ground."

He kept his eyes on the baby, sleeping fitfully. One of her little socks was falling off, and he made sure to put it back neatly. She was clutching the dog plushie Robyn had made her while gigantic, on bedrest and bored out of her mind.

"Even Rob didn't do this. She had us, and she had Huan and Elliot, and Jade, and some of her friends even helped. You know this. So why are you doing this?"

Julian refused to think about the missed calls on his phone. The few video chats he had with Jade were few and far between, when he was exhausted and Jade sobbing, needing to see what she had left.

"She's– She's my responsibility. I need to make sure she's happy."

"And you can do this, while still leaning on us!"

"You don't get it, she–" He broke off, searching desperately for words. "I'm not a fucking father. I'm not a father, I'm an uncle, and I was willing to do this but with her, for her, and because it was fine, and I'm supposed to fucking–"

Tears welled up in his eyes again, and he let them fall.

"I can't fucking do this when she looks like Robyn. She trusted me but I can't do this. I'm so tired, but I can't give her up. I can't give her up when she looks like Rob."

Clarisse handed him a tissue, and he grabbed it to blow his nose loudly. He threw it in the overfilled trash can, overflowing with diapers and wet wipes.

"Then don't."

He turned to glare at her and snap, but she held out a hand, motionning him to wait.

"I want to say this was selfish of her, but it would be hypocritical. We all supported her. And even now, I wouldn't turn back time and change it." Sometimes, Clarisse looked much older than she was, aged years beyond the truth, back hunched and shadows in her eyes. Julian forgot, sometimes, she had also lost her best friend. Hells, plenty of people had. That was simply who Robyn had been. But no one had lost her like he did, like they'd lost part of themselves.

"But, Julek." Robyn had been the first to call him that. Screaming in his ear one morning, some weeks after they met. Saying she'd googled the origins of his chosen name out of curiosity, and found a nickname as a result. "You're not alone. I'm not leaving you like this, I'm not leaving Daisy, because I lost one friend and I want to make sure I don't lose another one."

The sigh he let out felt years in the making. Clarisse looked at him behind her thick-rimmed glasses, hands held together on her lap, biting her lip. He didn't answer.

When Clarisse put her shoes back on, shouldering her purse and hugging him goodbye, she hesitated at the door.

"You know... Sometimes I wondered if you were in love with her."

Looking into her eyes, he made it clear he'd wondered the same thing. How he accepted her into his life like a missing lung, begged the skies and above for her happiness, looked into her soul like she'd been the answer. Maybe he had been. Probably not. Theirs was not a love he could put into words, nor could he kiss and sigh into her mouth, find pleasure in her curves like countless others had.

He loved her as deeply as she loved him, but not in any way that made sense. Her child was his, his blood was hers, and he felt as if the smile on her lips was carved out of his ribs. He wanted to hold her hand and follow, because he felt they deserved it, after everything. He wanted her peace, to reach for the heavens with her hands at his back. She offered him everything he'd wanted and he gave everything he had.

Julian stared at the picture by the door. Robyn held Daisy up while he tried to wiggle a shoe on her tiny feet. She was laughing, the baby grinning, and even Julian himself seemed reluctantly smiling.

"I thought the same about you," he finally said. Clarisse followed his gaze and held up a hand to caress the frame. She kissed his cheek and left.

Julian took the time to take Daisy out of her carseat, change her diaper and place her into a bear-themed pajama Robyn had squealed at. He placed her down into her crib, careful to place the plushie next to her, and carefully left. He didn't close the door, instead staying in the doorframe to admire the room they'd painted. She'd wanted a forest-theme, and annoyed him until he agreed to head to the store with her and look at paint swatches. She'd already been waddling by then, belly full and barely able to see her feet. She'd roped plenty of their friends into helping paint the room and build furniture. He could still see the indents where Elliot had accidentally smashed the hammer on the crib while trying to nail the bars together.

Returning to the kitchen, he felt around his pocket for the pieces of paper he'd been given. He knew he'd be texting Sara. Her friendship had come easily, even before his breakdown, and having someone he knew in his class was always a bonus. He doubted he'd have her in any other class, though, considering he was pretty sure she wasn't studying law like he was. He'd seen music sheets in her bag when she first sat down in front of them.

Oscar, though... the man puzzled him. Apparently captain of their university football team, kind and good with kids, charismatic and terrifyingly handsome. Julian had no plans to ever see him again after the absolute shame he felt when he realized Oscar had basically carried him through the school, but he didn't think the man would accept that. Whether that was because he was smitten by Daisy, worried for the weird guy he found crying in a bathroom, or both.

He took them both out, saving Sara's number in his phone and simply slipping Oscar's note in his phone case. It wouldn't be within sight, nor easy reach, but it would be there if he needed it. He took the paper cup full of cheap tea, downed it all in one go with a grimace, and took out a wine bottle to serve himself some in the same cup. Not much, not enough to feel anything. Just some wine to roll around his tongue, forget Oscar's smile and go to sleep holding Daisy's baby monitor against his chest.

He ignored his own bed, instead throwing his dirty clothes in the laundry basket and heading for Robyn's usually-empty room. He'd snuck in a few times before, feeling bile rise up in his throat, when Daisy was particularly fussy and upset. Setting her down in her mother's bed, surrounded by cheap drug-store perfume and apple-scented shampoo seemed to help Daisy sleep, so he'd swaddled her tight and put her to bed there until he could no longer smell anything but the baby formula and his own after-shave.

He snuggled under the deep red comforter, settled the monitor on the other pillow, Robyn's, and closed his eyes to fall asleep.