Vandalized (Sequel to Recovery)

three.

I said ooh, girl, turn around
Tell me where we're goin' now
Ooh, girl, take it back
I don't want to end like that

We should take a walk someday
Dream about what we could've been
But I don't wanna leave this place
No faith in Brooklyn

______________________

My heart sinks to the very bottom of my stomach and I suddenly feel sick. I want to ask how he knows and how he found out, who told him, or where he heard it, but I couldn't. All my words were caught in my throat and I couldn't speak. I felt terrible because Taliyah and I were just discussing this and now here he is and I can't even tell him. I can't tell him the truth because I'm afraid if I do, everything else will spill out and he'll know how I feel.

"Answer me, dammit!" His voice is hoarse and he's seething with anger, I'm almost scared of him.

"Look, I can explain," I say.

"Well you'd better start now before I walk the fuck out of here single." He's pacing my room and I stand in front of my door watching him.

"I'm not telling you anything until you sit and calm down. You need to relax first cause it's a long story, Nathan. And it's not an easy one to tell, or one I ever wanted to tell you," I explain, walking towards him. His back is to me and he's looking out of my window. I wrap my arms around him and I instantly feel his body relax. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," I say, "but I have my reasons."

He turns around and I have to look up at him. His hand moves a piece of wet hair from my face and he's searching for something I can't give him in my eyes. He's searching for answers, and I was gonna give him some, but not the ones he wanted. Everything I was about to say was absolute bullshit. I couldn't have him figuring out I still loved my ex boyfriend, nonetheless, him being the reason we haven't had sex. "So then tell me," he says.

I walk back to my bed and he follows suite. I sit with my legs criss crossed and I tell him everything in a totally reversed way. I make it seem like we ended things on bad terms and like we hated each other in the end. I wanted to cry for how much I hated myself in that moment for lying to this amazing guy that I really do love, but I was doing it for a reason. I was doing it because Taliyah was right. If we loved each other, why shouldn't we be together right now?

"If you would've told me this sooner, I would've understood," Nate says, "why didn't you wanna tell me?"

I shrug, "It's just a touchy subject, him being my first heartbreak and all."

"Yeah, I get it." He grabs me and lays me down, beside him. "I just wish you would've told me sooner."

"I wanted to, but I didn't know how to, if that makes any sense." We're looking up at the stars I have glued to my ceiling and the question I was thinking of earlier pops backup. "How did you find out?" I sit up, looking down at him lying beside me.

He closes his eyes and sighs, "I saw your twitters."

"That says nothing," I say.

"On one of his tweets to you, there was a shitload of people tweeting back something about 'Jassie.' I had no idea what that was and then it kind of just hit me. It's Justin and Cassie put together and that only meant one thing, you guys were together."

"You know I love you, right?" I ask, trying to divert from the topic of Justin.

He sits up next to me and nods, "Yeah, I know, but it's just hard now cause I don't compare to a millionaire. And now knowing his songs are probably about you makes me be so much more protective."