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I let out a small cough after taking a pull from the blunt.
"You know I didn't care for you at first, but you ain't too bad." I took another hit and passed the blunt back feeling my eyes start to get heavy. "Only didn't care for me cause you thought I wanted your nigga." Greg said chuckling before hitting the blunt.
My body tensed up at him referring to Kentrell as "my nigga", since I still hadn't came to terms with how I felt about him. A couple weeks ago, I let him see me in a very vulnerable position and the shit fucked with my head a bit. I never once thought of another man in the way I catch myself thinking of him. I only seldomly get thoughts about him, and then I'm overcome with disgust. The thoughts go against everything I've been taught and everything I thought I knew.
Since the night I was at my lowest and admitted how I felt to Kentrell, it's been awkward. I was avoiding him but it wasn't because I was ashamed of how I felt. I just didn't know how to adjust to me clearly being different than what I expected myself to be. I realized then I was projecting my own faults onto Kentrell. I should've knew he wouldn't be after another nigga if he was trying to take me seriously.
That's how my friendship with Greg came about. He'd started hanging around more with Kentrell and I, and he actually took initiative to include me in shit which I appreciated. He never tried to make things weird, and we had started building a brother-like bond.
We had especially been hanging out more often since Kentrell was having a few people from home visit him every now and then. Winter break was in a couple days and Greg and I were trying to hang out as much as we could before we wouldn't see each other for over a month.
"Why I feel like this?" I questioned.
"What you talking about?" Greg said rolling another blunt, looking at me confused.
"Having feelings for a nigga. It don't feel right."
I squirmed in my seat and held back from coughing as he hotboxed the car.
"I was asking myself the same shit at one point. I was questioning why. With me playing football it felt so wrong to be different than everybody else. I realized that it's not some type of disease or some shit I can turn on and off, it's just a part of me."
For me it was always weird getting advice from someone about some shit I was seriously conflicted about so I just sat in silence after he was done.
He was right tho. I could either keep running from the shit or embrace it. I don't gotta be labeled as gay either.
I dapped Greg up and got out the car, breaking the hotbox. I went through my head trying to put words together on how I could express how I was feeling to Kentrell.
I would find a way to explain why I'd been so distant, why I couldn't come to terms with myself, but most importantly, why it was him out of all people who gave me this feeling.
A slight smile grew on my face as I came up to the dorm room. I hesitated before opening the door just to make sure I knew exactly what I wanted to say.
He boutta turn me to a soft ass nigga.
I let out a deep breath and twisted the knob, walking in.
There was no sign of Kentrell, but I heard the shower being turned off letting me know he was here.
I bigged myself up to say this shit to him and I wanted to get it out before my mind started trying to make me feel as if it wasn't right.
"Kentrell! Lemme talk to you." I said sitting on the floor and leaning against the bathroom door. Before he could respond, I started pouring out how I felt.
"You know I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm sorry also for giving you mixed signals. The truth is I just didn't know how to show my emotions. I think I might like you, and I'm finally starting to come to terms with the fact that it's not a bad thing. I don't know much about love, but I know if it's with you, I'm willing to figure the shit out."
By now, I felt a different emotion other than disgust. I felt whole for the first time in a while. It felt like I was on top of the world and couldn't shit drag me down. I was being honest with him, but honest with myself too.
The door clicked open, and I felt a pair of arms pulling me up by my shirt.
When I turned around, I seen Kentrell with nothing but basketball shorts on, drying his hair.
"I accept your apology Horace. I appreciate all you said too. I always knew where your heart was, I just needed you to be able to tell me how you feel without me forcing it out of you." I smiled at his words but something stuck out to me as odd.
"Why you call me Horace?" I furrowed my brows. He never called me Horace unless he was seriously mad or anxious.
He wiped his face and walked past me.
"You know how winter break coming up right?" He kept his backed turnt and leaned over the bed.
"Yea... wassup?"
"We gotta go back to Jacksonville." When he let the last word out, I felt my chest tighten.
I had vowed to leave that place far behind. It wasn't nothing but negative shit that would hold me back. I wasn't going back for any reason if I could help it. My family knew that which is why they didn't try to stop me when I said I was leaving.
I used college as a way to get out. I was gonna be more than what everybody else expected me to be.
"Who the fuck is we? I'm not going back to that shit. Why would I go back to a place that kept me under?" I grabbed at his arm and he finally turned to face me.
"Horace, I got a call from my uncle this morning." His voice began shaking and he put his hand on my shoulder, putting his other hand into mine.
I sat on the edge waiting for what the call was about, but never in a million years did I expect it to be about some shit that would turn my entire world upside down...
"He say both our moms been shot and we gotta get there as soon as we can."
The words echoed through my ears as I felt myself falling into the arms of Kentrell.
- A/N: I really hope y'all ready cause this where the story is about to ACTUALLY start.. Y'all ain't seen SHIT yet so buckle up!
