The first and last time I ever let an older man use me. I was 19 and in a bad relationship and the only thing I needed was a friend to tell me to get the hell out. No. Instead we started a weird relationship where I felt like I had to do so many things I didn't want to. I was convinced I loved you, if you can believe it. I was so sure that I was going to get away from D, move to California, and live my life in your arms. How fucking stupid. A glaring example of how young and naive I was. You took advantage of that. Then when I decided I was going to abandon our romantic relationship to fix my real one, you were disappointed in me and then dropped off the face of the planet. Do you know what that does to a person? Regardless, I adjusted. I was doing okay.
You came right on back. Was it the easy nudes? The way you could coerce me into sending you just the right videos? I'm still not comfortable with a camera between my legs because I think of your stupid voice.
You came back. I was in the same, awful relationship. I, of course, latched right back onto you. I was getting attention again! I felt wanted again! Please. We both know you didn't give a shit. We disagreed a lot more. Probably because I was coming into my early 20s and was maturing. You'd only text me when you were horny. And yea, it was very noticeable. I knew I didn't love you anymore then. In fact, I didn't even like you all that much. But I was thirsty for validation and attention and would run right on back when you gave me a drop. You got a girlfriend too. Tried convincing ME (young, broke, living at home) to fly down to your hotel. Abhorrent behaviour.
Then the conspiracy shit started up. How did Trump treat you? Did the magical 4chan man correctly predict he'd fix the world? You tried so hard to shove that into my face. You didn't like it when I pointed that out either. So I blocked you. I can't remember if I ever dignified you with goodbye. We saw each other in a game a few years ago and I had a panic attack.
Im turning 26 this week. I still think of you sometimes. It's never good things. I'm just angry. Im angry at a lot of the things younger me did. As the older adult, you should have led me right. But you didn't and I will forever hate you for that.
I hope you've changed. If you're still chasing girls that are way too young for you, drop a tire on your head please.
