journal diary

The end

When you're depressed, you write, so if you're to dead tomorrow someone should at least know what caused your death. People should learn from your death.

I have issues, yes, I want to tell someone yes, could I tell, no, but I write, I write things on my mind and I hope nobody will ever see them, but I still hope someone will see them. There are bruises, there are scars, and there are healings, but what source do these healings come from and how helpful are they.
You see suicide, it's very wrong, yes, but if it wasn't wrong every one would have taken that step as an healing to be free from this depressing generation.

Relief, I could get relief, perhaps by seizing my pulse, using drug, using another pain to create distraction, soaking myself under the water till death flash my through my eyes and I'll laugh and say "death almost caught me but I was faster than it again" yeah, I could make alcohol my daily bread, I could get addicted to anti depressant, I can Pierce my pulse on my wrist and someone "might" save me and I'll cross that stage, I could do lot of things, lots of them.

Some are not sad or depressed by chance but on purpose. The reason is because they invite competition, they allow oppression, they're against opposition and they want to be seen and known and better than anyone, especially friends. While some are by chance. In the sense that, there are family issues, work issues, personal crises and so on.

I always tell myself, "There's hope, tomorrow will be better" but when tomorrow comes, it passes and become yesterday, gone, gone, gone, never to return, wasted and withered.
You see, hope is okay, but assurance is a darling.

Year to year, my prayer are still left unanswered. God forbid that I'll blame or curse God, never. My prayers are left unattended to because there are distractions without motivation, no inspiration, no hope, all is vanity with sadness.

Waking up with tears is an evidence that i've tried, that I'm still trying. That I've prayed, that I'm still praying. Then I'm like, when is it going to all end? The agony, the trauma, the striving, do they all have an end? When I think that this one is over, another one shows it's ugly head, it's so complicated. I'll cry with words in my heart, alot unsaid, bawling my eyes out, making my cries silent, so that no one will hear them, it's not that I don't want to be asked what's wrong, but I don't want to be judged. "Is that why you're crying?" "There's nothing there, you're just breeding crocodile tears" blah blah blah.

These statements are in two ways, it's either they are trying to make me feel like I shouldn't dwell on that issue, I should move on, that's not something to make my priority yet, they trying to make me feel good with those words. In the other aspect, they're mocking me. For a moment, I might get words of sympathy but they are off sight, they judge.

I want to bring out more reasons why I can't tell someone everything but the words are not coming, it's stuck, in invincibility.

When you hear good news about friends, close or distant, you want to feel overwhelmed and Happy for them but you start to feel like "why not me, don't I deserve it too" you wish to be in that position especially when it has been your wish and desire all along, it's like you didn't do well enough to deserve it. I feel this way right now. I woke up this day with tears, it was painful, I mean we had that dream together, as kids, we were happy making them, it felt like it will be easy, no issues no delay. But reality had other plans, reality slaped more that karma, I guess.

My journeys in life has always been delayed, from start till now and of course it's depressing seeing your peers accomplish them, it's devastating... like where am I getting it wrong?.

Depression is real and people are dying from it. Me for one, aside my novels, I don't believe anybody can be depressed, but people are, I have seen it and it's not funny. At all. But how do we get help, this generation are also learning it, depression, and that is when it's funny until they really get hit with it and it's not funny anymore.

Cure, it's needed, very essential, different from relief. Relief is for a moment but cure is for lifetime, if you permit. I believe changing your environment is a start, a Serene environment, when you're are distracted by nature itself.
Doing what you love best, I love taking photographs, of anything and everything. I want to make them my wallpapers at home, my walls will be decorated with pictures I have taken. Of myself and nature. Nature is beautiful when you realize it's meaning.
Lastly, taking strolls, and writing them in your journals, you'd smile more, feed more and sleep more. But in all, make an effort to improve your sanity.

Don't be deceived my anyone, I have refused that. Only you can give "you" the happiness, cure, and sanity that is required, only you. You rely on material things and they'll fade, on a person and they'll disappoint. With God everything shall be history.
I don't know if I'll live to tell my story in person, what I'll make haste while the sun shines and write till my hands are numb. We all will be fine not by mouth but by action, Do it people with hope and assurance.

I hope the world ends soon, before we are ended by it's cruelty.

My name is Abigail, a girl with 5% remaining, I have written but I'm not sure I can abide, help is required. Else It soon shall be my end.