Midnight rain 🌧️ | Yang Jungwon

Part 1: Semicolon

Raindrops fell freely on the ground. There was a damp smell of rain in the air. Darkness and a few lanterns that illuminated the path of the Banpo Bridge. I looked into the water surface of the river. I hugged my knees more as the wind hit me again. I shook from the cold. A tear flew down my cheek. Inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale, it will be okay y/n. That's what I kept repeating to myself. Only why, if I can't believe it. First one, then another 5 tears flowed down my cheek. I clenched my fist out of anger. Unknown feelings accompanied me. I have always had trouble identifying my emotions. With a tentative step, I stood up. I stood on the edge of the bridge. With tears in my eyes that blurred my view. Well maybe it was meant to be this way. Maybe God planned for me to suffer and this is how I'm supposed to end my life. I crouched down. My head was throbbing from the constant pain. I didn't even have the strength to finish it. I was mentally and physically exhausted. Just why was I the one who was tired of all this, if it was my fault. I pulled out a razor blade from under the case. First one cut. The excruciating pain and sense of regret. And then another. I made 5 deep incisions, even though the voice in the back of my head told me to make more. I felt so powerless. What was I guilty of to deserve this. Was I really such a despicable person? Why did the world destroy me so much. Why did the people I trusted the most let me down the most. Why did I have to be the one to apologize when I was the one who was hurt? My life is a constant question of why and why. I stood up again. Looking straight ahead, I leaned forward slightly. Only, an unfamiliar pair of hands pulled me backwards. I flew backwards at the young boy.

 -Are you insane girl? One thing went wrong, and you already want to kill yourself!- the boy shouted at me, and I backed away from him, still sitting on the ground. It would be nice if it was one thing. A lump appeared in my throat that prevented me from saying anything. I looked at the boy. Smooth fair skin, and strands of his raven-black hair fell over his dark eyes which were shaped like a cat's. Warm blood flowed down my hands and irritated my skin. The wounds burned horribly. He just looked at my hands, and his face turned several shades paler.

-Why d-did you do this t-to yourself-  the boy asked, stammering, and the option of telling everything to a random boy wasn't really convincing. I shrugged my shoulders and threw my head back, taking in air. Raindrops fell on my face, mixing with tears.

 -Why?- the boy repeated the question, pressing me to answer. 

-Seriously you ask why I did this to myself when you yourself stated that one thing must have gone wrong?- I said quite irritated, in a weak voice. The boy looked at me with visible shame on his face. He coughed.

-Em, maybe I was wrong here.- said the embarrassed boy, whom I ignored. I looked at the blood flowing from the fresh wounds. The boy across from me grabbed my wrist to allow himself access to a better view. At his touch, I immediately took my hand away and got up from the ground.

-Why did you do this to yourself?-  asked the boy, keeping pace with me.

-Such is life. Unfair, sad. Some get a dream life, others get punishment and suffering. - I said dryly sitting down on a bench that was located on the bridge area.

-What do you mean? - the boy asked me again.

-I mean this is what happens. One is sad, the other is happy. You haven't encountered such a thing as diversity?- I said.

-But that still doesn't explain why it's like this- said the unconvinced boy. In fact, the boy knew what was going on, he partly understood, but he wanted to extract as much information as possible from the girl.

-The universe planned it that way for me. Maybe it was meant to be this way. Life is hard and I don't see the point of continuing. Do you understand? There is nothing or no one holding me here. There is only me. Am I sad? I will comfort myself. I would like to talk to someone? I'll write everything on a piece of paper. I feel lonely? I'll cuddle my teddy bears and tell them how my day went. I'm just me. And these wounds show, the struggle that I am fighting. I am fighting alone, no one is with me. Do you understand?- I said when another tear ran down my cheek, and he only shyly nodded his head. I counted to 10 in my mind to calm myself down, which unfortunately did not have a good effect. I sighed at the thought, an attempt that had failed. I was so close to finishing it all, and some random guy must have ruined it all for me. I got up and simply directed myself in front of me.

-Where are you going?- the boy asked me, catching up with my pace. I ignored the boy, quickening my pace.

-Where are you going?- the boy asked again.

-I'm going to find another bridge.-I joked, laughing lightly. The boy did not laugh, he maintained a serious face.

-But why?- the boy asked, at which I rolled my eyes. Is he really that naive? The boy knew perfectly well what the girl wanted to do. That's why he asked these meaningless questions to distract her.

-What do you mean why? And what did you think I wanted to do before you decided to stop me?-I asked irritated, kicking pebbles in the road. The boy blocked my path, facing me. He was taller than me. In his eyes I noticed, that little spark of life. Something that was absent in me. His eyes sparkled when mine looked like a corpse's.

-Listen, leave me alone. Why do you care what I do, just leave me in holy peace, that's all I ask for!-I shouted at him and took a step back.

-But why do you want to end your life?- the boy asked me, and tears ran down my cheek. I began to play with my safety pin necklace, to which the stranger boy caught his attention.

- I already told you this! Because I'm so damn tired of all this you understand! There's no one by my side! No one! Do you know how hard it is to fight alone with all this? It's like fighting one soldier with almost no equipment, and a whole army with the best equipment! I can't handle it! I tried to fight! For 3 damn years I fought! And you know what, it's not better, it's worse! Why do I self-harm? Because I feel that I deserve it!- I shouted to the whole street, crying even more. I squatted down, grabbing my forehead, feeling how weak I suddenly felt. I inhaled and exhaled. My head began to spin. I couldn't catch my breath. I didn't even notice when tears began to run down my cheeks. I was greedily trying to catch my breath. Panic attack. The eyelids of my eyes became increasingly heavy.

-I don't feel good.- I managed to say and my eyelids closed.