Inner Chaos

How it all started.

I didn't go to my buddy's funeral.

I didn't wanted to see people showing their sympathy which won't last a day. I don't want to be a witness of that sick sorry feeling a person has for someone when the other dies. I don't want to see those people's face who ruined my friend's life; did nothing whilst he suffered all alone. I do not want to stay around the very people who forced my friend to commit suicide.

Yes, my best friend Arron Miller committed suicide and NO he was NOT a coward.

He had faced his problems and dealt with shit more than any normal person could do in my opinion.

But everything has a limit. Sometimes things go out of the hands and "I'm fine" starts meaning I am not fine. "It's okay" just doesn't remains Its okay anymore.

I became friends with Arron Miller once I decided not to stick around fake people anymore. I knew Arron from elementary school and also because he lived next door to me. I started hanging around with him from junior year of high school. It could be the reason that most of our classes were same but it was mainly because that guy seemed genuine to me.

He used to have those buddy holly glasses up his nose. He won't follow lame trends just to fit in. He won't dress 'cool' to come to school like I used to earlier, but he managed to wear decent clothes which some of the kids thought wasn't cool. He was what you would call a introvert-busy-in-his-own-world. He would mind his own business and that was his secret of keeping his grades high. He was shy and quite.

The first time I had a proper conversation with Arron in the school cafeteria was after our English class. Generally he would sit alone and I would sit with my friends while we would talk about sports and random chicks they slept with. But this time I chose to sit with Arron.

At first the guys would ask me why the sudden change but slowly they all seemed to understand that I had enough of them, without me telling them. But the girls were terrible. They would hound over me thinking that I still enjoyed it. It was my fault that I encouraged it in the past but now I would tell them politely but they won't understand.

Arron was a bit uncomfortable around me but gradually we became friends. We would hang around. He would help me with my studies while I coach him in Basketball. That boy was made for the sport, but he wasn't sports freak like me.

Arron's parents were a bit weird. I never saw that parent-child bond in between them whenever I was at his place. I am sure I never saw Mr. Miller speak to his son ever. Mrs. Miller would sometime speak to her son but it was never with the voice of an affectionate mother. It was like Arron was just another person living at their place.

All was going normal until last month February. That day Arron walked in the geography class late. It was our first class together and I hadn't copied my geography homework from him. Although the teacher hadn't come in but Arron was never one of those people who would walk in late in the class even if it was declared that the teacher won't come.

Arron took the seat next to me. His hair was all tousled up and his eyes looked tired and red. His left cheek towards me looked strangely different. "Arron did you put up makeup ?" that was my first guess after I stifled a laugh.

Arron looked at me and I could see his eyes watering. His lower lip started to quiver and he looked paler than ever and he started shivering badly. Arron was having a nervous breakdown. I didn't know what to do. I started to look around and saw nobody had noticed at us. Fear rose up my chest as I started thinking of the correct thing I could do at that moment.

I went and held Arron by his shoulders. He had started crying by now. I called out Arron's name, I rubbed his hands and when nothing helped I pulled him in a tight embrace and started rubbing his back gently. Arron slowly stopped crying but was still shivering and gasping for air after crying so hard. He laid his head on my right shoulder. I asked Arron what had happened.

"Caleb," Arron said.

"Yeah Dude."

"I am gay."

I was confused how to deal with situation. I didn't want him feel uncomfortable and I also wanted him to know that I am totally cool with this. I gently whispered its okay and he slowly got up. Arron looked fine and gave me smile. For the first time after knowing him this long I could say he was really happy for the first time.

I looked around me and saw the entire class staring at us. There were some peeking from the windows also. For a minute they were all quite and looked shocked and at the next they broke into loud conversations, some booing and some swearing.

I grabbed Arron by his arm and took him out of the school that day. We reached my place and Arron straight went in my bathroom. I thought of giving him his space although I was worried. I ordered for pizza and kept talking to Arron time to time.

After an hour later Arron came out of the bathroom. He went straight to the pizza box and grabbed a slice. I looked at Arron and noticed a large purple bruise on his left cheek. I asked Arron how that happened and after pursuing a bit he told me.

Arron had came out to his parents two years ago and his parents didn't take it healthily. His father stopped talking to him and his mother started to care less. Arron said he felt proud and happy then although he was a bit sad. Coming out was the best thing to him. He said it was not about him telling to his parents and them accepting it.

It was him accepting himself in front of his parents.

His parents never spoke to him properly after that until yesterday when he told them that he wanted to come out to everyone. He said he couldn't be himself around his peers by hiding such a thing about him from others. He said he wanted to mix with people and that would only be possible when he accepts himself socially. Not live a life of lie. Listening to this, his father went all violent and started muscle power on his child while her mother simply went through her Vogue. Arron packed his bags and went away from his home and stayed on the roads for the night. Arron said during all this he felt proud and brave. Like a lion and he could hear his roar. He said during all this he got to know how much he loved himself.

My respect for that guy grew more than before. He started staying at my place after that.

But the school took up the role of his parents and started judging him. Things went wrong and very bad and I was not always present all the time. He looked strong but little did I know that even though he was trying hard, things had started affecting him. The sign of a strong man simply means that he is slowly dying inside.

Arron Miller committed suicide last week Tuesday. Everybody in the school cried and Arron's social networking accounts became popular at once.

Hypocrites.

Being gay or LGBT isn't bad or wrong. Accepting your individuality makes you stronger and love yourself. Not everyone has this opportunity. It's learning to love yourself more and keep yourself before others. Yeah it might be true - gay people are funny,smart, cute and awesome. I'm fortunate that I knew Arron Miller.

A/N

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Blue.