The Game of Fate

The Feelings

TW: PANIC ATTACK, HOMOPHOBIA, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

The realization had left him feeling hollow. 

He never expected to be in love with Ishan. Actually scratch that, until a day ago, he didn't even know he was into guys.

Maybe one time in high school, a pretty attractive guy had caught his eye, but it was nothing like what he felt with Ishan.

Now that he thinks about it nobody ever has made him feel that way. It has always been a passing attraction. A feeling like I wouldn't mind getting close to this person but if I don't, it will not affect me.

Love..

But this feeling, the feeling that you know you would would give everything away just for a moment with this person, knowing that they make you better, them being one of the reasons you wake up, this was an entirely knew concept to Shubman.

It was later when he was alone in his shared room, Ishan out with Aditi, when the emotions came in full force. The consequences of this realization finally set in.

It him like a truckload of bricks.

Oh god, if anyone was to ever find about it, it would ruin everything. He would lose his family, his team, his career, his life, and he would lose his best friend... turned love of his life.

Oh how disappointed everybody will be when they find out he's ... gay. The looks of horror...

It unlocked a memory stored deep inside his brain.

It was during his junior year in high school. One of his friends had recently been outed. Everybody's faces , their comments,

'What a disgrace'

'A fucking faggot'

He's family had forced him to cut contact with him. He found out later that he passed away by this own hands.

'Thank god. Did the world a favor' 

'Disappointment'

Disappointment. That's exactly what he is. A disappointment. A FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT.

Stupid, stupid Shubman. Always messing everything up. Can't do anything right.

The world started blurring around the edges. It seemed an elephant was sitting on his chest. It was getting harder to breathe.

He couldn't breathe.

He's knees gave away. He crashed down to the floor. He still couldn't breathe.

Somewhere in his foggy brain a voice, strangely similar to his own, reminded him, he was having a panic attack.

Oh god he did not have one of those since he joined the team and met Ishan. He had thought that he had finally put those in his past.

He needed to breathe. Soon.

Black spots were already appearing in his vision. Everything was blurry.

A faint sound in the background registered somewhere in his brain. The noise increased.

Something dropped in front of him.

Oh, someone was shaking him.

A voice. Calling out his name? The voice sounded familiar. He tried to focus on it.

'..., ....an, ..ubman, ..hubi, SHUBI! Come on man, focus on my voice, can you hear me?'

A faint nod.

'Okay okay that's good. This one's pretty bad huh? No worries , we'll get through it like before"

The voice was soothing to his ears. No matter the words, the voice washed over him a sense of comfort, a safe haven.

'Come on Shubi, can you tell me about 5 things you see?'

He couldn't. He wanted to, he promised. But no matter how much he tried, he couldn't clear his vision. Why. WHY

'Okay calm down it's fine if you can't. How about 5 things you hear?'

He managed to squeak out- 'Your voice, the tv, fan, the horns, and the.. the birds'

'That's good now how about 4 things you feel?'

The sweat sticking to his skin, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest, the wooden floor, and the soft hands holding him. A soft laugh. He must have spoken out aloud.

'Now 3 things you things you can smell'

The woody smell of Ish's favorite cologne. Wait.. that voice.. Ishan, of course.

'Ishan?'

'Yes Shubi, it's me. Are you okay now? Or should we continue?'

His vision has started to clear out and breathing was a lot easier. He did not want to bother Ishan anymore than he already had.

'Yeah yeah no I'm fine now.'

Shubman got up with the help of Ishan and sat down on the bed. Ishan bought him a glass of water.

'Would you like to tell me what happened or..'

Shubman hesitated. 'I think the stress of the World Cup approaching caught up to me.' He smiled weakly.

'Okay then, get some sleep Shubi, its quite late. And do wake me up if you need anything. Promise?'

'Promise'. Shubman hid under the covers and listened to the sound of his roommate scuttering about until finally with a resounding click the noise stopped.

A sigh.

This was a problem he'll deal with tomorrow.

AN: Welp that's another chapter. Told ya this story's gonna deal with pretty dark yet realistic topics. Forgive any errors, I wrote this on 1 hour of sleep and enough caffeine in me to kill a horse. I'll edit it when I can. Don't forget to comment about your opinions. See you in the next one.