The Boy Who Took My Heart in Secret

Pretty Face

I'm not someone who easily likes someone like that. It's not that I don't try either, I get rather attached to new people in my life that I can easily confuse for attraction, but I never go as far as fantasizing about someone. It just feels unnatural and forced, even the thought makes me visibly cringe. So, imagine my confusion when I start thinking about Jacob like that.

Jacob isn't conventionally attractive. He's tall but extremely skinny, soft skin, dark hair and a fair complexion. He's also covered in freckles. His face made up of different consolations, leading down the expanse of his lower back to his long legs and across his skinny arms, though that's what you can see from the outside. I often imagine about where his freckles could also be places that I've been thinking about all too often for it to be friendly. Maybe I like femme looking guys.

I dont often get to see him without his glasses, but whenever i do i find myself trying to memorize his features, but often have to pull myself away for fear of him finding my wondering gaze. I often see those features in my dreams late at night. Not every dream is the same, a lot of them is me simply wanting to be hugging him, or snuggling into his side, anything that is skin to skin contact, but other dreams leave me craving more of his touch. My body getting excited at the thought but frustrated at the reality. Me and Jacob are just friends.

We aren't even good friends, we barely talk outside of our friend group, just one on one, even if I really want to. Maybe I'm afraid to get to attached to him, afraid of losing him after I've just come to terms with the fact that I want him. I crave his attention like a lovesick puppy, crave his touch, his gaze, aching for something to show me that he may also feel this way. That I am not the only one who aches to feel is lips, that I'm not the only one who is sneaking looks at the other, that my feelings are reciprocated. But I'm afraid of what he'll say. 

Without the real thing, my body still craves any of him, so my dreams give me what I want from him. His undivided attention, his affection, his love. My dreams, my fantasy's, let me touch him, let me feel him, let me give him my undivided attention with all of my affection. Let's me feel the warmth of his freckled hand gliding over my waist to my thigh, to tightly grab my behind and hold me close to him. Let's me think about what he would feel like touching me, would he enjoy it? the thought alone could make me clench.

But me and Jacob are just friends, and all of this will never leave my head.