𝑁𝑜𝑏𝑜𝑑𝑦 𝐾𝑛𝑜𝑤𝑠 𝐴 𝑇ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐴𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝐻𝑒𝑟

Chapter 2

"Why am I even bothered about Jacob? I don't even want to live" but doesn't love make you want to live more?

There was another fight in her mind. Wanting to breathe Jacob's love for life and wanting to die. Ayham chose to wake up with a hope to die and that hidden fantasy to live with her love. She called her elder sister Mary. "Did you get the number of that psychiatrist? What do you mean? You could just ask for it from her? Why can't you just help me? It's easy for you. You know I don't have much time", Ayham stopped talking as she realised Jacob had entered the room. She pretended that it was all good. But Jacob just like every other person decided to make assumptions about her.

When she was leaving the room, Diana asked her where she was going. "Home", Ayham replied. They all kinda lived together on the same lane. Jacob looked at Ayham and said, "She is running late, she wants to marry". Ayham felt Jacob's jealousy. Jacob from the day he saw Ayham secretly crying, made an assumption that she might have broken up with a guy and now she is depressed because of that. Although Ayham never talked about any guy as she didn't have any boyfriend. Ayham was irritated to hear him making assumptions. But it made her feel loved and she enjoyed it. But that enjoyment wasn't emotionally fulfilling. So she chose to nurture her desire to die.

Ayham got back to home. Her mother was scared for her health. "Ayham, are you okay? Do you need something?" "No", Ayham replied in a calm tone. Ayham was a girl who would kill her pain so that nobody can ever feel burdened with her problems. But she got tired of her whole life at this point. And she had to scream. She had to cry. She had to let her parents know that she wants to die. "I don't know why I can't get better. I tried everything. I tried to paint, write, meditate. Nothing helps. I am suffocating every sec", Ayham was sobbing into pain. It felt like her whole life wants to make her wish to be hugged by death. Her fake smile and dead soul showed on her face every now and then. Jacob noticed it. Everybody did. But she couldn't care less about everyone else.

She knew at that time Jacob was in a relationship. Jacob always had to brag about his not being single around Ayham. Ayham used to feel weird about his tone. It was another mystery for her but she never wondered until now. "Why he always had to state that he is in a relationship  around me in a weird manner? Like he was trying to make me jealous or hurt! But I didn't love him back then. I  barely noticed his tone. Are we both the same? We have so many differences yet it feels like we mirror each other". Ayham was frustrated with all these confusing thoughts when all she wants is to have a simple life. "No, I wanted to die. Simple life! No", Ayham was scared of her own thoughts. Mary her elder sister called her to know if she was alright. Ayham felt loved by her elder sister. Or maybe Ayham wanted to feel loved by someone unconditionally so she chose to blind herself in order to feel loved by Mary. "I am good. It's suffocating here. I wanted to be alone. But everybody is around me all day. I get anxiety attacks and I pretend to be okay. It's killing me. I wanna die", talking to her sister over phone with a facade of my sister loves me was nothing but her foolishness. You can't say it's her love for her elder sister.Not when her sister was the one who put her through so much that she ended up in this mental state. It was her desire to feel loved and have a easy life. No matter how Ayham had to deceive her mind into thinking that Mary wouldn't harm her anymore and Mary loves her, she did. Just to make her life feel easier.

"Oh! Honey. You will be okay" Mary replied. Mary was the one with an image of the perfect elder sister with the most evil brain. To the world, Mary was the blessing of Ayham's life and Ayham was the disobedient, ill-mannered kid. To the world Mary had that image of a polite lady and Ayham was the disturbing one. However, thanks to Ayham's innocence, bubbliness and funny side. Ayham was loved by many even though she never had that perfect image of an angel like her sister. Nobody knew how Mary used Ayham to protect her image in front of the world. Mary tainted Ayham's image by making her behave in the most abrupt ways. Ayham thought Mary loved her. So, Ayham for most of her life did everything Mary told her to do. While getting called by names for her misbehaviour, behind the curtains Mary used to appreciate Ayham's impolite manner.

"She loves me no matter what. I would always protect her. She loves me. If she says I didn't do anything wrong that means I didn't do anything wrong," Ayham grew up saying these to herself when the whole world was accusing her of being a bad kid for behaving in a wrong manner. She didn't know Mary was using her as her voice. So that whatever Mary wants to say would be spoken by Ayham and Ayham will be the bad one. Everybody will know how Mary was the patient elder sister who has a ill mannered, spoilt lil sister. Nobody knew what the truth was. Nobody knew.

Whole day passed. Ayham didn't do anything. She just cried and thought of how to change her life with a hope to die soon. In the evening there was a tea party in Diana's place. Jacob and his brother Daniel was there. Daniel asked Ayham "Will you join us for the movie night?" While Ayham was in her home sobbing into her tears, they had the best life to plan a movie night. Ayham felt it. It was not the thought of Jealousy. Ayham felt the happiness she was missing in their eyes. She said "no, it would be better if I don't. Mother needs me. She might not allow" smilingly. Jacob once again  showed his frustration after hearing Ayham's reply. Ayham got upset but she was so dead inside that she chose not to react. After a while she politely said, "Jacob, if you really want me there, talk to my mother." Jacob said, "I won't. I won't do this much for you". It felt like a scratch in her heart. She remembered the moments when nobody ever really did something for her.
"Brother, are you okay?! Let me give you a head massage" how beautifully little Ayham asked her elder brother after he was beaten by their father because of his mischievousness. But hearing her voice filled with concerned and love her brother chose to hit her continuously until she left. She remembered how her elder sister just said "Just come with me. Nobody would do anything to you" in a rush after hearing little Ayham's fear of visiting the place where there was a man who touched her inappropriately. Mary couldn't care less about what she heard. She only wanted to go there with Ayham so that she doesn't get bored. "But, I don't want to go there sister. Please!" Ayham looked at her sister's face and realised her sister felt nothing. Ayham felt like an unvalued person back then. Jacob reminded of her that similar pain. Ayham didn't say anything to anyone.

Jacob had believed that Ayham had the best life. She got the best sister. She got the best parents. While little Ayham in her home used to pray to not get beaten up by her mother. "I pray to not get my mother angry. I pray that she doesn't hurt me today. I pray that I stay safe" these were the words she repeatedly cried while living Jacob's assumed happy life.

After that day Jacob and his brother was invited in Ayham's place. "Can we take Ayham for the movie night in our place aunt?" Ayham heard Jacob's voice from her room. She felt something. But the pain he reminded of was still there. But she wanted to feel better. Ayham's mother let her go while Ayham could see she doesn't really want to let Ayham go. But Ayham went with Jacob and his brother. She thought it was only a movie night. But the movie night gave her some unexpected beautiful moments filled with undeniable emotions. She forgot how she wanted to die and how once she wanted to kill.