public diary

Limerance

27/2-2020:

I regret that I deleted everything that I had of you in my phone, even messages, they would have given me a lot of solace. i regret that I can't talk to you or hear your voice anymore, not so much because I miss you, I do, but it feels more so like scratching an itch. I know how much of my feelings are because the memories and fantasies in my head are not really you. I think about our intimate moments in the beginning and they were so special, we were so young and you were my first everything. I think about your personality and how special I found you to be. I can see that you have changed as a person and i hope the best for you. I know that our intimate moments are not to be repeated and i wouldnt want them to, I just find comfort in them. I probably never told you like many things, just to protect myself but before we got together I had a crush on you since the first day we met, so much built up for almost four years before we got to that point. Everything was already so strong and then we got together, and after we broke up we stayed together just like we had before just without the commitment. that messed up with me so bad. I was such a fucking mess.

You wouldn't want it to be any other way. You liked the fact that you could have it your way and you didn't have to be committed, you weren't expected to have any obligations now with no title to the relationship. You even said it. You don't feel obliged if it's someone you love. You never loved me.

The contrast between the good times and the bad ones are like looking at a relationship with two different people. And I really want to believe that the person i had to deal with during those horrible times was someone who was incredibly insecure and immature. However the humiliation and the feelings of being misled never fail to appear. And I cannot find excuses for your mendacity.

Then, i think about what kind of relationship i imagine we could possibly have in the future. I think about how we still have those long talks about everything and everybody and we laugh and we argue and we get mean and then, because I'd like to think
I still have some self respect and dignity, I think a little bell rings in my head when we get too close and i take a  discreet step back. "If we meet again" I think, "I will take a step back"... In my head I imagine how we are just, friends! Chilling, talking, maybe facetiming with no bounds and expectations and threads attached and tiptoing..

And then I realise, Im just lonely. I just want someone I could talk to. You were there for me in my lonliest times. i just want someone to talk to about anything and everything. Its actually not about you perse.. And then i feel relieved. Im not a bad girlfriend im just a lonely person with an unfulfilled life and no friends or family to really talk to right now.

And I get sad, I think about what is wrong with me, why am i not desired? Am i not a good friend or a fun person to hang out with and talk to? I am coming to peace with the fact that im different, I now have it confirmed, actually yes im biologically built different. After  beating myself up for what my life has come to be, I find solace in thinking about those times that i was so desired by you, I have never felt like that before in my life and I live those moments to the fullest and the yearning rises again and the cycle continuous.

I really want you because im so lonely.