Loving a Narcassist - A Memoir

Intertwined

Winters at the library were often my favorite. The mall boasted large skylights that showed the snow falling from our glass front windows peeking into what we referred to as "a little slice of heaven." There you would find 4 cozy tall armed chairs that would wrap around you as you curled up with a good read. Only the sounds of soft click clacking at the public computers would fill the otherwise peaceful silence. And the rest was just the fantasies surrounding you through the many stories filling millions of pages around us. The air carried a subtle warm scent of worn paper and lingering hints of the baked goods across the way at the Cafe. Christmas lights glowing through the hallways bringing tiny glimmers of joy. 

Somewhere amidst all of that you would find myself and other teenage coworkers shelving the returned library materials. Often giggling and sharing all of the gossip from the couple of days we had collected off work. Usually at volumes higher than it should have been, but that was why the children's section was our favorite since it was nestled in the back and in it's own room. It was always the last section we would shelve so that we could goof off the end of our shift. 

Near the front of the library also housed three public walk up computers that did not require a library card to sign into. And there is where the beginning of Jake happened. 

Jake was Jared's best friend. He dated a mutual friend Miley that had introduced us some years back. Miley and I hadn't really talked in some time but I remember our last encounter involved her, Jake and her little brother visiting the library and me talking about Jared and I being together. 

One particular evening around the chilling months of January/February, Jake walked into the library and up to the standing computers. Me being the nosy person I was, walked up right next to him and announced my presence. 

"Hey!" I said playfully, standing far too close. 

Jake was dressed in jeans and a blue collar shirt with a name tag on the right. No doubt coming from his job at the Machine Shop. 

"Oh hey, Leah!" he smiled as he recognized me. "What's up?" 

"Not a lot. Just working. How have you been? What brings you here?" All the questions I didn't really care about. Let's be honest, I wanted to know if he knew.

"Just checking emails. Been working a lot. I heard about you and Jared." There it was.

"Yeah...it is what it is." I played it off. 

These encounters would happen a few more times before I would notice a friend request in my inbox of Myspace that would lead to the next eleven years of my life and wildest ride I could have ever imagined. Basically shaping my future and the person I would be.
Not long after accepting the friend request would begin the message threads.

"He was crazy. You can do so much better than him. You are gorgeous! You should meet my son sometime."

Now here's the thing. I was young and heartbroken. He said what I wanted to hear and he said it in all the right ways at all the right moments. He was a great guy. We were just friends and he was being supportive. At the time, he lived with Alicia. She was his girlfriend in high school and first love. Her son Malachi was about a year old and Jake said he came about from a random encounter where they had reunited for awhile. He talked about him all the time and would send pictures of him. We would talk about how he had his skin tone and cute little nose shape. Keep all of this in mind as I come back to this later in the story. 

Jake and I exchanged phone numbers along the way of this friendship. It never really even crossed my mind to be more than friends for quite awhile. He was my ex's best friend and in a relationship with the mother of his child. And somewhere deep down I know that I hoped it bothered my ex that he would still have to hear my name somewhere floating around after what he did to me. Not my proudest moment...but again...young and dumb. 

A couple months of late night conversations and eventually the relationship with Alicia came to an end. He seemed sad and rather distressed that he didn't see his son hardly ever. He would tell me that Alicia was keeping Malachi from him and that he wanted to get custody rights to him so he could take care of him and be there for him! Alicia was so petty! I thought.

Not too long after that, Jake of course confessed that he had feelings for me and everything moved fast from there. April 4th would be the day it all became real. We were walking around the mall just hanging out and he took my hand. I felt so seen. It didn't have the same electricity yet that Jared use to give me, but I felt appreciated. 

Jake's sister and her best friend ran up to both of yelling "Hiiiiii, brother!" in all her preteen energy. Jake introduced me as his girlfriend and looked at me for validation in the relationship. I smiled and nodded that yes, I indeed was his girlfriend. His little sister was so cute. Petite frame with long box braids and the prettiest little smile you've ever seen. Eyes wide and brown with a happy glow about them. Full of random giggles. Immediately I became attached to her. 

As the months went on I would start spending more time with Jake. Lying to my parents about my where-abouts to sneak over to Jake's house. One hot summer day I filled 2 buckets of water balloons and carefully placed them in the trunk of my car. Driving across town I timed how long it would have taken to actually reach my best friend's house (whom lived an additional 15 minutes further than Jake's house) just incase my parents called to see if I made it to my destination. Pulling up to the house I see Jake standing on the porch with a bucket of his own off to the side. Smiling in the most devilish way with pride. The fenced in yard displaying freshly cut grass and a weight bench off to the side with dumbbells' perched above. The brick road causing my car to bump around as I rolled carefully to a stop praying the water balloons had not morphed my trunk into a kiddy pool. 

Jake's little sister ran outside to greet me as I opened the trunk. 
"Quick put this behind the car!" I handed a bucket over to her. And then the fight took off. 
One balloon, two balloon, fifteen balloons go flying back and forth over cars. Ducking and running around. Screams and laughs filling the atmosphere and broken balloons littering the streets and the yard. By the end of it his little sister and I were mostly dry with a few hits to our clothes and Jake stand completely soaked head to toe. 
"Ah HA, we GOT YOU!!!" Yelled Nia (his little sister.) 
Jake narrowed his eyes and poked out his lips in defeat. A smirk crossing his face. And then he grabbed me, pulling me into a complete bear hug as Nia tried to save me...but it was too late. I was now also soaked. 

He sat me down on the back of his cherry red '86 Camaro and laughed. As we looked at the ruins across our battle field silently for a moment...it all sunk in. 
"Your mom is going to kill us. We should probably clean this up."