he felt his skin against his fingertips and heard his soft feathery groans of 'i love you' and tasted him like metallic snowflakes on his tongue he could feel him in his every step and during every shallow, pained breath he took and he still couldn't see him.
'j-josh' he gasps, his fingers clutching the bedsheets as he clenched his eyes shut, begging.
'pleasepleasepleaseplease josh i need to see you, where are you?' he choked out desperately, his voice still shaking and sweat still coating his shuddering body.
tyler was only ever alive when he could see this way. and he could only see this way when he slept. everything was dark when he woke up, everything ate away at him, suffocating him until he couldnt bear the thought of breathing, the icicle chambers settling in his fragile lungs and the sparks and candle flames that reached up his throat and threatened to choke him when he opened his mouth. he didn't have to keep quiet when he was with josh. he didnt feel the same barbwire thornbush wrapping around his throat and weighing him down, heavy against his shoulders and neck. he felt free. he didnt have to hide around josh, he didnt have to think about breathing because it came so easily to him, exactly the way he imagined that clouds looked or the way water flowed. he didnt have to try, because those were the times where he felt alive.
tyler got up in a dreamlike state, stumbling down the stairs, fingertips skating against the walls and voice resonating against the sound of the the rain that tapped against the windows.
'im not leaving im gonna deal with this feeling until i can see you josh i need to see you pleaseplease stop dissapearing' he whispers, unaware of the rhythm of his words and the fact that they flowed in time with his heartbeat, melodic and comforting while the desperation in his voice stood in contrast.
he can't find him again. his time is gonna be over soon and he still wouldnt have been able to see him. and he would spend every second regretting it.
'tyler' his voice melted against the rain and it made his heart race, his entire body felt the way his name fell off of joshs tongue, effortless and surreal, to the point where he sounded like nothing but an echo of a voice he once knew so well.
'joshjoshjosh you're here please answer me'
'tyler listen to me'
tyler stopped in his tracks, unsure of what to do and shocked by the harshness in joshs normally soft voice.
'tyler can you hear me?'
"yesyesyes josh please i can hear you please come back to me please i miss you so mu-'
'tyler please listen to me. you've been gone for so many years and i cant take this anymore. i hear your voice and i feel you everywhere and its time for you to move on. you've been dead for so long and i cant deal with this okay? you need to get out of here'
'j-josh' he whispers weakly, his voice cracking.
'tyler please. ill join you when the time is right. just go'
tyler choked on his tears, taking a moment to realize that everything, EVERYTHING since he had died had been him trying to reconstruct memories with josh, trying to feign existence and nothing had been real. he'd just been an unwelcome presence in the home him and his soulmate shared at some point. and it was beyond over now.
'josh.' he choked out one last time before he felt his body slipping away from him and his thoughts becoming shoadows and static
'tyler, i promise. ill be with you soon okay?'
his voice faded completely this time.
and now.
he waited, with nothing to hold onto.
josh promised he'd be with him soon.
and he never went back on his word.
