the darkness within us ~ n.h.

chapter one.

relapse sucks. it fucking sucks. there's nothing worse than thinking you're better, feeling like you're doing better, but being unable to continue. the feelings of worthlessness become so overbearing. and since the streak is broken, what's the point of trying any more?

all these thoughts were racing through my head as I lay back down in bed after my relapse.

worthless.

pathetic.

unable to do anything.

incapable.

fuck up.

the self esteem I had worked so hard to build back up was completely gone, broken in that one misstep. I knew that I needed to avoid food the next day, but this time around, I had no clue how I was going to hide it from the boys. how does one hide something like this from people who have seen it before?

I couldn't sleep. I felt my insomnia creeping back. it scared me how much of myself was gone again, and I felt as if I was watching the last shreds of who I was disappear through the cracks. I tried to grasp them and pull them back, but they were gone. possibly forever this time.

I tossed and turned in my bed til morning, at which point I had no desire to get up. I didn't know how I was supposed to face the boys after having done what I did.

I imagined their faces if they found out.

they couldn't find out.

I supposed the best way to do that was to get up. they'd know if I stayed in bed all day. I got up, showered, and threw on some clothes. staring myself in the mirror, I took inventory of my dejected frame, dark circles, and bloodshot eyes. I glared at myself in hatred. this was as close to normal as I was going to be able to get.

I had been invited to go to harry's flat for breakfast, and then spend the day with them, and canceling would have looked suspicious so I got in my car and drove to his place.

as soon as I walked in, I heard the happy clamor of harry and zayn in the kitchen. harry was cooking, zayn was likely irritating him.

I walked into the kitchen and called, "good morning!"

"good morning!" harry and zayn chirped.

"what's for breakfast?" I asked, as if I really wanted to know. there wasn't anything that would make me want to eat breakfast. nope.

"eggs and bacon," harry said cheerfully. I nodded in return.

fuck. of all the meals possible, it had to be eggs and bacon. no way in hell was I eating that.

zayn reached over and started ruffling up my hair. that was it. I snapped.

"fuck off."

that was enough to catch zayn on. he looked at me suspiciously.

"what's got you in such a pissy mood? you alright?" he asked.

"yeah, of course I'm fine. just not a morning person," I muttered. he didn't seem convinced, but let the subject drop. "where are the rest of the lads?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"they should be on their way-" right on cue, the front door banged open and liam and louis' chattering could be heard immediately.

"'sup boys?" louis yelled in a dreadful american accent.

"shut up," I growled.

zayn chuckled. "you'll have to excuse niall, apparently he woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

I just rolled my eyes. he could just fuck off.

behind zayn, harry raised an eyebrow at me in concern. I just smiled back at him. he didn't appear to buy into my act, but didn't say anything.

"breakfast is served," harry declared in a posh accent. he dished up plates of food for us and set them around. every one dug in except me, I started pushing the food around on my plate. I didn't think anybody saw, until I looked up and saw harry watching me intently. I quickly grabbed a bite and pretended to eat, but really just spit into my napkin. he looked away, but I still was incredibly anxious at the idea that he may have caught on already.

soon, breakfast was over, and I made it through without eating any. harry made everyone else clean up, and I was rising to help when he said, "hang on, niall. I want some company over here." seeing no way to decline, I nervously went over.

"what's wrong this morning, niall?" he asked.

"absolutely nothing. I'm fantastic," I said.

"oh, cut the bullshit, tell me what's going on."

I rolled my eyes. "am I not allowed to have a bad morning every once in a while? do you not trust me with my own wellbeing? I thought we were past this, but apparently you still feel the need to treat me like I'm three years old!"

"that's not fair-"

"don't tell me what's unfair or not. what's unfair is that I can't be in a bad mood for five minutes without everyone assuming that I'm fucking depressed."

"you're right, I'm sorry, I do trust you. you've been doing so much better. do you forgive me?"

"of course."

"but niall? you'd tell me if something was wrong, right?"

"of course I would. I'm better than that now."

"I know," harry smiled, looking reassured, then walked away. "I'm proud of you!" he said as he left.

that made me feel like shit, but I needed to be able to continue what I was doing. and he was prying anyways.

somehow, I had managed to convince everyone that everything was fine. isn't it funny, how people believe what they wanted to? the boys really don't want to deal with me bad again; they're trying to ignore the truth. only harry pushed a little, but still. speaking of him, I still feel shitty for what I said to him.

it's scary what depression does to you. in order to keep yourself isolated, you manage to hurt everyone you love.

and that's the end of chapter one! hope you guys like it. please, feedback is welcome! thank you so much!!