the darkness within us ~ n.h.

chapter three.

I suppose I should have felt shock or sorrow or anger over the fact that I had ruined all my progress in what seemed like overnight. I had been healed, happy even, only weeks before.

and yet, as I looked back over my past few weeks, I realized. the signs had been there. I hadn't truly been happy, but somehow, wanting to please my friends and families, I had convinced myself that I was. and that was the most terrifying thought yet.

the rest of the day, I allowed myself to wallow. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't think; and that was fine by me. none of the boys bothered me. I had managed to scare them off. confrontation would come one day, but not today; today I was safe.

with a heavy mind and stinging wrists, I let myself fall asleep. I would begin the coverup mission in the morning.

////

as day broke, I peeled open my eyes. a restless night had ended; another long day was soon to begin. but I couldn't waste time lounging about. the boys would never let me continue with my coping mechanisms, but I needed them. I needed to find a way to conceal them.

I had always cut my wrist, but that was easy for the boys to spot. from then on, I would move to a place that they would not suspect: my thighs.

I couldn't skip meals around them, but we weren't on tour. I wasn't around them all the time. for now, these would be the only meals I would eat. I would throw them up if at all possible, but only if I was sure that I wouldn't be overheard.

I was ready to continue. the boys had made my secrets public. I was ready to make them secret again.

first, though, I would need to find a way to smooth things over from the day before. I had behaved suspiciously. harry and zayn had both caught on. they would need to be thrown off, and I had planned the perfect conversation to do so.

I sent a text asking them to come over. I told them that I needed to tell them something. they all agreed. I made chips and dip for us to eat. this was the perfect food--they would see me eating, but they would have no clue how much I had actually eaten.

as soon as I had finished setting out the bowls of food, my doorbell rang. I opened it up to liam's cheery face. he waved hello and stepped inside. louis soon followed, walking in the door with a bright smile on his face. I returned his grin. we joked around while we waited on the others two.

zayn arrived next. as I opened the door, he assessed me with a sharp look. I lifted my eyes to meet his gaze. he would view anything else as a dead giveaway.

"hi, niall." his gaze was piercing, and I knew that yesterday had been a mistake.

"zayn, hi. thanks for being here." I maintained eye contact. he would not be able to tell anything by my eyes. that was my reassurance.

the doorbell rang again, and harry walked in, abrubtly ending zayn and I's awkward moment.

with everyone there, we moved to the living room. I made sure the boys saw me eat the first chip. and the second. this was safe.

as we all took our seats, I began. "so this isn't really a big deal, but I just wanted to be honest and up front with you guys. you've done so much for me that you truly deserve it." I made sure to make eye contact with all of them as I spoke.

"what's this about, niall?" harry asked softly.

"I know some of you guys noticed that I was having a bad day yesterday. I want to make sure that you don't worry unneccessarily. I read some hate the other night and I was feeling really badly about myself and really insecure. I was snappy and rude, but I really didn't mean to hurt you guys, and I'm sorry. yesterday, I was considering eating less. I felt like I needed something to help ease my insecurity. I know that this is wrong, and I know that I should not have been thinking these things, so that's why I decided to come to you guys. I didn't want it to appear that I was hiding things from you. but regardless, that was yesterday. this is today. today I am okay."

zayn looked at me from his spot in the corner. "then what were the bracelets about?"

"I was feeling really insecure. I didn't want my weaknesses displayed. I know that alexa has scars too, so I should have been okay, but I wasn't for whatever reason. I'm clean though."

the boys all looked at me sympathetically for a moment before any of them spoke. then liam seemed to take charge. "niall, we're really glad that you decided to come to us before things could get bad again. you did the right thing. I'm glad you're okay now, and I'm proud that you told us.

the others nodded in agreement. I grabbed another chip and smiled. my plan had worked. they had been fooled. I had fed them exactly what they wanted to hear, and they had lapped it right up. they all smiled at me.

except one.

perhaps had I not been so busy congratulating myself I would have noticed.

from his spot in the corner, zayn had maintained an unreadable look, and his eyes made contact with the back of my head. I would not know that he was not fooled until later.

later when he would stay later after the others had gone, maintaining the pretense that he wanted to watch television with me. later when he would look me in the eye and demand firmly and sadly,

"your story would have made sense if you weren't still wearing bracelets. niall, I'm sorry I have to do this, but if you're really clean, show me your wrists."

and with that, my facade began to shatter.