Hide and Seek | GeminiFourth

Chapter 11: To Seek (Final)

Maybe I didn't do the right thing.

This was the only thing I could think of these days. I was miserable. I was dying.

I was watching the same scenery; like I did everyday, all day, for the last month. The sun was just rising, coloring the sky to the most beautiful colors. The waves were crashing to the shore nonstop, right after each other, leaving white bubbles behind. Some birds were chirping around, waking each other up. I could see the fishing boats getting smaller and smaller as they sailed away for the day.

And I was... just looking at all that. With no joy, no happiness, no hope, no nothing.

I did this to myself. So I had it coming, I deserved feeling like this. I thought about everything and every possible scenario that could have happened, over and over, taking my time. I didn't regret leaving him. Because I knew I wasn't good for him and I wouldn't be able to make him happy. Ever. He would make me the happiest person, like he said. But how would I be able to carry the weight of knowing I was the only happy one in the relationship? I was going to wear him down slowly if I stayed. He was going to detest me one day. He was going to think of everything he gave up for me and realize I didn't deserve any of it. He was going to think he was a fool for making me stay.

But I felt sorry for myself nevertheless. It was shocking to discover how easy it is for someone to forgive themselves. Same went for me too. It was easy to find excuses and reasons for the things I did. I wanted to protect, I wanted to take responsibility, I wanted to do a good thing for once... Words words, all of that. I worked for the organ mafia but I had no idea what they were. I was stupid, I couldn't connect the dots. I worked for a loan shark because I didn't know any better. I didn't think the police would be able to save us from him. I didn't blame myself that much anymore. I wasn't innocent but I wasn't the villain in anyone's story.

Except for Norawit's.

I could forgive myself for anything but what I did to him. I couldn't justify myself about breaking him that badly. I could still see his face, scared, so scared that I would leave him. Hands trying to hold me, lips begging. And I did. I left him like a coward. Which I was. I was a coward. What did he do after finding me gone? What did he look like? Did he cry? Did he go to my apartment? He probably tried to call me a thousand times. Was he miserable like me?

He probably was.

But I knew he was going to get better one day. He was going to be so much happier after me.

I didn't smile. I didn't cry. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat anymore. Not that I didn't try, I just couldn't. It didn't matter what I ate, I couldn't keep them in for more than five minutes before throwing up. I gave up after a few attempts. I was just living off on drinking juice and occasionally eating plain rice. I stopped trying to sleep altogether. My body decided when it was time to shut down anyway.

I was just a walking corpse.

When I told Kit I needed a place that I could stay, to get away from Bangkok, he told me his uncle had a small house at the beach in Ban Chang. He was a fisherman so he was away all day long and was actually happy someone would be taking care of the house when he was gone. They told me I could stay there as long as I wanted. I was really grateful. But I actually didn't plan to stay here for this long when I first arrived. The sea, the scenery, the birds and the wind allured me, I guess. It kind of pieced together my shattered soul. I cleaned and cooked the whole day. I read books sitting on the porch. I helped tourists to find their ways and offered them cold barley tea sometimes. It helped me forget some things, even if it was only for seconds.

But it didn't save me from myself.

I didn't have any plans anymore. I wanted to look for a teaching job for the next semester but even thinking about going back to Bangkok made my heart skip a beat. What if I saw him somewhere accidentally? How could I stop myself from running to him then? He would probably kick my ass if I did that. I couldn't imagine myself staying here either. I didn't feel like I belonged here. This wasn't my life, this wasn't what I could do forever. I didn't have any fishing skills, it was boring anyway. I couldn't take care of the tourists for a living either. Maybe I would go to Pattaya. There had to be job openings there too. I didn't know, I couldn't think straight most of the time.