Last Christmas

Hello, Again

The snow falls lightly, freckling the glass window with a winter wonderland. Small snowflakes kiss the windows frame, melting away as soon as it touches. Snowflakes so small and delicate, only fitting into the center of your hand long enough to catch a quick glimpse. Snow is so delicate and crisp. While Winter is so cold and dangerous. There is something so interesting about how easily snow is overlooked. Without snow, winter would not be as cherished as it is. 

The house is warm, almost too warm. My aunts old childhood bed is too small and the covers are too thin. The only thing keeping me settled right here is watching the snow fall onto the window sill. The clock on the wall ticks too fast while the hand moves too slow. It's as if Winter has chilled time itself.

I am supposed to be downstairs-dressed and showered-in one hour. But all I can do is sink deeper into the old springs of this mattress. Jet lag has finally hit me from the long flight from New York to Milwaukee, Oregon. The heat is overwhelming and this room is almost too big, even though everything inside of it is so small. 

Every year my mother leads us down from New York City to visit our grandparents, and though I love my grandparents, I also love everything about Christmas in New York. Oregon is completely different during Christmas, the busy rush I'm used to isn't flooding the streets. The lights on every street, in every store, on every building isn't here. 

Cameron isn't here. 

I sigh. Brushing a hand over my hair, straining my hands over my face to release the growing tension. I hate the way I left things with him. We had been growing apart all school year, classes getting busier and my job growing in ours, I just saw him less and less. Until I found him in his dorm with my classmate Sarah Roskee. I still can't figure out if it was my fault. Everything I tell myself, no matter how many times I say it, always leads back to me blaming myself. I should have tried to keep him, tried to tell him how much I wanted him. 

At the same time, Cameron didn't try either. I always planned the dates and the movie nights. On our 6 month anniversary, I took him out to his favorite dinner spot while he hadn't even remembered a gift, not even flowers. I've introduced him to my parents, while I've only ever met them once unofficially. So honestly maybe he's just a total dick and it took him cheating on me to finally see all the cracks and flaws in our relationship.In a way, him cheating on me was for the best?

The heat has become unbearable. Flinging the covers off myself, I rush to grab my coat and snow boots, heading down the stairs and out the door. My gloved hands fumble with the buttons on my coat, only causing me to become more frustrated with how I'm feeling.

Finally reaching the front door, I swing it open against the heavy wind to feel the freeing sensation of snowflakes hitting my skin. I can finally breathe.

The lawn is covered with a thick blanket of snow and the bear trees through the yard shovel piles of snow into the elbows of their branches. The sky is a pale grey, matching the icy tundra perfectly. Across the street, two small children play by rolling heavy balls of snow together. Their father stands behind them, his face beat red while still holding the camera in his shaky hands to capture the beautiful moment.

I graciously step down the porch, avoiding the heavy patches of ice decorating the walkway. The steps turn into long strides, my boots barely gripping the ice below me. Almost to the end of the path, my strides turn into a normal pace right up until-

"Shit!" My foot slips onto the sidewalk, the thin layer of ice cracking under my weight but still tempting my body into the air. My body lands onto the blanket of snow behind me, an instant chill waving through my body. I can feel myself sink into the Earth. Half with humiliation, the other half with the couple inches of snow I'm currently laying in.