A Letter To The Only One

The Last Letter

December 5, 2023

Dear Rachel,

I'm honestly astonished that I found these letters on Wattpad of all things, but I really was very cringey in middle school so I'm not really surprised. I'm currently sitting in a cafe in Prague, Czech Republic of all places, too, and I just so happened to open up Wattpad to look for another old piece of writing, just to find this.

Wow. I was really in love with you, wasn't I? I spent years of my life following you around and trying to get your attention. Countless nights I spent crying in bed, aching for your touch. Not even in a sexual way, but in a comfort way. I wanted to hold you in my arms and protect you from the horrors of your life. Even after so long of being run through the ringer just to be around you, I ached for you. I craved you. I wanted nothing more than to be everything you wanted and/or needed. Looking back at it, I know you never felt the same, and though that hurts, I'm not angry at you. How could I be? When for so long, all I wanted was to be noticed by you.

You used to joke that I was "yours" but you would never actually act on it. You used to tell me to wait for you as you got with other guys and would scold me when I told you that hurt. I think you liked the idea of having someone at your beck and call rather than actually liking my company. Or maybe you had been deprived of having someone love you unconditionally, so you were scared of the commitment, or maybe you just didn't know how to handle it. Either way, I did love you unconditionally. No matter what shit you put me through, I loved you. I'm not saying this to shit on you, I promise, just to get my thoughts out. I would have done anything for you. I would have given up everything for you. Money, grades, classes, friendships, relationships... anything. I know now that it was a lost cause, but I truly was so head over heels in love with you.

Did you know it took me until junior year to get over you? Yea, Pluto actually helped me there. When I fell in love with Pluto, I truly had to reevaluate myself because the only time I had ever felt such strong emotions for someone was with you. For a second there, I thought I had lost the only part of you that I had left; my love for you. I know now that that love never left, just changed in severity. I no longer needed you like I needed oxygen, like I had for years. But my love for you stayed, even to this day. I don't know if I've ever told you, as I didn't even know myself until years after we were no longer close, but I'm on the aromantic spectrum. I don't "fall in love" easily. To this day, I have only ever really been "in love" with 2 people; you and Pluto. Weird that you're both girls and yet I'm not sexually attracted to girls isn't it?

Anyways, I'm not writing this to talk shit about you. Though you were insanely toxic towards me, I have never held a single grudge or thought badly of you. I know you, Rachel. Maybe not as well as I did 5 years ago, but I saw parts of you in middle school that you can't deny. Even knowing that, I also know you are an amazing person, Rachel. You have so much love wrapped up in that body of yours, and you've never failed to amaze me just by existing. Not many people can go through what you have and still push forward. I have never once doubted your strength, or your ability to do hard things. You have gone through so much, with and without me there, and I know how hard it must have been. But you are still here, and that has to count for something. Even when you were telling me horrible things and manipulating me, I never wanted any harm to come to you, and I still don't.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, and I probably will never send this to you, but I hope you know I think about you. Not in a stalker way, but in a "I hope you're doing well wherever you are" way. You may not like me anymore (honestly I wouldn't be surprised if you either never thought about me or even hated me now) but you will always be my first love. You will always be the first person who somehow broke down my aromantic walls and slithered into my heart, and I hope that counts for something. I hope that my love for you, even so far away now, gives you even the smallest boost in confidence. Because you deserve to be loved unconditionally.

Regardless, I hope you have an amazing life. I hope you get everything you've ever wanted and live comfortably. I hope you never have to go through the heartbreak you put me through, and if you have, I hope you have found a support system that loves and cares for you and helps you through it. You deserve so much from this world, and even though I won't be there to watch it, I know you will fight for it, because you've always been a fighter, even if you don't realize it.

I won't end this on a cheesy "I will always love you" note, but I will end this saying that I will never forget you. A part of me will always belong to you for some reason that I can't seem to figure out. You were such a huge part of my life for so long, and though I didn't show it for years, I don't see your memory leaving me any time soon. You are a memorable person, Rachel Marks. I hope you know that.

Thank you for existing and being a part of my life, even if for a short period of time.

Forever yours (for some odd reason),

Tide