Knowing Thyself (Borrowed Time Canon)

Knowing Thyself - Rebecca Aladori

In her own personal opinion, Becky was the perfect candidate for a lobotomy - even before going to Camp Exodus, she thought way too much about everything all the time, she was a chronic overthinker and that was only made worse by how much forced introspection had occurred at that camp, but it was different now.

What was once curiosity had turned into malicious thoughts to herself about how she was disappointing everyone around her, how her queer identity was destroying her. She laid awake beside Carly, who'd fallen asleep three hours prior after some much-needed intimacy... It'd been a rough day, getting to touch Carly always made her feel better, getting to feel her skin and hear her moans and pants in her ear... it was healing.

Normally it was healing... For whatever reason today, it made her feel sick, she had to keep swallowing down acrid bile even though it had been amazing - she'd been so happy in the moment, but her brain had destroyed it, and she knew she didn't have a prayer of sleep.

Even as she laid silent, her hand drifting up and down Carly's back, she felt her stir beside her... Shit, I didn't mean to wake you up. She glanced over in the dark to see Carly sitting up on one elbow, the blanket pooled around her hips... She looked beautiful in the soft moonlight from the window, her skin soft in the light... She wanted to reach out and touch her, but her brain convinced her that she'd burn in hell if she did that right now, so she instead allowed herself one glance and then looked away...

Maybe Carly would just lay right back down and go to sleep... But there was no luck with that line of thought.

"Mmm... It's three in the morning, why are you awake?" Carly asked, her voice scratchy in a way that made Becky's heart speed up a bit in her chest as she turned on her side to look at her. Her eyes were still droopy with sleep and her hair was a mess as she squinted at Becky.

Glasses... She'd taken them off for Carly earlier and put them on her side of the bed. She grabbed them and passed them to her, watching Carly blink as she put them on, a dreamy smile on her face when she reached out to move some hair out of Becky's eyes... It was sweet that she bothered with that, most people wouldn't.

"I couldn't sleep, sorry." She said, and Carly shook her head, scooting a bit closer to rest her hand on Becky's hip over the blankets, rubbing her thumb on the fabric in a way that soothed her even as her skin wasn't being touched.

"That's okay." Becky's face must've shown that her thoughts were racing, because she felt Carly's concerned look on her, and she felt bad instantly for making Carly worry. "Is something wrong?" She asked, and Becky shook her head, even as she felt herself sour at the lie...

There was always something wrong, but she never wanted Carly to have to deal with her trauma, that wasn't fair to put on her. Carly had been nothing but healing for her, she didn't seem like someone who'd dealt with a lot of trauma in her life, and it was very healing to be around someone who was so well adjusted, she didn't want to ruin that.

"No, I just get introspective at night..." Becky grimaced... That's a word for it... Introspection meant that she was beating herself up for never getting 'well'... Even as she laid in bed with Carly's skin pressed against hers, with her steady breathing beside her, she still felt like a sinner. "It's the time when I'm the most vulnerable, so the most thoughts race through my head." She explained, and Carly's eyes softened even more with understanding as she frowned slightly... It was a look that was heartbreaking on someone with expressions that were already so soft.

"And it probably doesn't help that we're doing something that would brand you as a sinner..." Carly reasoned, and Becky nodded... She hated that her brain still went there, she hated that 90% of the time, she would quietly leave the room to throw up after having sex even though it was good, even though she always enjoyed it with Carly and Carly would be attentive and check in the entire time.