The letters

Dear father

I would promise, swear, or take an oath to assure that I will, if ever given the chance, be a better father than mine ever tried to be. So, dear father, why do you think your kid cries every time he has to talk about you or has to imagine moments, that due to your ignorance will never happen? Your son is trying to create a life that makes him happy, he is everything you ever wished for, intelligent, talented and on the way to great success, but just because you don't agree with a thing he has no control over and did not choose you make him suffer in silence, well he is ready to break that silence and speak up. Your child, who you're supposed to support, love and cherish looks up to the other men in his life wishing they were at your spot. Of course physically speaking he's almost an adult now but inside there's a young boy trying to have a good relationship with his father and hear the words "I'm proud of you son", he would do anything to hear those words. Of course you have so much to deal with, managing a Hotel, being with your new girlfriend, helping your daughter moving out and even paying for her rent, but just showing your approval isn't too much to ask for from a parent. You care so much about how other people perceive you and your reputation as a well known man in our country, that you forgot how your own kid sees you. You're a narcissist and don't know it, in your life there is just one thing that matters, you. I wish you realised how broken our relationship is, I doubt it will ever get better with time, like the people keep telling me. Now at sixteen I am even considering cutting you out of my life completely, do you really think that is normal? A young man, who many would still consider a child,  having so much to deal with emotionally and still being able to make such a decision, it shall not come to that point but I am ready to take back everything you've taken from me, I am ready for whatever action I have to take to assure my mental stability. It wouldn't be a hard choice to make, which might seem odd but after all it's going to induce a lot less trauma than staying by your side. People have called my wish of distancing myself from this world of yours cruel, but that's what makes the issues with what you have done to me so real, if I am able to cut you out it's proof that I am not exaggerating. They say I would never have the strength to pull this off because apparently to them you're still my father. One thing I need you to understand is that I did not choose to have you as my parent, lord how many times I wished to be able to pick. At the end of the day you chose to have me, so why did you never act like it ? It isn't too late, as much as I despise you, I would give you a last chance if I knew you'd changed. The thing is I know that I was planned but I'm also aware that you didn't plan of having someone like me. So what if I was planted in this messed up family for a reason? Maybe so that you could do better with the second one. Well, you did even worse, at least your first born isn't writing a letter to you about their pain because they wish you finally realise where you messed up. I don't want to be your little experiment, you test out my patience, anger and my love for you with every word spoken. Sometimes I wonder if you think of  yourself as a good father, probably, because someone like you could never think badly of themselves and I have done an amazing job at hiding my hate for you because it would only lead to more conflict. I am fully aware that right now anger is getting the best of me but the thought that never in my life will I get to have a dad because you will always remain just my father, is killing me inside. Why should you, knowing nothing about your son, get to take the most important decisions of his life? We live on opposite endings of the country and even a few months ago when we were neighbours I saw you twice a week. I have absolutely no intention to willingly visit or meet you. Does it ever occur to you that all of this is damaging to a young boy's heart? I know your intentions aren't bad, you're just trying to protect me, but father I am an adult and I have been ever since I was twelve. I was forced to grow up because thanks to you, I needed to learn how to be the man in the household, how to stop my mother from committing suicide and all that while trying to stop myself from harming my own body. All that because when you were at home your mind was absent and eventually you left us all alone. Do you consider it normal and healthy that your child dreams of getting a lawyer and robbing you of all the parental rights you still hold? Sadly I lack the money. Do you think it's normal for your son to lay awake at night praying his mom finds a good man soon so someone can teach him how to be a man? When the time will come he won't know how to shave his beard or how to take care of his body, do you know where he learned how to tie a tie? The internet. Every time he looks at old pictures of you or a photograph of you two together he sees how similar you guys have become, even though he can not complain about getting your looks, he hates recognising the face that traumatised him. There's nothing that can undo your actions in the past but you've got one last chance, of course you don't know this but you will have to handle the consequences of your actions eventually. I don't beg or supplicate for anything, father I am just simply asking for your proudness. I often wonder, have you ever cried for me ? Would you ever shed a tear if I gave up the position as your son or if I showed you this writing of mine? Well, you find it hard to call me your son so I will quit considering you my dad. I hope this is enough for you to see all the damage you have done. 

Sincerely, your son.