SONGS FOR THE BROKENHEARTED

ALL THAT SHE IS... 1

I have someone who loves me. I know he does, and he knows that I know it, but he also knows that I won't accept his heart. Yet, he still pushes. I don't want to give him the burden of loving someone who doesn't know how to fix herself. But he doesn't seem to understand. He doesn't want to understand that being called a "runs girl" isn't something anyone would want to be known as.

I understand exactly where the name stems from. I perfectly accept my faults and shortcomings, but I cannot figure out how to heal from them. Or maybe I don't want to. What I know for sure, though, is that I won't allow anyone to waste their pure love on me—especially Jide.

"Lois, there's this place I know that serves amazing stir-fried rice. How about we have dinner there?"

"Jide, I'm not hungry," I lie. This is the third time this week he's tried to take me out, and while I know it might seem like a harmless dinner, I don't want to lead him on in any way that might suggest otherwise.

"I know you're hungry. Let's go eat."

"Jide, I need you to stop liking me. It's not going to do you any good. Everyone at school is starting to call you names, and I don't like it."

"Really? What are they saying?"

"Stop asking like you don't know what I'm talking about," I say, rolling my eyes.

"I honestly don't know what you're talking about," he says, confused.

"So, you want me to believe you don't know? Dey play," I humph.

"Lois, see, I've chosen not to know what they say about me. That's why I don't know."

"Well, they're saying I'm using jazz on you, that there's no way you'd be associating with a 'runs girl' otherwise."

"Jazz? And who's this 'runs girl' they're talking about?"

"Which one is who? It's me, the runs girl," I say, bitterly.

"Stop saying that. I've told you before, you're not a 'runs girl.' You know you're not. So why are you dancing to their rhythm? I don't like it."

"Please, just let me go," I beg, trying to walk away.

It's almost 6 p.m. and we're by the university library. We've just finished studying for our final paper. Three weeks left till we graduate, and I can finally escape this hellhole I dug for myself. Everything about this place keeps me in a state of constant regret, abandonment, and self-hatred. Maybe it'll stop after graduation.

I start walking away from him, but he grabs my hand to stop me, pulling me closer.

Seeing her swim in her self-hatred makes me so annoyed, but I don't know what else to do but love her and show her how much she should mean to herself, how much she means to me. I pull her close enough for only her to hear my words.

"No, I won't stop, and you know that. I'm in love with you, Lois, and that's not going anywhere anytime soon. I know I sound cheesy right now, but fuck it, I love you. I know that I do. It's not just a feeling," I confess, my voice raw.

"Maybe it's a virus. Are you sure you don't have Covid?" she mocks, and I smile despite myself.

"Yeah, it's like a virus in my brain, and it's taken control. And for the life of me, if there's an antivirus, I don't want it," I say, locking eyes with her, but she looks away as if she's not the one I see.

"Why won't you let me love you? Why won't you allow yourself to receive love? Don't you know how much you deserve to be loved?" I ask, gently controlling her face so she looks at me, but she lowers her gaze, and my eyes drop to her lips. I look away quickly, trying to ignore the pull.

"I'm drawn to you," I admit, my voice quiet but intense.

"Don't be," she snaps.

I furrow my brow, confused. "What?"

"I said, don't be," she repeats, her voice firm.

"Why?" I ask, desperate for an explanation.

"I'll hurt you, Jide. I don't think I have any love to give, so, I can't give what I don't have. The only thing I know I have is pain, and can't give you that, I won't. My hurt can't handle love. It's strange to me, and I don't want it. Everyone who woke it broke it. It's only a matter of time. All I know how to give is my body." She shrugs, and my heart aches for her.

"How can you talk like this? You know that you are much more than that, I don't like it when you view yourself as nothing more than a sex tool, it offends me seriously" 

"Look, I love how you see me, I value it so much so that I do not want to taint it or you, if I have anything to give, it's my body, I honestly do not know how love works, just lust" she says

"Then, allow me show you, please" I plead, sounding desperate. Would you blame me? "I want you, Lois, all of you. Every broken part, every fixed part—I want it all."

"There is nothing I want to see, Jide. I have seen it all. I'm sorry, but you're knocking on the wrong door. Excuse me," she turns to walk away.

I hold her in place so she won't leave. "You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to make me fall for you and then just leave me hanging," I sound desperate, fuck!

"Then stop falling! I warned you not to, but you didn't listen. I'm not the kind of girl you fall in love with. You'll only end up hurting yourself and me in the process, you know that"

"I won't hurt you"

"You don't know that"

"I can promise that, and you know that I always keep my promise"

"It doesn't change anything. Please, I need to go, I've got a job I need to get to" she puts me off

That's true, she has made complaints of needing money for something important. I sigh - I have offered to help her with it but she always refuses, just like that an idea pops into my head 

"How about we make a deal? I'll give you three times the amount you need. All you have to do is let me love you—all of you—for a month. And if you still don't feel the same afterward, I'll stop chasing you," 

I plead, desperate. I don't know what I'm thinking, but if this works, I'll do anything.

"Why would I do that?" she asks, head tilted, face scrunched looking at me.

"I have no idea why you'd accept this deal, but if you do, I'd be honoured," I say, truthfully.

"What do you want Jide? Sex? Because I don't understand why you would make such a deal" 

"Not everyone wants sex from you Lois, why can't you understand that fact? I don't want sex from you, that is not the foundation of my feeling," I say feeling frustrated.

"Fine. One month, and then you leave me alone," she says, and I nod, relieved. Then, she pulls me close "Do we skip to the kissing part now?" She asks so directly and full of 

"Lois, as much as I'd love to, we've got time. Besides, the deal starts tomorrow. I don't want to rush anything. I want to take my time with you, like I've got all the time in the world," I say, taking her hand in mine and kissing the back of it.

"I know you're hungry. I've found a new spot," I add, wanting to make her feel comfortable, yet still trying to get closer to her.