You're Not My Mother

The day was like any other day for Ferb when he got home from his latest adventure with Phineas and the gang. He was hugged by his father, kissed by his mum, and nuzzled by Perry as he made his way into the dining room. Sitting at the table, he looked around at the lovely dinner that Linda had prepared. He loved her cooking. It was the best he'd ever had. Yes, Gran and Gramps made excellent food, but it was British food. In Ferb's mind, British food was dangerous, and American food was safe. He preferred Linda's cooking.
"So, what did you boys do today?" Lawrence asked, cutting into the pork and passing around pieces.
"We fought Viking warriors!" Phineas said. "I think I will take that fencing class at school next year, Mom. I need some coordination!"
"Well, I'm glad you've made up your mind," she said, smiling indulgently at her son.
"Did you know that Vikings had tattoos?" Ferb asked quietly.
"Really? What kind?" Linda asked.
Ferb shrugged and didn't say anything else. Linda wilted a little.
"Ah, well, how was your day, Linda, dear?" Lawrence asked into the silence.
"I had a wonderful day. I got all the shopping done for Ferb's birthday party."
Ferb's lips tightened and he began to carefully cut his pork into exact pieces. Phineas noticed. He always noticed. But more importantly, he knew what Ferb meant.
"Mom, I don't think Ferb wants to celebrate his birthday with a huge party," Phineas said. "He's not me. I think a nice, family-and-friends party would be fine."
"Oh, but this is your thirteenth birthday, Ferb. Surely you want to have a bigger party this year?"
Ferb wanted to shake his head. He wanted to tell Linda that he liked small parties, that he didn't want to be fussed over, that he just wanted to be close to those he loved instead of strangers. But the words wouldn't come. They rarely did with Linda anyway. Words made Mother angry. Even though Linda wasn't Mother—she was Mum, a completely different person, Ferb reminded himself regularly—she still took her place in the family structure. There was still a fear, a nervousness to speak in front of her that wouldn't go away. So as she waited for an answer, he shrugged one shoulder and cut another perfect square. He could sense her disappointment, and it hurt him. But what could he do?
"Mom!" Candace called as she came in. "Phineas and Ferb left their Viking axes all over the porch!"
Linda rolled her eyes and Lawrence smiled slightly. "You boys clean those up after dinner, yes?"
"Okay, Dad," Phineas said. Ferb only nodded as he finally began to eat.
The rest of dinner was filled with Candace's latest tale of her day with Stacy at work. Ferb ate and listened, absorbing the information like a sponge as she talked. When dinner was over, Ferb stood and began to gather the plates. It was his turn to do the dishes, but he didn't mind. Linda came in and began wrapping up leftovers. Ferb scrubbed at the dishes, his movements slow and methodical.
"Do you really not want a big party, Ferb?" Linda finally asked.
'Mother doesn't like words,' the scared little boy whispered.
'She's Mum, not Mother,' Ferb argued.
"Ferb?"
Ferb continued to scrub, his body stiff.
"Please Ferb, answer me."
'Speak!' Ferb commanded himself. 'Come on! Just tell her.'
Ferb saw Linda approach out of the corner of his eye and he ignored her. Until he saw her reaching for him, that is. A zap of adrenaline filled his body as his mind flashed back to a different time, a different place, a different woman. His entire body jerked away, and he let out a gasp. The plate he was scrubbing fell out of his hand and shattered on the floor.
'Mother will be angry now,' the little boy said.
Ferb was so angry by the voice, by the flashback, by his weakness, that he spoke firmly to the voice, as he so often did. The only difference was that it actually came out of his mouth this time.
"No! Linda is not my mother! So just stop!"
There was silence, and Ferb suddenly realized that he'd spoken aloud. He looked up quickly at Linda to see a heartbroken expression on her face. He winced, horrified by the misunderstanding. He wanted to explain to her that it wasn't a bad thing to not be Mother. He needed to explain.
'So explain. Explain! Just open your mouth and explain!'
But words wouldn't come, so Ferb lowered his head and knelt down to pick up the pieces of broken plate. Without a word, Linda left, and Ferb turned back to the dishes, tears welling in his eyes. He finished without another incident then slowly walked to the room he shared with Phineas.
Phineas was practicing thrusts and parries, and he did a neat twirl before nearly falling over. Phineas was so awkward these days, his body growing faster than he could keep up with, and he was often falling and knocking things over. Ferb still loved him dearly, even if he did have to put away his more breakable items. Ferb knew the clumsiness would pass, but Phineas would still be Phineas.
"Hey. What's wrong?" Phineas asked, catching Ferb's sad expression.
Ferb shrugged and walked to his desk, pulling out a fresh sheet of paper. Phineas went back to his pretend sword fight. Ferb drew a comic strip of some of his characters. A little green bear, and a big red bear. He filled in the colors and then he wrote out the speech bubbles. Then he sat back. Phineas approached at once, reaching out for the paper. He looked at it in silence.
"Do you want me to explain?" Phineas asked after a pause.
"I want to."
The words came with Phineas. They usually did nowadays. He even spoke more around their friends. He just had trouble with Linda.
"But?"
"I can't."
Phineas looked down at the comic strip. "You might not be able to say it out loud, Ferb, but you do share your words in other ways. Maybe show her one of these."
Ferb pressed his lips together and shrugged. Phineas smiled and set the paper back on the desk. "Come on. We've got plans to draw up. Tomorrow is going to be even better."
That night, after Phineas was asleep, Ferb couldn't get his advice out of his mind. He could show her his comics. But would she understand? He rolled out of bed and padded on soft feet to his desk. Pulling open a drawer, he stood and scanned the files. Could he do it? He wanted her to understand so badly. Finally, he reached into the back and grabbed a folder. He sat down and grabbed a clean piece of paper.
To Mum,
This is why.
Love, Ferb
Ferb taped the note to the folder then slipped out of his room and down the stairs. He set the folder beside the coffee maker and smoothed it out. Then, before he could lose courage, he turned and hurried back to his room. Now all he had to do was wait. He was grateful when Perry hopped up onto his bed and snuggled him, letting out a soft, contented churr. Turning over, he fell asleep.
Linda woke up at five, just like she usually did. She pulled on her robe and headed downstairs into the kitchen. As she reached over to grab a mug for coffee, she saw the folder. Curious, she walked over, thinking that Lawrence had left out something from his antique business. But when she saw the note, she froze. Ferb's words had cut her so deeply the night before. Even after all these years, he didn't consider her his mother? 'This is why,' the note said. Did she really want to find out?
After getting her coffee, Linda sat down at the table and opened the folder. She was surprised to see a fully colored comic book. Ferb had made this? The art was impressive. Then she saw the title.
'Nightmare' by Ferb Flynn-Fletcher. Based on a true story.
There was a little green bear on the cover, curled up on the stairs, a line of light splashed across his eyes as he peered out through a railing. Her brows came together as she opened the book and saw the bear coloring. Another bear was there, a big fuzzy brown bear who watched over the little bear.
'It was a nice evening, and Green was drawing. He wanted to surprise his father with a nice picture, so he worked very hard at it, making sure to color inside the lines.'
She turned the page to see another panel. There was obviously somebody at the door, and it appeared to be shaking. Both bears were turned toward the door, and the brown bear stood up.
Then the evening was ruined as she came home drunk again.
Brown bear had a speech bubble: Green, go to your room.
There was not a speech bubble, but a thought bubble over Green's head. 'Mother is angry. If I'm good, she won't hit me again.'
Linda's blood ran cold as she stared at the page 'Hit me?' she thought. She ran her fingers over the little green bear then the large brown one. 'Ferb and Lawrence?' Curious and anxious, she turned the page. The door had been slammed open, and a yellow bear stood there. The green bear fled up the stairs and crouched on the stairwell, peering through the railing. It was the same as the cover. Another thought bubble: 'Please, God, let her just want to go to bed. Please. Then everything will be okay.'
She turned the page and saw the scene from the angle of the little green bear. Brown stood there, holding his paws up.
Brown: Come on, Yellow. You've had too much to drink. You need sleep.
Yellow, looking angry with squiggly letters: You don't get to tell me what to do, Brown.
Another turn. Brown looked angry now, too. Angry and tired. He stared at Yellow.
Brown: I told you you need to stop. It's not good for us, for Green. You need to get help. We can't keep doing this, Yellow.
Yellow stared at him through narrowed eyes: I don't need to stop! I don't have to! Go %#*& yourself and get out of my way!"
The next page. Brown stood very still as Yellow passed him and staggered toward the kitchen. Then Brown's fist clenched, and he turned to grab Yellow's wrist.
Brown, staring intently at Yellow: No. Not this time. You will get help, or Green and I will leave.
Yellow's eyes were wide S they stared at each other. A thought bubble from Green as he gazed at them: 'Please listen, Mother. Please. You'll be so much happier and we can have fun again.'
Another page. Yellow snatched her hand back from Brown, fire in her eyes: You can't do that, Brown!
Brown stared at her, his arms crossed: Why not? You're hurting us. You're hurting Green. He barely talks anymore, Yellow.
Another cutaway to Green without a thought bubble. But his little paw clutched at the wooden railing as he gazed at his parents.
The next page, yellow looked even more angry as she rolled her eyes: Children should be seen and not heard, Brown. I'm just making sure our boy grows up right.
Brown stared at her for a panel, his brow furrowed: What do you mean?
Yellow shrugged as she went to the fridge: I just make sure he listens. He behaves much better now that he actually shuts up.
Another page. Brown's eyes were wide, and his mouth was open in shock: I beg your pardon?
Yellow pulled out a beer and opened the top on the counter. She turned and swigged from the bottle, staring at brown dispassionately: Pardon granted.
Next page. Brown looked upset, and he walked over to Yellow, standing in front of her. He took the beer and set it aside. Yellow looked angry: What do you think you're doing?
Brown caught her wrists in his big paws and leaned down: I will ask this once. What have you been doing to my son?
Yellow suddenly looked unsure and she didn't speak. Instead, she tugged away and went back over to the beer. Brown snatched it, storming over and tossing it in the trash.
Yellow: Hey!
Brown, his eyes crackling: What. Are you doing. To my son?
Linda's heart was beating fast. She knew what this was now, and it scared her. It was Ferb's memory of the night that his mother and father had 'agreed upon a divorce,' as Lawrence put it. Linda knew very little about Emily, Lawrence's first wife and Ferb's biological mother. Neither of them talked about her or the events that led up to them separating and moving to America. Gran and Gramps never talked about her either, and Linda had quickly learned to not ask. She'd known that something had happened, but she'd never suspected something like this. She turned the page, her stomach in knots.
Yellow no longer looked unsure. She looked mad, and she stood up straight.
Yellow: You're too soft, Brown. The boy needs a firm hand.
Brown stood still: Do you hit him?
Yellow, dismissively: So what if I do? He needs to learn his manners.
There was a panel dedicated to them staring at each other, the tension palpable. Linda swallowed as she turned the page. Brown stepped forward and grabbed Yellow's wrist, jerking her along behind him.
Yellow fought back: Hey, what are you doing? Let me go!
Brown, pushing her to the door: Get out of my house.
Yellow spun around: This is my house, too!
Brown didn't move: No, actually. You use all your money on booze. I pay all the bills. My house. Now get out. You won't be welcome back until you get help. Goodbye.
Brown turned his back on Yellow, and there was a cutaway of Green looking relieved. A thought bubble was over his head: 'Good. It's all over now.'
Linda turned the page and was startled to see a jagged red lightning bolt covering both pages, and there was a speech bubble that was nothing but a scream. Frantically, she turned the page again and saw stuffing pouring out of Brown's shoulder and littered all over the floor. Yellow had grabbed the vase from the table beside the door and had hit Brown with it. It had shattered, tearing into Brown's flesh. Brown grasped his shoulder, looking shocked. Green gazed in horror with an open mouth as Yellow shrieked and pushed Brown over then began to kick him over and over.
Yellow, tears streaming down her face: You don't control me! You won't kick me out of my own house! You won't, won't, won't!
Green stood up and ran down the stairs, and finally there was a speech bubble: No. Mother! Stop! Please stop! Please, I don't like this!
Yellow turned and there was another streak of red lightning over the page. The next panel showed Green clutching his face and gazing at Yellow in shock.
Yellow: Don't you dare talk back to me!
Then another lightning bolt and Green was on the floor, grasping his face where knots of stuffing peeked through.
Yellow: Don't talk at all!
He looked up, frightened, and there was another lightning bolt.
Yellow: I don't want to hear another word out of your mouth!
Another bolt.
Yellow: Ever!
And another.
Then there was a roar of rage from another panel, and Brown heaved Yellow up and carried her to the door. Though she fought, Brown shoved her out the door and slammed it. Brown then turned and staggered to Green.
Brown: Are you okay, Green?
Green, battered and bruised with stuffing pouring out of several wounds, looked up at Brown and said nothing. But a thought bubble appeared. The writing was different this time, shaky and scribbled like a child's writing. 'Mother wouldn't like it if you spoke.'
Brown reached forward: Green? Are you okay?
Green: 'Children should be seen and not heard.'
Brown: I'll call Gran. Then we'll go to hospital. I think we both need looked at.
Green didn't respond other than a nod, and Brown hurried for the phone. The green bear stared at the stuffing littered all over the floor and said nothing. He lowered his head as tears slipped out and a final thought bubble over his haunted face: 'I hate my mother.'
Linda sat back when she realized she'd reached the end. Her coffee was lukewarm, but she didn't care. Never before had she even thought that this could have happened to her husband and son. Lawrence had always sounded so nonchalant about his ex-wife. He never spoke ill of her, and from the way he spoke about their breakup, it had been amicable. Then again, Lawrence was undeniably British. He could make anything sound reasonable, even if it wasn't.
"Linda?"
Linda turned to see Lawrence there in his robe. He peered at her in concern. "My dear, you look as if you've seen a ghost. What are you reading?"
Linda looked down and shut the comic then got up and went over to embrace her husband. Lawrence was bewildered but held her tightly. "There there, dear. It's all right."
Linda kissed him then pulled back and slipped her hand into the neck of his robe and brushed her fingers over the jagged scar there. He'd always said it was an incident that he didn't want to remember. She knew why now.
"Emily did this," she said softly.
Lawrence immediately grew flustered and pulled away. "What makes you say that?" he asked, suppressed panic in his tone. He went to get coffee and Linda picked up the book.
"Did you know Ferb draws comics?"
Lawrence relaxed at what he perceived to be a change of subject. "Oh, yes. I see him drawing on occasion. Why?"
"He showed me one."
"Oh?" He turned and saw the comic in her hands. "Let's see it then."
"Sit down, Lawrence."
Lawrence obeyed, plopping into a chair with a cheeky grin on his face. "Anything else to please the madam?" he teased.
Linda didn't smile as she handed over the comic. Lawrence winked at her anyway then looked down at the cover. The smile dropped off his face and he set aside his coffee, his brows furrowing. He quickly opened the book and began to read. His breathing quickened as he turned the pages, faster and faster. His cheeks grew flushed as he saw the past unfolding before him in the pages of a comic his son had drawn. At the end, he froze, his bottom lip trembling. He slowly set aside the comic, looking pale and upset.
"Good God in Heaven, he remembers it this clearly?" he rasped, then he covered his face and began to weep. Linda quickly pulled a chair over beside him and wrapped her arm around her husband. She tugged him against her and held him as he broke down.
"I... I didn't want you to know," Lawrence sobbed.
"I understand why," Linda said. She brushed her fingers over his scar again, and he flinched. "But this doesn't change anything between us."
Lawrence was grateful, and he pulled her into a watery kiss. She reached up and wiped at the tears. "We can talk about it later."
"What's going on?"
Lawrence and Linda turned to see Phineas standing there, peering between them. He sounded worried as he looked at his tearful father and worried mother. His eyes fell on the comic book and he brightened.
"Oh good! He decided to show you! Which one is it?"
Linda and Lawrence glanced at each other. "There's more?" Lawrence asked.
"Yeah." Phineas walked over and picked up the comic. Surprise flitted across his face. "He picked this one? Wow."
"You've read it before?" Lawrence asked.
"Oh, I've read all of them," Phineas said dismissively. "At least the finished ones. He's working on several others." He set aside the comic and went to pour himself some cereal. "Hey, can I have some coffee?"
"Have you magically aged two years?" Linda asked pointedly.
Phineas laughed good-naturedly. "Eh, worth a shot." He hesitated then pulled out a sheet of paper. "I was going to explain why this happened last night, Mom. But I think you get it now."
Linda took the page and saw Green and a red bear. It was the scene from the night before. Green was washing dishes and Red was talking to him.
Red spoke: What kind of party do you want?
Green had a thought bubble over his head: 'Just tell her you don't want a big party.'
But there was also another thought bubble with the squiggling child's writing in it: 'Children are to be seen and not heard.'
Another panel.
Red: Green? Talk to me, please?
Red stepped forward and reached out to him. There was a bright flash of lightning and Yellow appeared in Red's place. Green jerked back and broke the plate by dropping it. Green stared at it, his eyes wide. Another thought bubble with squiggles.
'Mother will be angry now. You're a bad boy.'
Green looked upset and spoke aloud. "Red is not my mother! And she never will be!"
Lawrence had read this over Linda's shoulder, and he pinched his nose. "Did he really say that?"
"Yes."
"It doesn't mean what you think."
"I know what it means, Lawrence," Linda said gently.
"Morning, Ferb," Phineas said casually. Lawrence and Linda turned to see Ferb hovering in the doorway. He looked uneasy, almost like he wasn't sure if he was welcome. There was a pause then Linda walked over and placed her hands on his shoulders.
"Thank you for sharing. I had no idea."
Ferb stared at Linda then leaned over and hugged her. "You'll never be my mother," he said quietly. "But you are my mum. I hope that's okay."
"Of course. Now who do you want at your birthday party? We could invite your cousins if you'd like. And your grandparents. I'm sure they'd love to visit."
Ferb thought about that then nodded.
"What about Baljeet, Buford, and Isabella?"
Ferb nodded again.
"Anybody else?"
Ferb nodded.
"Who?"
Ferb's brow furrowed. "You and Father, of course."
His eyes went wide and his hand jumped up to his mouth. He was startled how easily the words came. Linda's face broke into a wide smile.
"Of course we'll be there. Anybody else?"
Ferb shook his head.
"Then we'll get the invitations ready."
"I'll call Mum and Dad," Lawrence said. "And Adrian."
"I'll get Grandma and Grandpa!" Phineas exclaimed.
"What's going on?" Candace asked as she walked into the kitchen.
"We're planning Ferb's birthday party," Phineas said.
"Who's coming?"
Phineas rattled off the names and Candace frowned. "What about Jeremy and Stacy?"
"That's up to Ferb," Linda said.
Candace turned to Ferb. "Can they come, too?"
Ferb nodded at once. He didn't mind Jeremy and Stacy. They were nice, and it would give Candace somebody her own age to talk to. Candace brightened.
"You're the best, Ferb."
Ferb gave a thumbs up. Linda set a bowl of cereal in front of Ferb, and he looked up.
'Just say the words. You can do it,' he thought. 'Come on, you can do it. Mum likes it when I talk.'
"I love you, Mum," Ferb said earnestly, peering up at her. "Truly I do."
"I love you, too, Ferb," Linda said, kissing his forehead.
Ferb smiled and lowered his eyes to his cereal. He couldn't wait to draw this scene. He knew it would be one of his favorites.