Love Hurts

Eighteen

Camilla,

             "It has been more than an hour since she came out of surgery. Why aren't they allowing me to see her?" I shout at Olivia.
             "Camilla, my dear, you need to relax. You, of all people, understand how this procedure works."
             "Yes, Olivia, I understand how it works, and if I haven't been able to see her yet, it means something is seriously wrong. Now go and find that doctor..."
              I barely had time to finish speaking before Doctor Thomason walked through the door. He asked if Kim's family was here yet, but I told him they hadn't arrived. I could tell by the way Doctor Thomason dropped his head that something was wrong. I tried to hold back my emotions as I asked him what was going on. He swallowed hard before delivering the devastating news - Kim had been shot in the back of the head and in her lungs. Despite our efforts to stop the bleeding, it was too severe. She was brain dead and her lungs had collapsed. I couldn't believe it. Kim was too young, she had so much ahead of her. The doctor told me that when her parents arrived, they needed to discuss the difficult decision of pulling the plug.
             The rest of the conversation passed by quickly. Before I knew it, Hoss was holding me tightly in his arms and placing me in a chair, with me sitting on his lap. How can I continue living without her? It has always been the Kim and Camilla show.
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            It has been approximately a week since my best friend passed away, and I have isolated myself from everyone. The hospital granted me a few weeks off, but I have no desire to engage with anyone. When Hoss sends me a text, I just send a short responses.
          Hoss: Baby, you can't shut me out. If you don't respond to my text, I will come over to your house. I understand that you need space, but I need to know that you're okay.
        Me: I'm fine.
       It comes as no surprise when I receive a text from Olivia next.
      Olivia: Damn it, Camilla, don't make me come over there. I know you're hurting, but let us help you, sister.
      Why do people from the South always have to be so incredibly kind? I've had enough of this constant Southern hospitality.
      Me: I already told Hoss, and I'll tell you the same thing. I'm fine.
      I hate lying to my friends. I want to sleep to escape the nightmare, but I end up yelling because of another nightmare about Alan shooting Kim. He blamed me for not going back with him the first time he took me out of my house, saying it could have prevented everything. Why didn't I just go with him? Kim would still be here. But no, I had to escape and make sure Hoss was okay. I'm not blaming Hoss, but he's a police officer. He can protect himself, and he has his fellow officers. Kim only had me. I couldn't save her.
     I go downstairs to get some water and almost scream when I see someone in my living room. My first thought is how did he survive the gunshot to the chest? Then I realize it's Hoss standing there.
    "How did you get in here?" I ask once I've calmed my breathing.
    "My key," he says simply.
    He approaches me, and I realize that if he touches me now, I will lose control. I don't want him to witness that again. I raise my hands to halt his advance. "Please, Hoss, just go. I need to be alone right now." But he refuses to listen. I'm frustrated that he has consistently forced his way into my life throughout our relationship. I'm tired of it. "Go," I repeat. "I don't want you here." I yell at him, but he shakes his head and moves even closer. "I'm a cop, remember? I'm not easily scared off." He's right, he's not easily scared off, but he also knows he can't just enter someone's property without permission. So, I do the next best thing. I rush up the stairs and lock myself in my bedroom. I know it's childish, but I can't find happiness when I'm the reason Kim is dead. "Camilla, baby, please talk to me," Hoss pleads, his head close to the door. "You don't have to open the door if you don't want to, but just talk to me. Let me be here for you."
      After thirty minutes of silence, Hoss forcefully slams his fist against the door, startling me. "Fine, you stubborn brat," he says angrily. "I'm leaving, but know that I won't stop coming over here to your house every day, just like I did when we first met. I will get my Camilla back one way or another."
     His words fill me with tears, so I make a decision. I need to clear my head, so I tell Hoss that I'm going to stay with my parents for the next few weeks. I hope that being away from him and the reminders of everything that has happened will help me find some peace.
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    As soon as I step foot on my parents' porch, my mom opens the door and envelops me in a warm embrace. "Oh, baby, let me look at you," she says, her eyes filled with concern. "It's been so long since I've seen your beautiful face. I'm so sorry about your dear friend Kim. Are you okay, sugar?"
    I take a deep breath and reply, "Yeah, momma, I'm okay. I just really needed a place to come to and breathe without all the reminders of everything that has happened in the last couple of weeks."
    "I understand, and I'm glad that you can visit. Your brother and sister are also happy about it. We have planned a family dinner. I hope you're okay with that."
   "Yes, that will be fine, mom."
   I enter my parents' small farmhouse and am reminded of how beautiful it is.
   It still surprises me that my mother is a judge.
   I appreciate how down-to-earth my parents have remained, despite their financial success.
   I give my mom a tight hug when I walks in.
  "Oh, sugar, let it all out," she says.
   "Mom, what have I done? Why didn't I just go back to him? If I had, she would still be alive. How could I have been so selfish?"
   "Baby, look at me," Momma says, pulling my head up to meet her gaze. "Now listen to me, Camilla Grace Mason. This is not your fault. Alan was a sick person, and he was going to harm someone. It could have been Kim or you, but it was going to be one of you. I'm afraid that if your boyfriend hadn't arrived when he did, Alan would have killed you too, and then himself."
    "Why couldn't he have just taken his own life, Momma? Why did he have to take hers? She had a whole life ahead of her. I can't stop blaming myself for this."
     "It's not your fault," I hear my dad's deep voice say. And I can't help but break down even more.
     "Oh, baby girl, come here," my dad says, wrapping his arms around me.
    I missed them so much. I just sat there in my dad's arms for what felt like an eternity. Until my brother and sister walked in through the door.
    My older brother, John, bears a striking resemblance to our father when he was younger. He has a handsome face, short jet-black hair, and captivating green eyes. It's hard to believe that he hasn't found someone to settle down with yet.
    One day, John greeted me with a warm hug and then passed me over to our little sister, Abigale. Tears welled up in her eyes as she embraced me tightly. I whispered to her, urging her not to cry.
    "It's not going to happen," Abigale said, her voice choked with emotion. "I just missed you so much."
    "I missed you too," I replied, realizing just how much I had longed for this moment. "And God, I didn't realize it until now."
    To distract ourselves from the overwhelming emotions, we decided to cook supper together, just like we used to with our mother. It seemed like a good plan to take our minds off everything, at least for a little while.
    As we were cutting potatoes, Abigale turned to me and asked, "So, tell me about this wonderful man in your life."
    I don't want to discuss Hoss while I'm here because it only leads to more questions. My mom can see the panic in my eyes and suggests that we don't talk about it tonight. She wants to give me a day to breathe. My sister agrees with her and asks me if I'm okay. I smile to reassure her.
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    It has been a week since I arrived at my parents' house. Hoss has been texting me throughout the week, making sure I'm okay. I told him that I'm with my parents, trying to clear my head, and that I will call him when I'm ready to talk. There have been so many times when I've wanted to call him before going to bed, but I know it won't help either of us right now.
    Hoss: I miss your beautiful smile and your laugh. I love you.
    I respond to his message, and the tears start flowing again because I know I love him, but I also know that I can't go back to Florida and risk his life like I did with Kim.
Momma calls me downstairs for breakfast, and I realize how much I've missed her cooking as soon as I taste it again. The smell of bacon and eggs fills the air as I make my way down the stairs.
   "Hey, sweetheart," Daddy says as I enter the kitchen.
   "Hey, Daddy," I reply, giving him a kiss on the top of his head.
   "So, what's on your agenda today?" Momma asks as she sets my plate of food in front of me. I take a seat next to Daddy.
   "Well, it's Saturday, so I think I might see what Abigale is doing today. Maybe we can go shopping and have lunch together," I tell Momma, knowing that it will ease her worries. She thinks I've been cooped up in the house for too long. I don't think my parents understand that clearing my head doesn't mean isolating myself.
   "Okay, honey. Well, Daddy and I are going out with some friends today. We just wanted to make sure you wouldn't be locked up in your room all day like you have been for the past week," Momma says.
   "No, I haven't," I protest. "Despite everything, I still come to eat with you and Dad every night."
    Momma bursts into laughter, a full-blown laugh at my expense.
   Hmm, the mean old woman. We sit in silence as we eat our breakfast. Once I'm done, I go upstairs to take a shower. After getting out of the shower, I quickly text my sister to see what she's up to.
    Me: Hi, just texting to see if you have any plans.
    Abigale: Not so far. Would you like to do something today?
    Momma is so sneaky, she's already gotten to Abigale.
   Me: Yeah, I was just thinking maybe we could go shopping and then have lunch.
   Abigale: For sure! I would love that.
   Abigale: Would you like to meet me somewhere? Or I can come pick you up?
   If I meet her, I can leave whenever I want. But if I ride with her, she'll control my time. What should I do?
   Me: I'll meet you at Macy's.
   Abigale: Right on.
    God, she's such a hippy. I smile to myself.
    "So, it's just the two of us now. Are you going to tell me what's going on with you and Hoss, the hottie?"
    "Abigale!"
    "Don't you dare Abigale me, Camilla. Why won't you talk about him? Why are you running away from him? Talk to me, damn it. I'm your sister. If you can't talk to me, then who?"
   "I can't," I cry.
   "Yes, you can," Abigale says, grabbing my hand. "It's better to talk about this than keep it all in, and you know that better than anyone."
   Tears stream down my face. "What if I get him killed, like I did Kim?" I ask her.
   "Oh, babe, is that what you think about Kim's death? It's not your fault."
   "I don't just think, Abby. I know. Alan told me that all I had to do was go back home with him. When he first found me, Kim would still be alive. But I was selfish and escaped him. I did it so I could find Hoss because I knew something was wrong with him."
    "And there lies the problem. You blame yourself, but you also blame Hoss in some way for Kim's death."
    "No, I don't. I know it's not his fault, but it's still hard not to blame myself."
    "I call bullshit," Abigale says.
     I stuck my tongue out at her because, damn, when did she get so smart? "Fine, okay. I guess I blame both of us, but I don't really know why I blame him now that I think about it. He didn't ask me to go to Georgia on a hunch he was hurt. He sure as hell didn't ask Alan to kidnap Kim and then kill her because I didn't obey him."
     I cry so hard that my entire body is shaking. "What have I done, Abby? She was my best friend, and I let that monster kill her and destroy the one good thing that has happened to me in a long time?"
    "You look at me, Cam," Abby says. "You did not let him do anything. As far as Hoss, all you have to do is pick up the phone, and he will be right here in a heartbeat, and you know it. The question you need to ask yourself is, are you going to let that bastard win even in death? Because that is what he wanted. Were you alone and miserable?"
    "I guess that's why my little sister has a degree in psychology," I reply.
    "Thank you," I say. "Now let's go order some food. I'm starving."
    "Yes, the restaurant owner probably thinks we're crazy, standing at the window crying," Abigale says, making me laugh. "You're probably right," I reply.
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    That night, as I lie in bed, I can't stop thinking about everything Abigale and I discussed. The urge to call Hoss becomes overwhelming. It's late in Florida, so I decide to leave him a voicemail. I don't want to hear his voice tonight and make it even harder for myself to stay away from him.
    I find my phone and gather the courage to call Hoss. After three rings, his husky and sexy voice answers, indicating that he had been asleep. "Oh, um, I didn't mean to wake you up," I stutter out.
    "It's okay, baby. You can wake me up anytime. It's good to hear your voice. Is everything okay?" Hoss responds.
    I choke out a sob and manage to say, "Yes. I didn't realize it would be this hard to hear you and not be able to touch you."
   "Don't cry, baby," Hoss whispers.
   "I miss you," I whisper back.
   His voice carries a joyful tone. I miss you too, but we can find a solution. Just come home or let me come to you for a few days, he suggests.
   The thought of going home and being in his arms again sounds so appealing. But I can't do it just yet. I still have some personal issues to work through, and I can't do that with him so close by.
    Maybe we can see each other next week, I suggest.
    He doesn't push the matter.
   "So, tell me what you've been up to. How has it been being back home and spending time with your family?"
   "It's been nice. My mom fusses over me too much, and if I keep letting her feed me like this, I'll be as big as a house. My dad is doing well, as always. He's quiet but easy to talk to."
   "That's good to hear," Hoss says, yawning.
   I glance at my watch and see that it's midnight, which means it's one o'clock in Florida. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Hoss. I didn't even check the time before calling. You can go back to sleep now. I know you have work tomorrow."
   "It's okay, Cam. It's nice to hear your voice. I've missed it. I almost forgot how sexy it is."
   "Come on, it hasn't been that long."
   "Long enough, baby."
  God, I miss him calling me baby and his touch. That mouth all over my body.
  Calm down, girl, calm down. These hormones aren't helping anything right now.
  "Goodnight, Rena."
  "Goodnight, my beautiful Camilla."

                              Authors Note: Hello Lovely's I hope you are enjoying the book so far. Don't forget you can leave a comment at the bottom letting me what you think of the book so far, and if you are loving it hit the star at the bottom and vote for this book.
Much Love guys! ✌️

@Crystal Steadman