Group chat/ venting and safe space. :))))))

Life 🙃

woooOoOOoOOoOoOllOllOlOOoOOOoo HERES HOW LIFES GOING FOR ME RIGHT NOW 😀 

IF U KNOW ME IRL DONOT READ PLS 

THANK U :) 

GOOD STUFF

My friends  present arrived just now but its at the post office 

I've got lots of candy 

ITS ALMOST CHRISTMAS BREAK AND NO MORE SCHOOL 

I think I've made some new friends that I can Also talk to 

CONFUSION STUFF: 

am I trans or am I just lying and Im nonbinary or a masculine girl :/ 

GeNdEr 

Otherfffrrrrr  (more like vent soooo 😃) 

I usually do so well in science and math, but my brain has just been slowly sliding out of understanding everything and I feel like a disappointment child now because IM supposed to be the good, perfect kid that my parents can rely on to be perfect. 

I feel like Im not allowed to have feelings of sadness, and Im not allowed to make decisions for myself because Im "too young" 

I apparently can't have interests or it will be viewed as cringe or just shit in general 

I physically can't cry. No matter how hard I want to I feel like its wrong to and it just makes me want to cry more so that sucks 😀

There's this kid on my bus who says the n word all the time and when I was reading a book called what's the t? He said " oh look a trans book haha she's trans now that books about suicide.  He's also homophobic and says the f slur and sometimes even calls me or someone else I know the f slur. Major transphobe (if u couldn't guess) so yeah

I can't wear clothes I feel comfortable in because someone will be like, "oh that girls emo hahaha" 

I see vents and I think, oh am I that bad a friend am I like that? 

I always worry that if I get something wrong someone's gonna come up to me and call me stupid because I've always been reliable and the "smart one" 

I've recently started hated playing the violin, which I've been doing for a year, and half a year ago I stopped playing piano. My music teacher gives me weird vibes and will sometimes make sexual jokes and make me feel uncomfortable but I font know how to express that. 

The counselor at my school recently talked to me because we had to do this signs of suicide thing and fill out a paper to make sure we are not suicidal, but anyways . she. I Was there she gave me a paper and said do any of these things concern you. And bitch I could've checked off at least twelve of those and added some of my own but y know WHEN TH BRAIN PANIK YOU GO PANIK MODE. So I lied but what ever 🙃 

I told my mom that I can't cry and she just fucking ignored what I said so FUCK U MOTHER. But I feel bad because she's usually nice to me 

I feel like almost everything I say and do will make someone so feel worse, and me being successful is bad because someone else doesn't always get that. It's the same the other way around. I feel like I can't be sad because someone else will always have it worse, or feel worse than me.

I feel like I can't do anything g about my sadness. That kind of good kind of bad because I've sat in the bathroom with a razor and thought about sh-ing but I never did because I thought it was selfish and  I have no reason to and that it would seem like Im just doing it for attention when Im not. I've also THOUGHT about sewersliding but always shook it off as selfish and the same as before. I was also just generally scared of what others would think about it, and I was scared because WI knew I had so much more for me in life that I wanted to experience but it feels like the bad stuff usually outweighs the good things that can happen to me.

Last one for now: 

I feel like I can't talk to my mom especialy because she's a therapist because instead of just being there  for me and listening I always think sjes just going to look at me like I'm crazy and try to make my feelings scientific. I dong need that I just want to know that someone knows and cares about my feelings.

As I just said I couldn't gIveo e less of a shit about anyone reading this or not reading it, j just want to know that Im probably not the only one who has to know this. 😀 

Anyways have a good day/night, take care of yourself <3