Luka & Izzy

One: Six month later

I'm sitting at the table in Katy and Tom's beautiful apartment.

Three days ago, Katy became the mother of a little blonde girl called Nora.

I look at her. 

How she glows.

 Tom is holding her over his shoulder, she couldn't be more in love. 

The way he looks at her. 

The way he touches her. 

It's the little gestures that say a lot, that say a lot about the love between two people.

It's been half a year since he left. I think of Noah; I would have loved it with Katy and Tom. It tugs at my heartstrings how much he loved life, but what to do when he was so caught up in it.

The last six months have been particularly busy for me.

I spent the first two months with Katy and I said I wouldn't, I didn't want to be a nuisance, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't be alone because I would wake up in the night screaming from all the terror.

The panic attacks came and went, and although I went to Tina for advice, I eventually had no choice but to go into temporary therapy.

The hardest part was the funeral, although I remember it vaguely because I cried and cried and cried some more, but I thought I had let all the tears go.

Everyone was there, there was Ben, there was Luka, there was Katy and there was Tom.

There was his grandmother. We hadn't spoken to each other since he died, minimal words really.

To tell you the truth, I avoided them. I couldn't even be in the same room with her because she reminded me too much of Noah.

I took only the bare essentials from the flat and moved in with Katy overnight.

After two months, and with Tina's help, I began to live my life. But I am still fragile. I cry at every emotional moment. The worst are the weekends when I am alone and my mind has too much time to think about everything. I haven't opened his room. It's still locked. And I'm still wearing my engagement ring. Because I feel I'm so close to him. That it's a piece of him left for me.

Now I understand how all our dead relatives feel. Let's say I understand something of it.

"How are you? " Katy greets me. The difficult birth was behind her, according to the text she sent me when we heard each other, but she was radiant. 

She sits down next to me on a chair in the dining room.

"Good. And you? How do you feel now that you're a mum? " I reply.

" Tired and the happiest at the same time. "She says and takes me in her arms.

I'm getting a bit used to Katy holding me all the time.

" Noah would be happy for you, if only you were here with us. "I say when we stop hugging.

" I know. How is in the apartment? How are you? "She asks seriously. 

Katy is one of the most caring, dedicated people you want to have around.

"It will be, you know how it is, there are better days and worse days, I'm in therapy now so my emotions are a bit of a number, but it can't be helped. I'm starting to pull myself together. "I say, looking down at the floor.

 It's as if I'm ashamed that I'm pulling myself together so slowly, that it's not much easier for me.

I fiddle with the ring on my hand.