In the Game of Love

Chapter 5

The London sky might be grey today, but I'm still walking on sunshine. I had forgotten what it all felt like – the butterflies in your stomach recalling each little interaction, smiling to yourself thinking about that person, the jittery feeling of waiting to hear from them – these first stages of a flirtationship. I think I can call it that, this thing between Sonny and me. Something more than a friendship but not quite a romantic relationship. I blush like a teenager walking out of the King's Cross station, back on my usual morning commute after returning from France last night.

It's just been so long since I've done any of this. Dating and romance, I mean. Not even a one-night stand or a casual fling – that's just not my thing. Making my way through Granary Square on autopilot mode, my mind is free to wander. I count back to the last time I went on a date, and it was exactly eleven months ago, when Steph literally forced me to download Hinge and create a profile. Suffice to say the date had not gone well. The guy straight up lied on his profile and was drunk out of his mind by the time I arrived at the bar, and I just can't deal with that kind of bullshit.

Online dating aside, there have been a few crushes on guys at work. Which makes sense because work is where I spend the majority of my time. I don't know whether any of those guys would have liked me back or not, had I made my feelings known. Because I never did – it just never felt like worth the hassle put myself out there like that and to risk an awkward situation at the office.

There were other men who have liked me, and made it known in subtle or not-so-subtle ways, but, for whatever reason, I just never felt the same way. They were perfectly decent, some quite nice looking and smart as well, but the spark was missing. Maybe there is something wrong with me biologically that makes me very picky, that I would rather not date anyone at all than give someone a chance to change my mind.

There has to be a very specific but unknown set of criteria that makes me fall for a guy. And it takes extraordinary luck for the stars to align in such a way that those very few guys who happen to fit that set of criteria, also find me attractive enough to pursue.

Sonny definitely fits the bill, I think blushingly, not that I had known that till two days ago. All those years of watching him play football, I admired him as a public persona – his dedication to the sport, his work ethic, and the fact how nice he is. There is a Spurs fan video of a toddler who was waving at the team excitedly. All the other players just walk by ignoring her, Sonny alone says hi back. You can't watch it without smiling. But that made me think he was a great guy, not romantically fantasize about him. I know some people do think about celebrities like that, and that's fine, but to me they just feel so far removed from my reality that I can't see them that way.

When I met him in person though, it's like a switch flipped. His woody vanilla scent, his confident walk, his easy smiles, the way he looks at you making you feel seen, the way he talks to you making you feel heard, as briefly as we have known each other, the attraction was almost instant. And strong. And somehow by some miracle of God, he seems to be at least a little interested in me as well. While I don't know where it will go, or whether it will even progress beyond this point, it still feels nice. For now.

A soft breeze blows hair in front of my eyes, as I walk through the small pathway by Regent's Canal. This is my favorite part of the commute, the calm waters lined by trees on both sides always makes me feel at peace. Peace, it's such a precious thing to have in your life. I would know because I didn't have it for a long time.

Last time the 'stars aligned' for me romantically was back in college. With John. I always teased him about having such a generic name, but he was anything but a generic person. One of the smartest people I know but he was never arrogant about it. We shared the same taste in books and movies and could debate on them for hours. And most important of all, he was genuinely kind – a good person. But that same kindness made him move back home to help his aging parents a few of years after graduation, abandoning his shiny New York City career, and settling for suburban life. I had never wanted to move away from the city, it's just not something I had ever remotely considered. I can't even drive for crying out loud. But I still wanted to move with him. We talked it out and decided to wait for a year, so he has time to set everything up before I join. He broke up with me after just two months into that planned year of long distance. He said he can't see a future where I would fit in his life, and I just couldn't be his first priority at that point.