It was probably a cold winter's night, I don't know, I'm going into this without a plan because I thought "hey this would be funny lmfao".
"Damn I wanna like, do a scheme of some sorts because I'm knock off batman or something emo like that" Diluc thought to himself as he read Diona's daily death threat. "Haha" Diluc laughed as he read the silly furry child's attempt at being scary, though nothing scared him like his childhood tortoise that he spoke about once in the Mondstadt story quest.
Red man stood up and walked upstairs towards his room, upon entering his room, Diluc's jaw dropped. Stood upon his bed was that previously mentioned tortoises ghost. "Yo sé, Billy la bufanda es una bufanda" It spoke. Diluc shitted himself a lil' bit.
The rest of what the tortoise said will be translated to a speakable language unlike the made up Spanich one it was in previous.
"Diluc, emo bitch, red red head, listen, you gotta listen"
"Woah! You're my childhood tortoise- wait why do you sound like Rick Sanchez from Rick and Morty??"
"Uhm... I turned into a turtle? It was the funniest shit you've ever seen?"
"Omg ur tots right" Diluc laughed a little bit harder than he probably should have. I mean like, it wasn't really that much of a knee slapper, it was just a stolen joke from an [Adult Swim] show.
"K shut the fuck up, I gotta tell you something important."
"Mkay, I listening"
"You have to plant drugs in the wine"
And now we cut to the next morning. You might be wondering, "what the fuck did you just type" the answer is very simple
i dunno
ANYWAYS, what happened last night? Well after the ghost of Diluc's childhood pet tortoise told him to felony the wine, he did just that. But only to the bottles heading directly to The Cat's Tail. This was Diluc's way of appeasing the turtle, and getting revenge on Diona. The plan was simple, so simple in fact, that Diluc felt the need to complicate it and make a vision board of his plan.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
His plan? Flawless, his hair? Nerfed...never got fluffed. Now all that he had to do was wait. So while he did so, he watched Zoolander and Zoolander 2 (I'm so mad it's not called toolander). Then the time came. That guy that just sits at the trades place, I think his name is literally Guy? Anyways, he shows up and breaks down the door.
"HEY DEELICK, SOMEONE DRUGGED YOUR SHIT"
Oh no he thought, I have to burn the vision board! So Diluc ran up the stairs very fast and used his vision on the vision board, now it was a true vision board HA. laugh now pleaze. :)
Cut to maybe like 5 minutes later when Barbara had to run into the winery and unburn the house. Diluc looked to his left and saw the fucking turtle.
"Hey, irrelevant Guy that's here because Vic doesn't know anyone else in the city, I'll be right back, k? Don't burn down more of my shit" Diluc ran away over to the turtle ghost "Alright fucker, what else do you want"
"I want your fortune Diluc"
Diluc stood shocked. "You're a fucking dead green thing, what the fuck are you planning on doing with a mass fortune of $0.75??"
The turtle laughed and probably threw it back a lil bit, but he's a tiny green circle, Diluc couldn't fucking tell. "Mwahahahahahaha, look at that Diluc! The font changed! Which means I'm a formidable foe!!"
"Aw shit man, I guess I'm in danger now. JUST KIDDING FUCKASS I CAN DO THAT TOO"
(pretend the fonts changed)
The next scene was too violent , so I'll make a meme to represent it instead.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
that's the whole meme
And now, a censored version of the fight
'YOU [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]"
"KYS READHEADED NO DADDY [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED]"
"YOU'RE SO FUCKING [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED]"
The fight was over, Diluc won, and was having Tortoise ghost for dindin. So bam, all's well ends well, right? Nope, what about all the drugged people that Diluc just kinda left? Simple really, they're still there! Aka, Diluc totally forgot about them until later that night when he was on patrol as batman.
"This batman suit 's spandex is too tight, just like spandex is" Just then, Diluc heard a grunt, so he looked down to watch Kaeya struggle to climb onto the rooftop Diluc had just hopped onto no problem. So what did Diluc do? Right when Kaeya got onto the rooftop, he kicked him off, then ran away. "Haha, fucker"
As he runs off, he trips over a loose tile and falls into the backrooms. Just kidding, that's overused.
We are not in fucking Texas.
When he woke up, Diluc found himself in a strange room, though it was one that seemed very familiar to him, though he's not sure from where. "Where the hell..." As he stands, he looks around. The scent of science and learning entering his nose, and tickling his nose hairs as he breathed.
"Hey, I was just coming in to check on you." A soft voice spoke as one of the many doors opened. A tall brunette walked through with a glass of water and a sandwich on a plate. "This is usually a center of science, but I'll allow eating in here just this once."
Diluc looked at the man. "Holy shit, you're Bill Nye.... the motherfucking science guy!!!" Diluc could feel himself blush as the alpha male pressed the sandwich plate into his hand.
Kay thats the end of that, I'm not writing a fucking bill nye x Diluc fic, the fuck??? This is just my brain shitting in a google doc.
Sike, kiss scene time.
Diluc closed his eyes. "Just... be gentle...please"
Bill Nye pushed back Diluc's hair and leaned close. "Don't worry, I will..." Bill gently placed his lips against Dilucs, then pulled back. "Was that...good?"
Diluc nodded as a slight smile came across his lips.
