Chaos: Deathly Beginnings

Prologue

Letter One

I'm writing this with a heavy heart. I couldn't do it anymore. I know you will forever hold a grudge against me, but so be it. I wish that you could survive your father's wrath without me. I was weak to leave you. I regret my decision. Nevertheless, I am doing well now. Your grandmothers support me financially and emotionally.

I am well aware of my mistakes. The weight I carry on my shoulders is inhumane, just like your father. I regret marrying him every day. He never loved me, and he never loved you. He can't love. He can only obsess.

As your grandmother once said, "Never believe another's lies." Those wise words for wise girls. He may say that he adores you or that you're the most beautiful girl in the world, but he is a liar.

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Letter Two

I am writing this series of letters as a tribute to your memory. Your father hasn't come for me yet. He hasn't even called me.

Before we had you, our life was perfect. He was a caring man, but he changed. He would hurt me in ways different than a simple beating- torture. I imagine he does the same to you. Our love is quite a sad story- agony within each kiss.

I have devoted myself to never trusting another. How could I bring myself to trust? After what I've been through, everyone reminds me of him- even infants.

I remember when you both were babies. Beautiful, yet starved- locked away against my will. I loved you with adoration fueled by misery.

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Letter Three

It's been three months since I left you. I've been attending regular therapy and small groups. Everyone seems to be dismayed at my experiences. None of them relate to me. Your father tortured me ruthlessly.

When you read these letters, do not feel bad for me. Only blame me for my downfalls- for the abandonment.

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Letter Four

As people say, love is complicated- more than you would think. Adoration can blind you. Affection can hurt you. If they lie, go. If they cheat, go. If they strike, go. Second chances are a myth.

Trust is corruption, and love is hell. Dishonesty is manipulation, and manipulation is dishonesty.

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Letter Five

They're saying I'm not at fault, yet I am. They don't understand the gravity of the situation- nobody does. If I just hadn't trusted that man. You wouldn't be here, meaning you wouldn't have to carry this excruciating pain. As much as I love you both, I accepted the truth. It would've been better if you had lived a different life. One where I wasn't your mother, and he wasn't your father.

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Letter Six

The guilt haunts me. My old husband told me of the shooting of my daughter. If I had not left, this never would've happened. It is all my fault. I apologise. I cannot imagine the pain you must be under. The pain my deceased child must've gone through.

The worst burden is that he killed you. I can't do anything about it. A lawyer wouldn't help. He's powerful- different. He's an enigma.

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Letter Seven

I can't deal with the grief. I have nothing to turn to. I hear the simple words again and again. 'It's not your fault,' they say. 'You didn't deserve it.' 'It gets better.'

I don't believe it- I can't believe it. It's hard to understand at such a young age, but in time, you will know what I am talking about- the lies people place on you for a sense of false happiness.

Remember what I have to say. My advice is more than theirs. I can tell you the horrors that you already experienced. Only we know your father. Only we have been through the horrendous abuse from his hands.

'September of 2004,'

'Today marks the date of my pregnancy. On hearing of the gift, my new husband was pleased. He immediately got tipsy due to the joy.

But it was anger like I had never seen before- a drunken rage.

I have bruises covering my body. I cannot fathom what came from my husband's fists.'

***