Jupiter (satosugu)

Chapter One - Rabbit Hole

SATORU'S PERSPECTIVE 

As I laid down on what was formerly our  couch, as I couldn't bring myself to drift off to sleep on what was formerly our  bed, nor could I sit or lay on it, mindlessly scrolling away on my phone. I didn't keep track of the time, but last time I checked it the time was 2:36 am, and it had been a long while since then. I came across a slideshow, and it had this eerie piano sound playing on it that made shivers go down my spine. But I shook them off, and quickly scrolled through the photos. But my finger stopped moving to scroll as soon as I saw a picture of Jupiter, and I was confused. What did this photo have to do with pianos, and who was even interested in astronomy these days? But I still scrolled to the next photo, and the quote on the screen seemed to jump out at me.

Jupiter was supposed to be a star but failed.

Why? Why at this time of night, now 4:56, did I have to be reminded of him once again? He's all that enters my mind each and every day since I found out he left me, left Jujutsu High. Every time I'm assigned a mission, I think of how we used to go on them together. That's partly my fault though, after I killed Toji I never went on a mission with anyone else. When I exorcise a curse, I think of how you used to absorb them for me. When I get back from missions, I think of how we used to walk back to our shared dorm together after we went to the convenience store, with something sweet you bought me. When I enter this dorm, I think of the second bed that used to be in our room. It's so strange, my room is bigger. But when it was ours, it was smaller, and we were closer together. I prefer it that way. I think of how when we watched scary movies on the couch, I would jump onto you and whine about how we should watch a different movie, even though I was the one who wanted to watch the scary one. But even so, you agreed and we turned on another movie that I wanted to watch. I don't understand, Suguru. I don't understand why I'm pulled to you.

But I think it's because you understand me. More than Shoko, or Nanami, or Haibara used to. You understand that I act like this because, well, I don't know how else to act. I grew up without friends nor empathy, and when I met you I thought you were just another minion of a clan, and how I was also above you in everything. Power, money, intelligence. But you were powerful, my equal, but even so you treated me with respect and kindness. People just sucked up to me normally, and when they were more powerful than I or believed to be so, they acted cocky. But you were the epitomy of flow. You flowed like a river, and you didn't care if you were the best at everything or not. When you used to beat me in training, you pointed out what I did well. And even if you lost, you congratulated me on my win with a genuine smile. You make me feel alive. You make me feel loved. You make me feel like I'm not just my jutsu, but a person with feelings and a personality, and I didn't feel like that until I met you. I think when I met you, my soul lit up and my heart beat normally. But why, did it have to turn out this way? With you killing people, and on the other side? I want to cross the river with you, and I would be so glad to, but the person you have molded me into is too weak to do that. You've made me so damn weak, Suguru. Can't you just come home? Please? You're making me crazy. It's my fault though, isn't it? For abandoning you. I had noticed you were different, even though you said it was just summer weight loss. You loved me until I loved myself, but in the end I forgot about you, didn't I? I was so concerned with myself and my jutsu development, that I ended up losing you. The most precious thing I ever had or needed, and I'll need you even after I die. I'll continue sleeping on the shirts you abandoned here, I'll continue using your hair brush, I'll carry a spray tester of the cologne you used to wear, so when I feel like the world is closing in on me, instead of you hugging me and running your fingers in my hair while you comforted me, I'll just have to smell that instead and hope it will calm me down. But nothing will be able to recreate the feelings you made me feel. Only shreds of those big, powerful feelings will be what I'll ever feel again. I hate myself, because now that you're gone I'm starting to feel small, and I hear things. I hear people talking about me, I hear the sounds of people's footsteps and the sound of my own heartbeat pounding into my ears. I've had 4 attacks since you left a week and a half ago, and each time I end up having to have everyone in Jujutsu High trying to calm me down. Suguru, save me please. Save me like how you did when I first met you. Make my soul light up again, make my heart beat normally. Will I ever be able to catch you? A flowing river?

I chuckled softly as my heartbeat stopped rising. I was just talking in my mind to you, as if you were right in front of me. What's wrong with me? Why do I need you so goddamn much?

SUGURU'S PERSPECTIVE

As I lean out on my new balcony, smoking a cigarette in my loose pajama pants with my shirt off, my hair falling over my shoulders softly, I'm thinking of you. I'm thinking of Ieiri, Nanami, Haibara's soul. Everyone I left, but it was necessary. I'm doing this for you, and everyone else Satoru. Well, that's what I like to tell myself when I'm trying to comfort the thought that I can't feel your cool hands against my chest. I woke up in my bed suddenly, drenched in sweat and fear looming over me, but I had no idea why. I'm now pretty sure it's because I couldn't feel your breath against my skin, or your heart beating against me. So when I lie in bed on my own, I have nightmares that you died or someone abducted you in the night while you were sleeping right next to me. Childish, I know, but this is the consequence of my actions. I regret it but at the same time I don't, because if I didn't leave I wouldn't have the girls sleeping inside this apartment. But then again, if I had stayed, I would've been able to feel your hair in my hands, your breath against my neck, your vulnerable voice when you talked to me. Fuck Satoru, you're the one thing making me want to come back. I have so many reasons not to, the girls, the taste of curses, having to slave away to fighting an endless battle, but all of those things seem little compared to you. And it's making me feel selfish. Maybe I am selfish, I don't know. But I'm following my head instead of my heart, because if I had followed my heart I would already be in our dorm, sobbing into your arms. But I can only take a drag from my cigarette and allow one tear to fall down my cheek.

HELLO! I AM NOW CRYING.

LOLL THIS IDEA CAME FROM A TT SO IF U ENJOYED U CAN THANK THEM : @yich.xx

LIKE GODDAMN I THREW MY PHONE ACROSS THE ROOM AND PUT MY HEAD IN MY HANDS WHILE ROCKING BACK AND FORTH AND SOBBING.

(I thought I had gotten over the bl curse tf NOW I HAVE TO GET READY FOR ITAFUSHI DOWNFALL but I'll never be prepared because I haven't watched an episode since gojo was sealed because I don't wanna see Nanami half burnt or MY GIRL KUGISAKI'S EYEBALL POP OUT OF HER HEAD help gege no mercy I'm coming for you)