Dear Harry,
I can't tell you why I'm writing this. In fact, I doubt you'll even get to this letter because I know you get millions of these. Millions of people send you letters every day so every doubt in my mind is telling me you'll never see this. This is really so stupid, I know the last thing you want is to hear from me but for some reason I'm still sitting here filling this empty paper. You know, I've tried to write to you many times but something always stops me. I know I can't apologize for what I did, for what I let them do, but I'm sorry. I don't even know where to start, there are so many words that I need to say to you but now I can't seem to put the sentences together. I guess I should start with I miss you, Haz. Is it alright if I call you that still, or should I stick with just Harry? I don't know.
Anyways, I want you to know I am incredibly sorry for everything that happened. I shouldn't have hurt you, and I know I did. Truly, I never meant to hurt you I was just so confused. It's not an excuse and it can never take back everything I've ruined, all the years I missed but I am sorry. I wasn't ready to be out, with you or anyone. I wanted to be with you in public Harry but I was afraid, I shouldn't have listened to them. I wasn't ready to accept the fact that I was gay. But the truth is Harry, I've realized I'm not gay, I never was. I wasn't interested in men.. It was just you. I only wanted you. And to be completely truthful, I have never looked at another man or women like I looked at you. I wish I could go back and tell myself that, I would tell myself that it's not what a person is- male or female that you fall for, it's who they are. I wish I could go back and stand up for us because I know that's what you wanted Harry. You wanted us to be free, and you waited because I was scared. I loved everything about you; I guess you could say that I still do.
Sometimes I think back to our fight, the fight that cost us everything. I wish I had never started it. I remember the day I told you, those words you never wanted to hear. You were so upset, Harry. I had seen you cry before but never like that, and the worst part was, I was the reason. You were so angry. I remember you came home late from the studio that night, you thought I wasn't home but I was. I hid under the bed in the guest room crying. I heard you storm throughout our flat and gather all of your belongings together. You were taking away all our memories. I heard you crying too. I should have stopped you, Harry. I didn't want to believe that I was wrong, I was the reason you were leaving so I blamed you in every way I could. Before you came home, I took your favorite Jack Wills jumper and I had it with me under the bed, I couldn't let you go without keeping something to remember you by. I curled up with the jumper, drowning in your scent until the tears washed it away. It was so selfish of me to take it but your smell stayed strong on it for a long time, and I needed that, I needed you. I would sleep with it and wear it when I missed you, which was pretty much all the time. Your scent calmed me, it was like I still had you there with me.
It's crazy to think about everything we've been through. I never got to thank you for being gentle with me and willing to be patient and take it slow with me, so thank you. You were always so much stronger than me, Harry. I know now how much courage it took for you to pretend you were okay every day and smile when really you were falling apart and I was the reason. You were willing to put aside your feelings to hold the band together for the boys and for the fans, even if that meant seeing me every day with her. It had to hurt. That's one of the things I've always loved about you, you are so caring. You always put others before yourself. You should have taken care of yourself; I know it hurt you because you couldn't even look at me after our argument. You left to go live with Zayn and I couldn't talk to you after what had happened. I hate the fact that because of our fight, the band broke apart. I remember how confused the boys were and how upset the fans were. We were so happy and then everything came crashing down. How could I do that to them? How could I insult their opinions, call them lost causes, lie to
