Until the world falls apart - Fear The Walking Dead

IV- Far from everything

Self-reflection, that really characterizes my life. The past year has been catastrophic; between medical school and the end of the world, I would have preferred to stay at the university. Working, helping people, that's what helped me cope after my father's death. I missed him so much that I immersed myself in studies. But what good did it do, after all?

Now, I'm killing more people than I'm saving, and sometimes, I even wonder if the medical student Bella still exists. That girl, that's not me anymore. She disappeared a long time ago, yet I keep clinging to her. At least she was human. Even though life was complicated, she kept hope and tried to get through it.

Human? Am I still one? Are all the problems we face simply the result of our actions, and if the people we were simply hid behind this survivor label? And what if? Damn it, Bella, you think too much. Stop thinking, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I've been anxious since I was little, and nothing has ever been able to stop this torment. Over time, I learned to live with it, and I spent the following years trying to tame it. But no one can, and it's really awful. I have to stop dwelling like a lunatic escaped from the asylum. Although, maybe I would have fit in there, who knows.

Alicia entered the cabin, pulling me out of my thoughts. I thanked her inwardly; she just saved me from an infernal psychosis. Then Nick entered, as if they had coordinated, or as if there was a meeting I wasn't aware of. I'd prefer they just get bored and seek my company, but I doubt it. Nick sat on a bunk, and Alicia took out her knife, spinning it around in all directions. If I thought I was the only one with a psychological issue, I now realize it's definitely a family thing.

It didn't take long for my mother to arrive, her forced cheerfulness visible on her face, as stiff as someone working in a morgue.

It was Nick who broke the ice:

"These people don't want us."

"Most don't care," replied my mother, "we'll convince the reluctant ones."

"You want to convince Troy?" I teased her.

"I'll eventually get there," she continued, "in the meantime, keep your distance from him."

"I'm not sure I can do that, and you, Bella, I don't like how he looks at you," growled my brother.

I knew my brother was protective of Alicia and me, but that remark bothered me. I'm not five years old anymore, and I know who I'm dealing with. I've encountered guys like Troy a lot in medical school, pretentious jerks convinced they're the best human beings on Earth. And on top of that, an ego bigger than the moon, unfortunately.

"Well, you'll have to make an effort. He can get angry for no reason; you've seen it, he can't control himself," said my mother. 

"Okay, but if we stay, we have to find a solution," he demanded. 

"What does that mean? Don't do anything stupid, Nick. He's already got you in his sights; don't give him another reason," I warned. 

"I'll find a solution," pleaded my mother. 

"Wait, explain it, Nick. What's your solution? Do you want my knife? Are you going to use it?" asked my sister. 

"All I'm saying is we should start over somewhere else. We could find a house, cultivate the land. We don't have to stay in this place, that's all." 

"You're a farmer now?" I mocked. 

"We're not going to leave," insisted my mother.

 "Why?" 

"We're not leaving!" she insisted.