The Things We Leave Behind

o n e

This book is dedicated to my best friend, I love you so much. Thank you for supporting my writing and for being the best reading bestie I could ask for. ❤️

TRIGGER WARNING: PANIC ATTACKS AND SWEARING

I checked my phone for what is probably the 11th time today.  And with no surprise, no messages. Well actually, plenty of messages but none from the person I most desperately wanted them to come from. I don't know why I expected to check my phone one day and miraculously see a message from him. It's been 3 years for God sakes. Get over it. I think.

I scroll through the messages on my phone that I do have. Most are from my friends, sending me well wishes, and saying how much they'll miss me. I won't miss any of them. They didn't believe me. Called me crazy.  Memories come crashing back through my head. Commandeering my thoughts and brain. I take a deep breath. Just as Dr. Cowen advised me to do. It doesn't work. Nothing works anymore. "Fuck," I whisper.

My legs fail from under me. I try and steady myself and fail miserably, falling to the ground. I lean against my bed as draw air into my lungs. I start to hyperventilate. The air I pulled into my lungs, leaves almost as fast as it arrived. My head begins to spin. The cool air breeze from my open window is welcome, cooling down my body, filling my lungs.

I here footsteps coming up the stairs. If mum finds me like this, there is no way in hell she'll let me go to New York anymore. She's scared of letting me go to the shops alone most of the time. Getting her to agree to letting me live in New York and attend NYU for a year, took the most begging I'd ever done. The footsteps fall short outside my door. Two quick raps against the wood and then my brother walks into the room.

"Hey Cass. Mum wants to know if you're ready it go y-." Gus stops short when he sees me on the floor with my legs pulled to my chest. Tears stream down my face. I try and wipe them away but fail as they just keep falling to their own volition.

"Shit Cassie, you, okay?" he asks. He assesses my face. Turning it side to side, inspecting for a source of pain. He'll never be able to see the pain I feel. It's only on the inside. After finding no damage to my face, Gus grabs my arms and inspects for blood or something that could be causing me harm. He, of course, finds nothing.

"Jesus Cass. You scared the shit out of me. I thought you'd been stabbed or something," he says, sighing as he takes a seat next to me. I stay silent. "It happened again, didn't it?" he asks, turning his head in my direction. I give a slight nod.

"Fuck. Mum's not gonna let you to New York now. You know that right," he tells me. Frustration crowds my head. "Yes, she is." I say, determined. "Because she isn't going to know."

"Cassie," he starts.

"No," I raise my voice to stop him from continuing. "It was just a small panic attack. It happens to everyone. Nothing is going to happen in New York. I have my journal, my breathing exercises and Dr. Cowen in my contacts. I'll be okay. Okay?"

"Okay," he says after a minute. "But after Dr. Cowen, you call me to let me know what happened but that your better now. Deal?"

"Deal," I reply as he pulls me in for a hug.  "It's only for a year. I'll be fine." I tell him as I hug him tightly. Older brothers are usually annoying as fuck but he's okay.

"A year is a helluva long time, Cassie," he says as he pulls me in tighter.

"Don't worry about me," I tell him.

"I'm always gonna worry about you Cass. Even more since I couldn't protect you from them." Screw okay. He's the best brother in the entire fucking universe.