The Au Pair

The Au Pair - Part 6

The party ends and the Platzs stumble in the door past midnight. Even for them this is late. 

I hear the sound of their clattering around in the kitchen overhead. I try to stay sleepy - I have an early morning with the kids - but it's a lost cause. I've been here two months now and I know the routine. Heather will drink some water to dull the effects of the wine. Stephen will rummage around in the fridge for leftovers. They'll giggle a little at first but then one of them will say something sharp or flippant and then a cupboard door will slam shut. Someone's feet will stomp off and up the stairs while the other will stay in the kitchen. I imagine one of them sitting at the kitchen island sulking and roll my eyes in the dark.

The last two times they did this I was able to get back to sleep quickly, but this time something is different. I think that the body knows when danger is coming. I learned about fight or flight in school, but no one ever told me about freeze and fawn. Tonight I learn that lesson in the dark. 

When I hear the footsteps coming down the stairs I don't feel surprised. There is an inevitability to it all. 

I hear a soft knocking at my door.

Hannah? You awake? 

I don't answer. I roll over, away from the door, pretending to be asleep when Heather enters my room and makes her way to the side of my bed. She sits beside me and I feel her straight back lean into me. I slow my breathing to emphasize my illusory sleep and her tense form softens slightly. 

Hannah, I'm just going to stay here a moment. Just to catch my breath. I'm drunk, she giggles softly. No one should be drunk alone right? she says. 

Heather places her hand on my cheek. I keep my eyes closed, imagining that she's given this same midnight speech in whispers to Juliana. To Georgie. Tonight I am her child. Her silent counselor.  

I feel her hand move away from my face and I think she's getting ready to leave. But instead she shifts her weight and now she's laying next to me. Heather strokes my arm, her head on my pillow, so close I can smell the party on her. I feel cold, willing myself to stay utterly still. After a moment she sits up again and then, as if she was never there, Heather is gone. 

Taking shallow breaths I pull the blanket around me tightly and open my eyes in the dark. I don't even know if what just happened was real. Was it a dream? 

Or a nightmare?