𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐆𝐘

FIFTEEN | THE FINAL PUSH

Jade's next therapy session with Veronica went a bit differently than her previous ones. Over the last couple of weeks, Veronica had been working with Jade to talk more in depth about her childhood and family dynamic. But this week, she focused the conversation around the more recent years of Jade's life.

"So now that I've gained a better understanding of your childhood, I'd like us to circle back to the present. A lot of the traumatic experiences you've faced have certainly impacted the person you turned out to be. Based on what we discussed several weeks back, it seems like you may have developed some intimacy related struggles after your assault?"

"I suppose so," Jade replied, "Though I don't think it was necessarily just that incident alone that made me the way that I am. I think I've always struggled to feel close to others, but once I discovered the way that sex invites people in, it just became a habit. Having sex with someone has never made me feel truly close to them though—it's just the closest I've ever gotten to feeling connected with another person. I think it was also just me trying to make sense of what happened. My first time wasn't consensual, and I think I was just trying to show myself that sex would be good if it was."

"Did that work?"

Jade looked down at the ground, "No."

"It seems like whenever you find yourself in a position where you need to cope or process something painful, you are oftentimes drawn towards means of self-destruction," Veronica observed, "Would you agree with that sentiment?"

When Jade nodded her head, Veronica continued, "You may already be aware of this, so you can jump in at anytime. But a lot of the time, when I meet people who have an almost innate tendency to self-sabotage and self-destruct like you do, it's either because they carry around a lot of guilt and shame or because of fear."

"Fear about what?" Jade asked.

"A lot of different things," Veronica answered, "Fear of abandonment, fear of happiness being temporary, fear of change... To give you some examples—many people push the people who love them away because they're afraid that those people will eventually leave them. Many people rob themselves of a positive experience because they're afraid that something will go wrong to ruin it anyway. It's a form of control—sort of like how you described wanting that dirty feeling you were left with to be placed there by you instead of your attacker."

"That makes sense. How do I stop though?"

"You've got to rewire your brain, which can be tough and take a lot of time. When you find yourself in that mentality of 'I have to ruin this for myself before it can ruin me,' you need to take a step back. Ask yourself questions; get curious about your thoughts; break it down with yourself. What am I afraid will happen if I just let this be? Why am I afraid that this will happen? Is there any concrete evidence that points to this outcome? Try to think as logically and rationally as you possibly can so that you're not allowing your brain's ego to take over. It takes practice, but grounding yourself in such a way can be really helpful in silencing and easing these catastrophic feelings. So by the time you've finished examining your thought process, you are no longer clouded by your immediate fears and beliefs."

"Okay," Jade nodded in understanding, "I'll give that a try."

"That's what I love to hear," Veronica smiled, earning a soft chuckle out of Jade.

"While we're still on this topic," Veronica said suddenly, "I'd like to bring your professor, John, into the discussion."

A confused expression immediately spread across Jade's face, "You want us to talk about Jonathon?"

"Yes. Jonathon DuPont," she confirmed.

"What about him?"

"Well, it seems like he's been very supportive of you since you started attending Sonder."