Positively Negative [Rewrite]

Nov29: (Speaking of) Coming Out

[A/N: It seems I am back. This chapter was loosely edited. Enjoy!]

Chapter Three: (Speaking of) Coming Out

JOEY

I whole-heartedly believe that my mother is one of a kind. The best in the world. Time and time again I doubted her or simply found myself unsure of how she'd react to something, like the confession that I could very possibly be gay for example, but her reactions always shocked me into speechlessness.

Without revealing to Raz what I had said, she apologised about cancelling their salsa date (Priya and I exchanged curious looks at this) and explained that she and I had important matters to discuss. He instantly seemed to understand and even offered to have Harry over—he and Priya could do their homework together and eat at his. Mum gratefully agreed.

And then the two of us stayed up all night. Just talking.

We'd started in the kitchen, cup of tea number one. Mum poured in one spoon of sugar for me and three heaps for herself as she asked about when it all began. How long I had known. Said, just for a while, and also some years. And even though I now knew she wouldn't care so much, it still took me a few false starts to get the words out. A stutter—stutter—before it fell from my mouth in broken sentences, eventually gaining confidence like a toddler finally leaving the wall as I found the words to explain the dreams I'd had back then, of Curtis and of Ryan. The disgust I'd felt that I'd shut in a cage in my head and left locked—until I'd seen Curtis again.

"So you like that boy?" mum had asked, carrying our mugs over to where I was sat. "Or Ryan?"

I shook my head; "No," but in the pause that followed, flashes in my mind and a singular flutter in my stomach provoked the reply "But, maybe someone else." And then Freddie fell into place on the table before us as the jigsaw pieces of my sentences tumbled out, from the fight to the sea. Remembered his friends questioning why he was staring at me during Spanish, and briefly recalled the kiss aloud —shit, did he like me? Was that what this was?

"It sounds like it, Joe."

I shook my head again; she hadn't seen his ex-boyfriend. As if Freddie would go from Jay to me. But the kiss... I pulled my phone from my pocket. Navigated to the last text received; Hey. Can we meet at the beach on Wednesday @ 5? Need to apologise. He needed to apologise. I saw the "Sorry" formed by his lips when he'd passed my parents' relationship as divorce rather than involuntary separation—on my mum's part in any case, but before that apology had been mine for saying what I had about his dad. Guess if they'd gotten us this far...

Mum took a sip of her tea and I soon followed suit. I burnt my tongue though, and had to take a moment to cool it down and clear my throat before speaking.

"I just don't understand," I said after swallowing hard. "I don't get how—or why, because I liked Courtney, I know I did. She was pretty—or hot, or whatever." She was. And yet, whenever she kissed me, I got little more than the knowledge that I was kissing someone. There was no excitement, no desire. No want for more, but a clumsy childish obligation. I'd thought that was just me and struggled on. Blamed myself. But Freddie had shown me that I could need just as much. Fuck, maybe it was just the sea, but-

"Joey," mum interrupted my thoughts calmly, reaching a hand across to place her cool palm against my arm. "I find many women pretty—or attractive. It doesn't mean I want to sleep with any of them."

"But I don't want to sleep with any guys either," I protested. That much was still true. "I don't get it. I don't know shit about being gay—any of this." Nothing except how good it felt to stand in shallow water and be held by what happened to be a guy. Freddie Fucking Lewis, with his cold fingers and salt kiss, cider lips against my own.