Iva's Forest

Iva's Diary

Saturday Night - 16 November, 2013

I just want a cold drink. I don't think I could go to bed right now, my family is just– so loud. It's not that they're speaking with each other abrasively at night or anything, in fact, I think they're all sleep right now. No, it's just that all of the little mean words they spit at me during the day, lay heavy in my heart. Each time that my family reminds me of how burdensome I am, I brush it off in the moment, but later on when I head to bed, my mind brings it up, and my heart releases the true feelings I held in, throughout my whole body. I can only start to curl up like a fetus and remember just how much words actually do hurt Of course, in the daytime when she says these things, I don't feel any pain, I feel nothing really. I brush it off and go on with my day, and maybe it isn't too healthy of me to do all of this; to cover my heart in the day and let out all of the pain at night.

Though, what other choice do I have? I dare not to speak up again. Speaking about how I feel on the inside and how every little mean word hurts me just makes everything worse. My classmates will think of me as soft and just a puny little girl, and mother will continue further in her array of words telling me of how she says these things because she loves me, and that the world is much meaner than she ever could be. You might think that perhaps she could be a little bit right, I have considered that, but I can't ever feel it. Whether she is honest or not, I won't be able to reciprocate it back, and I am ashamed that I can't. Maybe it's all my fault that I feel so victimised. Anyways, my day was alright I suppose. I just– I wish... I wish my heart wasn't so weak.

The last few weeks have been normal actually. Yeah. Normal, being that I get hurt like I always do, and there's little action in my life. I still have my two friends at least.

* * *

Wednesday Evening - 20 November, 2013

Today was quite fun! I went to the forest for a little bit on my way home from school, and to my luck, my mom didn't notice that I came home a bit later than usual, so that was relieving. I think for this upcoming weekend I should do something fun, the snow should start coming soon, I should enjoy this snowless autumn while I can. Oh the leaves have just started their transition from yellow to orange, it's so beautiful ahhhhhh. Taking the long route home really brings joy to my day.

As much as my parents may complain about me being a "misled child," at least they tell me how much they appreciate that I hang around nature a lot, compared to my brother who just sits on his gaming consoles all day. Come to think of it, I don't know what other good things they actually say. Funny enough, my mother tell me that she loves me more than my father does, yet she's the one who's always on my case for being so useless and naughty all of the time. I wish she could be a little bit more like my father who's more of the quiet type to me. I much rather come home and receive instructions to do chores than to get berated about my clothing and attitude.

* * *

Saturday Morning - 23 November, 2013

I'll be heading to the forest today with Lace, and Jess won't come today which absolutely sucks! Her boyfriend's so manipulative, like why does he always ruin everything? Lace and I don't even talk to him, yet he still somehow manages to ruin our plans and lives! Jess told me that he said the forest was "dangerous." Now, come onnnnn, we've been going together since we were– 11, or something. So like, that's basically forever. And I myself have been going for long before that, Jess too.

I guess it will be fun still. Even going to the forest by myself is quite fun. But having a friend is great for sure. I don't know what to bring exactly. But we'll see. Of course, oh how amazing, I will need to bring cutleries and food. Cutleries sounds pretty fancy, but really it'll just be forks and knives to cut up some of the flesh and whatever other food I decide to bring.

* * *

sunday Midnight - 23, November 2013

im tired. I don t know what to write exactly, but today was fun. we told our parents we're sleeping over at each other house haha. their so gullulilbe! Right now, we're in the tree house we always hang in. now, this is the best sleep over we couyld ever have. It's so great, im tired though, Im gonna slep soon i think. i hope this day never ends. i love u lacieee.

idont know why I said that, she doesn't read this, innfact, she is roight beside me haha. But she's sleeping, so I shouldn't be too loud She's knocked out cold alright, ha. I suppose then uh, i love my diary! And yes my diary can read this. And so does the great almighty! oh where is he? of course, i mean, he's watchuing over us clearly. Why else would i be having such a fun time? or rather, how else?

My legs hurt a lot actually. it's quite messy here right now, but we'll clean theplace uop another time. I had too many drinks tonight. In facts, my arms hurtimg too. I shall rest now. Sleep well, little diary of mine.

* * *

Monday Afternoon - 25 November, 2013

I just saw my messy writing from Saturday night/Sunday midnight, and it was kind of funny actually. I couldn't help but blush and grin reading it. I just now finished my schoolwork early and so I'm writing this in class as I have nothing to do. Well actually, that's not it. My teacher sent me to the headmaster cause of- hahah oh devil, I can't say it. Why would I ever admit to such a thing? Anyways, as I was saying— I got sent home and my mother had to pick me up. It was annoying to hear her chew me on the ride home so as per my routine, I plugged in my earbuds and enjoyed my music on the way home. I'm writing now, after having just gotten home and ran to my room.

I don't know why I lied to myself as I come to think about it. Nobody but myself ever reads this, so I don't know why I lie and speak behind a mask. I try to be my real self, and I suppose that's hard for me considering that I can't ever be real with anybody but my forest and Lace and Jess. Though, we'll see if I can still be clear and open with Jess by next year – we've been falling out too much. I still can't believe she actually bailed on us Saturday night. I don't know why i didn't write it then, but I tried to be a good friend and tell her on Friday that it meant a lot to know she'd be coming back to the forest again since it's been at least a month since we've seen her there in the treehouse. And her response? She said she actually can't come! What kind of guy is he?! Like, ugh it really frustrates me. I know very well that she's jealous and is missing out on much fun. Too bad for her! I don't need her.

Well actually, maybe I do need her. I miss her a lot actually. Yeah I do miss her. It's not quite the same without her there. She's the one first found the treehouse actually. Whoever built that thing has brought much joys and memories for us, but damn it certainly does hurt when the people you make those memories with start to fade away. I should eat dinner now. I've been sitting here for nearly 30 minutes now, and my arms are starting to hurt again.